Update: “Not Sick of Kissing” Responds

updatesIt’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Not Sick of Kissing,” who wrote in a couple weeks ago saying that fr the past few months her boyfriend refused to kiss her for fear of getting sick after she caught a cold back in June and passed it to him. “Fast forward to now, September,” she wrote, “and he is no longer sick but he still will not kiss me. He admitted that he’s afraid of getting sick again and that’s why he avoids it. […] I miss kissing him, and I’m tired of still doing sexual things without kissing. I want the foreplay, but there’s none.” Keep reading to see if things have improved or if she’s moved on yet.

Hi Wendy, thank you for taking the time to write about this. Since I emailed you, my boyfriend stopped by my house a couple nights later to surprise me with some food. He kissed me and apologized.
We still don’t kiss as often as before, but I think we’ve come to a good compromise for the time-being and I’m happy with it. Even as frustrating as it was not kissing, in a way it has brought some good as well. I feel like there’s a whole lot more meaning when we kiss now, and it makes me as giddy as when we were in the first few months of the relationship. It’s a nice feeling. We’re happy where we are right now.

Thank you again.

Ok, but I’m curious – did he explain why he stopped kissing you? I know he said it was because he was afraid of getting sick, but that was a bullshit excuse; did he ever tell you the real reason? Was there any explanation at all? Why did he suddenly feel like it was ok to start kissing you again? And why is it less kissing now than before? I get the impression he’s giving you the bare minimum to keep you with him but not addressing the underlying cause of his not wanting to kiss you. Until that underlying cause is dealt with, I worry that it’s only a matter of time before the kisses stop again. I think you know this on some level or you wouldn’t call this a “compromise” that you are happy with “for the time-being.”

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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  1. that’s fucking weird, he’s afraid of getting sick form kissing? biggest BS I have ever heard, he can get sick from just going outside, touching a door handle or elevator button, handling cash and coins, so many ways to get sick. You should tell him what your needs are, and if he cant meet them? its time to move on, don’t be so desperate for affection, it should be equal will loving partners.

  2. anonymousse says:

    And what about the foreplay?

    1. this x1000

      I think the bf could tell his no kissing mandate was going to be a deal breaker so he popped over and wooed you back with the bare minimum (food, a kiss and a faux apology). I hope you realize that you deserve to have someone who will kiss your brains out if that’s what you want. Kissing shouldn’t be doled out as something rare and special when you’re in a long term relationship. I know you state it feels like your back at the beginning and that’s a positive, but it’s really not.

  3. dinoceros says:

    You sound like you’re coming up with reasons to justify why you aren’t pressing this or breaking up. Saying it makes it more special doesn’t really make sense. Especially if his reason for kissing less is presumably NOT that.

  4. LW, I hope that one day you’re ready to respect your own needs and stop settling for crumbs.

  5. Bittergaymark says:

    Okay… This was a strangely optimist update. Despite there being much real good news.

  6. Make sure to get an STD/I test. Like, now.

  7. I wonder if the LW is a lousy kisser? My boyfriend of 14 years is a lousy kisser. I have never told him. I have tried to kiss him differently but the kiss ends up being his old way. Since it is more important to me to spend my time with him then have a wonderful kiss I have convinced him I like to be kissed on the neck. Kisses are nice but there are other ways to be turned on.

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