It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Not So Transparent,” who wondered whether she should tell her boyfriend that her friend Nick is trans. She wrote: “He doesn’t know that Nick is trans, which doesn’t matter except I feel like I’m hiding something from him. Sometimes my friend has said things like how he was a flower girl when he was a kid, and I think my boyfriend has just brushed off these comments or thought Nick was joking. […] It’s not my place to tell my boyfriend that Nick is trans. But I also don’t want him to feel like he’s not ‘in on it.’ I could ask my friend if he’d be ok if I told my boyfriend. I kind of don’t think we are close enough to do that, but maybe it’s my only option. Any advice?” Update, below!
I didn’t take your advice in bringing it up with Nick. I just let it go. I was definitely overthinking it. I didn’t end up telling my boyfriend that my friend was trans, and life moved on.
A year later, Nick added my boyfriend on IG. A couple months ago he posted a story about his transition. I did bring it up with my boyfriend to ask if he had seen it. He said he had and said,”We don’t have to talk about details on your friend” (in a respecting privacy way and not a transphobic way). He really hadn’t known my friend was trans, but, of course, he was not offended that I hadn’t told him.
I want to clarify that my boyfriend doesn’t make homophobic or transphobic jokes. Relative to the “flower girl” line, the context was my friend asked me if I’d ever been a flower girl. Then my boyfriend made a stupid joke: “I’ve been a flower girl too.” Like ha ha, why didn’t you ask me? That’s when my friend said, “I’ve been a flower girl.” I brought up this conversation with my boyfriend after he found out that my friend is trans, and he was more embarrassed that he had made a really bad “joke.” (What can I say, making jokes that don’t make sense is his one flaw.)
Lastly, I wasn’t fetishizing my friend. I just didn’t want to hide something from my boyfriend.
Your advice and the comments helped in that I realized I was overthinking it. All is well. I can’t wait to hang out with “Nick” and our friend group once the pandemic is over!
Thank you for the update and I hope you’re all able to hang out sooner rather than later!
Also: Happy Pride to everyone in the LGBTQ community!
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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