It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Missed an Opportunity for an Affair” who… missed an opportunity to have an affair and regretted it. “I kind of knew in my heart that she would turn me down as time had passed by. Now I feel embarrassed as I feel our friendship is over. Even though I look back at the opportunities I passed up, at the time I was happy with my decision. Why, all this time later, do I regret it?” he asks. An update from him below.
When I think about it, I met her daily for lunch in the office over a 9-month period. At the beginning I was wary of us getting too close; I tried to keep my distance, but over time I got sucked in and before I knew it, I had fallen for her. I stayed away from the office for five weeks to help myself forget the places we sat for lunch and the places we met, which certainly helped me feel like my normal self. But when we all meet in the office now for monthly meetings, she avoids me. She used to come over to my desk for a chat and she no longer does that now. She will talk to colleagues close by me and I feel she is acting like I don’t exist. I fully understand why she has to do that as I am sure she must feel as awkward as I do.
It’s been three months now since I told her how I felt, and I am sad we are no longer friends. I would like to be friends again in a platonic way. I would like my friend back, and feel I might try to break the ice next time if it feels right.
By the way, while I was going through all this I made more effort with my own wife. At the end of the day I am human and I have needs that I felt were not being addressed in my own marriage. I am trying to work on this with my wife. She has no idea what I have been through and I can never tell her. I feel really sorry for anyone who this happens to as when it happened to me, it took me by surprise.
If it’s ok, I can send you another update in a few months. Many thanks for the advice.
If you want to save your marriage, you need to work harder on it. You say you are working harder at addressing your needs with your wife, but what about her needs? What about communication? What about actually forsaking the temptation of other women and prioritizing your marriage above a platonic friendship with a female colleague? You fell for your colleague as you spent time together and you’ve been moving past your feelings for her as you maintain distance. What on earth makes you think you can go back to spending time with her and not feel the more-than-platonic feelings you had before? What makes you think you can continue resisting those feelings? Why would you want to risk it when you’re trying to keep your marriage intact? Or do you not care about your marriage as much as you say or think you do?
If you’re committed to your marriage, you have to maintain a healthy distance from your colleague, which shouldn’t be hard to do since she seems to want distance from you and you likely only see her at your monthly office meeting. You would have to put effort into spending time her and talking with her. Put the effort into your marriage instead. And if that isn’t what you want, at least admit it to yourself and get out of your marriage so your wife doesn’t waste more time with someone who prioritizes other women over her.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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