Update: “Straight-Up In Love” Responds

updatesIt’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Straight-Up In Love,” the straight woman who developed a crush on her lesbian colleague before learning, while out with work friends, that she was already in a relationship with another colleague. “I also found out that this has been going on for months and that Sandy, Kate, and our mutual friend all had figured out the way I feel about Sandy. The worst part is though that while we were at that dinner, while no one was looking – being clearly drunk – Sandy put her hand on my thigh a bunch of times, held my hand, and caressed my forearm under the table while her girlfriend, who is also my friend, was sitting right there across the table from us. Things got worse when we all decided to go to this gay club afterward and she and I started dancing and grinding against each other, all while her girlfriend was around.” Later that night, the LW’s crush told her she felt nothing for her but was confused by the LW’s feelings. The LW wondered if she should apologize to the crush’s girlfriend. Her update below:

Thank you so much for publishing my letter and for your response. Your words were eye-opening and made me see this situation in a whole new different light. I had a talk both with Sandy and Kate after the event. Sandy apologized, said she didn’t mean any of it to happen and that “that’s just how she gets when she’s drunk.” She said it wasn’t directed at me specifically — I just happened to be around. She said she’s happy with Kate and wouldn’t do anything to hurt her.

The following week after the incident, Kate didn’t talk to me and was very distant although her relationship with Sandy seemed absolutely fine. We later had a talk and made up and she let me know she was hurt by my behavior because I didn’t show her that she mattered to me as a friend. She backed up what Sandy had said to me — that that’s just what Sandy does and that it’s not necessarily romantic.

At the moment Sandy and I don’t speak, unless it’s strictly for work. Kate and I are friendly again but not as close as we were. Honestly, I think I prefer it this way. I guess I held these people to a higher standard than I should’ve and consequently was let down by their behavior. I am ready to put all this drama behind and focus on my work and happiness.

Thanks again for everything.

Thanks for the update. I’m glad you’re keeping your distance from these two – especially Sandy – and hope they don’t do anything to try to pull you back into any drama. If they do: proceed straight to your HR rep.

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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  1. ele4phant says:

    Oooohhhh…I would be wary of these people. They are being super unprofessional here, bringing in their relationship drama into a work space, and trying to suck other people into it.

    Be cordial, polite, professional, but I honestly would be worried about “fixing” your friendship with Kate (btw Kate – you two work together first, are friends second) or being close with Sandy even in a mentor/mentee capacity.

    They are a hot mess and clearly want to spread that around the office. Don’t.let.them.suck.you.in.

  2. Bittergaymark says:

    Yep. You are being smart here, LW. Very. Good work. Lousy job you’ve got there with shitty colleagues. But keep playing it smart.

  3. Avatar photo Skyblossom says:

    Keep high standards. Drop bad friends and keep work professional.

  4. Sea Witch says:

    “… that’s just what Sandy does…”
    Got to love how people are expected to work around and tolerate jerks because “it’s just how he/she is”. Because heaven forbid we expect them to behave like adults

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