Update: “Missing My Fun, Sexy Wife” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Missing My Fun, Sexy Wife” whose wife of 27 years was a chronic cheater who had had one affair after another for many, many years. He wrote:

“She would run off with a lover for a week, stay a month, come back for a few weeks, and disappear for half a year. Our children became resentful, and this kept her away more. The final straw was a two-week trip to Australia with a lover that turned out to be for two years. She eventually came back a year ago and has been remorseful ever since. She feels ashamed by her past behavior although exactly what that was, she won’t discuss.

I would like the fun, sexy wife back that I married a long time ago. She’s still a stunner, confident and charismatic, but she’s developed a hang-up about sex and won’t even discuss the matter with me. I would like to begin enjoying life to the fullest again. Don’t recommend therapy. That’s something she refuses to consider, but she does religiously read your advice.”

It’s been over seven months since I advised him. His update is below.

The advice you gave me initially upset me; a sort of defensiveness kicked in and it took me a couple of days to digest what you had written and to slowly understand that I may have been at fault just as much as my wife. I set out to define our relationship first, and I bought the book “The Ethical Slut” by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. My wife and I read it together, and it helped us to understand our relationship and normalize my wife’s opinion of herself. She had felt guilty for the numerous affairs she had during our marriage and that, more than anything, had drawn us apart. We now define our relationship as a mono/poly marriage with her playing the latter role in the relationship.

I am now getting to know her again, and we have put sex between us on the back burner. She has resumed having affairs, but she now talks about them honestly. I was hurt initially when we opened ourselves up when she told me that she had been deeply in love with some of the men she had been with since we were married. The “love issue” is something she is honest about now. She is involved with someone now and she describes her feelings towards him as “light love.” He is younger by at least two decades than her and that age difference gives me some assurance he is not a serious threat to us.

I want sex to happen between us when she feels she wants it. I don’t want to pressure her in any way. Nothing would make me feel worse than to have “pity sex.” You mentioned that our marriage seemed superficial in many ways and it was. That happens when there is a lack of honesty and two people don’t really know each other. We have come a long way since the day I wrote you that email. Thank you!

Missing my fun, sexy wife.

Thank you for your update. I hope that you find satisfaction and happiness, and if your marriage as it is now gives that to you, then great. If not, I hope you know you deserve to feel connected and desired and loved by your partner.

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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  1. Anonymous says:

    Dude is a cuckold simp. Some people can’t be helped.

    1. Golfer.gal says:

      You and your wife were separated for more than a year because she betrayed and ditched you and your children, one in a string of many abandonments. Basically immediately upon her return, rather than spending a period rebuilding trust and deciding what outcome worked best for everyone involved you immediately started an “open marriage” which is really an asexual companionship between the two of you where she gets her romantic and sexual needs met by literally everyone except you and you fund her lifestyle. Neither of you is in any kind of therapy or counseling.

      Is this actually working for you? Is this truly what you want – to never be romantically loved or valued or noncelibate again? Has it occurred to you that your wife will realistically never have sex with you again? Do you feel good about the example this is setting for your children, and the chaos and pain this is likely introducing into their lives? Have you ever looked into the possibility your wife has something like histrionic or borderline personality disorder (not saying she does, but these issues are lifelong and severe)? Have you started therapy or research into your own codependency, or explore the reasons you’re so willing to accept emotional neglect and abuse?

  2. If mono/poly works for the two of you, I say, why not. So, maybe you don’t have full access, but it must be nice having the eye candy around the house, when she is around the house. As long as she doesn’t embarrass you in front of your friends, no harm no foul, right? To the rest of the world, you’re a happening guy with a trophy wife.

  3. PassingBy says:

    So, what are you actually getting out of this marriage?

  4. Missing my fun, sexy wife says:

    That’s a fair question, PassingBy. We have a new understanding between us and whereas she needs far more sexually than I do and wants the excitement of having new lovers, I am more content to have her companionship and love. I have accepted that I can’t provide her what she needs but I do get pleasure out of spoiling her and making her happy. What is wrong with that?

    1. Just a girl says:

      Nothing is wrong with it, as long as both of you are getting your needs met equally.

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