It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Feeling Antsy” who was frustrated that the guy she’d been dating for several months was unwilling to commit to her. She wondered if she should keep waiting it out since she liked him so much or just MOA. Keep reading to see what she decided to do.
A few weeks after I wrote into you, S brought up the topic of our relationship and sort of reiterated that he just couldn’t provide what he’d need to in a relationship but also admitted that he was scared. He saw a future with me that he’d never felt with any other girl, but he wasn’t ready for it. He still wanted his freedom and time to work through it and asked for a “pause.” Initially, I said no and that he needed to decide what he wanted. But the next day, I told him that, after some thought, I agreed maybe taking a break was best after all.
My thoughts were:
1. I don’t want him agreeing to a relationship, if he really isn’t ready, just because he feels pressured.
2. I don’t want him to end it completely either just because he feels pressured.
The purpose of the break was to give him clarity, and I truly believed it was best for us in the long run.
Wellllll, we all know how well taking breaks usually goes for relationships. I saw that he was frequently hanging out with two specific girls and my jealousy/anxiety got to me. We were still talking every couple days, and after a month of the break I expressed multiple times that I wanted to meet up and see where things were but he kept making excuses. I got to my breaking point and said that we needed to pull the plug altogether. I told him the purpose of the break was to help us, not to “ride the randomness train” (his description of what he’d been doing during that time). I think he really just wanted to go out and have his fun and come back to me when he was ready to settle down. But I couldn’t handle limboland anymore. We ran into each other once a few weeks later and even ended up grabbing a drink, but it remained friendly. We’ve exchanged messages here and there, but it’s all very surface level.
As for grocery store guy, I did try texting him (twice) but he never responded. 🙁 That’s one I’ll probably always kick myself for, for not giving it a shot. Just kind of stinks that it went from two potential dudes back to single again! Ah well, you live, you learn, right?
Thanks for all of your thoughts!
Timing, as they say, is everything. Hang in there.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at email@example.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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TECH January 2, 2014, 1:11 pm
Well, I’m sorry things didn’t work out with S. But at the same time, I’m happy for you because things came to a resolution, and you’re no longer in limboland, with a guy who just couldn’t be in a relationship. Now you’re free to meet someone who is a better match for you!
And I’ll say it again, but go you for attracting a guy in the grocery store. Continue to work it! Something new will come around soon!
iwannatalktosampson January 2, 2014, 2:01 pm
This is a perfect example of if it’s meant to be, it will be. I know some people are more prone to anxiety than others, but I feel like more often than not if you’re feeling anxiety it’s really your gut telling you what’s up. If someone wanted to be with you nothing would stop them. Not fear, not bad past relationships, not their job, noting. Don’t kick yourself too much about grocery store guy, again if he was meant to be you would have heard back from him.
ktfran January 3, 2014, 9:32 am
Ooh. Don’t forget to add “not distance” to your list.
After my holiday visit with the kid, I just felt worse, not better. Pretty sure my gut is telling me to end it. I couldn’t find the right time to say anything while I was with him, but next time we talk on the phone, I’m telling him I need to move on.
Anyway, I’m so sick of sad ktfran. 2014 will be happy ktfran again. People like her a lot more.
Lyra January 3, 2014, 11:28 am
I think that’s the best way to go about things. Sorry it didn’t work out, but I think that if you hadn’t tried it, you would have always wondered what would have happened.
Banana January 2, 2014, 2:01 pm
Don’t beat yourself up too much — everyone has a “grocery store guy.” It’s that person you encounter that you never quite followed up on, but the encounter made you realize something about YOUR life that you wanted to change. Sometimes that’s really the best (and only) thing that random person could do for your life — who knows whether or not he would have turned into your Special Love, but he already has done something great for you — made you realize you were ready to move on. Sometimes that’s enough. Now that you’ve followed through, you’ll be ready the next time you spontaneously connect with someone.
katie January 2, 2014, 2:05 pm
ohhh, thats deep.
iwannatalktosampson January 2, 2014, 2:07 pm
Oh my god I just realized I totally had a grocery store guy. I never put it together that that was his purpose in my life. When I have more time today I’m telling the story because you just made me think so many things that I have to word vomit.
Banana January 2, 2014, 2:28 pm
I wanna hear it!
I have a few grocery store guys. My first one wasn’t even someone who made me want to break up — he was the one who got me out and dating again. It sounds super sketchy, but basically I was blasted at a friend’s birthday party and we all went to his rooftop pool to swim in the middle of the night. Some other people from his building were there and one of them started flirting with me. We exchanged numbers and I didn’t have the guts to respond to him the first few times he invited me out. I was cripplingly shy then. But after some thought, I realized (I hate this phrase but it’s appropriate here) you only live once, and part of what I’d loved about that evening was the spontaneity — so I wished I’d broken out of my shell, since the only reason I hadn’t returned this guy’s calls was because it would upset my routine and be a new thing for me. By that point it was too late to connect with him, but the experience was a big signal to me that it was time to get out there and start making active decisions about my life instead of just watching it float by.
Lyra January 2, 2014, 8:14 pm
I’m actually really happy for you that things ended with S! Being in that “in between” stage is so…not fun. When a guy truly wants to be with you, you will know. He will show you that he cares about you. He will show you that he adores you. It’s such a great feeling when you find that in a partner.
ChemE January 3, 2014, 10:19 am
Every time I read this title I think “in my pantsy”