Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Update: “Three Days or Else” Responds

updatesIt’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Three Days or Else” who was pissed that it took a woman he met at a bar 19 whole days to respond to text him after he gave her his phone number. After she did finally text him, he proceeded to blow her off when she suggested they meet for coffee (“Why should this woman get her way after taking so long to contact me? Lol.”), tell her he likes sexy women who are good kissers, ask if she was petite (“because she was sitting down for most of the night when I met her”) and then berate her for taking so long to text him (“Because you took 19 days to contact me, that is not a strong sign of interest; otherwise, you would have contacted me within three to four days. Thoughts? Lol.”). After that, she told him they probably weren’t a good match and they never went out again.

His question to me was whether I thought there was any chance he could get her interested in him again. His update, and a new question from him, below.

I sent a text, like you suggested, to apologize for my comments that made her feel uncomfortable and that gave a bad impression of myself. I also said that I enjoyed the conversations that we had and was still open to meeting for a coffee to show that I’m a gentleman. If she prefers not to, that’s fine. I understand.

She replied back with: “I really appreciate the apology. I’m also sorry if I might have taken things out of context. It’s all good. There are no hard feelings 🙂 ”

Then we texted back and forth a couple times. I asked her how her weekend was and she did the same. I also asked her if she was going on vacation this year. And that was it.

This text conversation was nine days ago and I haven’t texted her since. I didn’t actually ask her out. Well, I did say I was open to meeting for a coffee in my apology text but she wasn’t enthusiastic either. She could have said, “Yeah I’d like to meet for a coffee.” She just accepted my apology.

I stand by what I said: she wasn’t really that interested in the first place.

What’s your take on this? I’m curious to know what you think.

What is it that you want me to say here? That you are right? That she wasn’t interested in you in the first place and that text she sent you 19 days after you met her in a bar and she refused to give you her number but took yours instead was leading you on and she was terrible to do so because you should never text someone you aren’t totally interested in, and you should know whether or not you’re interested in someone immediately after meeting them once in a dark and probably loud bar? Ok then, you’re totally right! She was a typical woman leading you on and all women suck and you should probably stay away from them because all they care about is lying and cheating and leading on vulnerable men who are gullible enough to give out their phone numbers to women who PRETEND to be interested and then get off on waiting 19 days to text. What a bunch of cunts. They don’t even deserve you!!

Is that what you want me to say?

But here’s what I really think: she probably totally forgot about you in those 19 days that passed after she met you until she came across your phone number scrawled on a piece of paper or programed in her phone, and with only a vague recollection of your being kind of cute maybe, she decided to send you a text and see if you might be cool. Turns out, nah, you’re not her type after all. And, in fact, you might even be a bit of a prick? Oh, but then you apologized for your lame comments and that’s cool. No hard feelings then. But, yeah, definitely not interested in that coffee you didn’t ask her out for.

***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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19 comments… add one
  • avatar

    JD June 6, 2018, 1:38 pm

    Please tell me his text actually said “because I am a gentleman” because that is the surefire way to know when someone isn’t. I stand by my comment on his first post, please provide us your phone number so that if any woman ever meets you she knows to steer clear. This guy just gives me the creeps, like if he meets a woman who doesn’t give him his way he would eventually turn violent.

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    • Kate B.

      Kate B. June 6, 2018, 1:49 pm

      Exactly. A true gentleman doesn’t have to announce it to anyone. He just is.

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    • avatar

      bondgirl June 7, 2018, 6:50 am

      Kate’s comment reminded of this statement as well: any guy who says (or maybe repeatedly emphasizes) that he’s a “nice guy”……..is in fact, NOT a nice guy.

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  • avatar

    SpaceySteph June 6, 2018, 1:38 pm

    “she decided to send you a text and see if you might be cool. Turns out, nah, you’re not her type after all. ”

    Turns out, nah, you’re not cool at all. Instead you’re the type of dude to berate her for taking too long to text back.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. June 6, 2018, 1:39 pm

    I can only reiterate some of the things that were said to you when you originally posted. This woman does not owe you anything. Maybe it would have been clearer if she had said, “I absolutely do not want to have coffee with you. Please leave me alone” but I can give you a couple of reasons why she didn’t say that. We women are conditioned to always be polite. Especially with men. When she said there were no hard feelings, she was letting you down easy. Why? Because some men cannot take no for an answer, or get offended, even violent, when we women speak bluntly. The conversation should have ended at that point. She kept texting with you saying noncommittal things hoping you’d get the hint and go away. So here’s a tip: The next time you ask a woman out, unless the answer is an enthusiastic yes, back off.

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  • avatar

    carolann June 6, 2018, 1:48 pm

    I think the woman was being very nice to him. I am surprised she responded at all.
    This guy comes off as seriously desperate. Why is he sweating this so hard? There are lots of fish in the sea and not everyone is going to click with everyone so MOA.

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  • avatar

    Sketchee June 6, 2018, 1:54 pm

    In the most generous way I can think to say it, let’s be clear. There isn’t really a rule about first dates.

    If you had a few dates and knew each other and had a connection, then you’d be at the point to define your expectations about communication. That’s because there’s a relationship there. It didn’t exist here.

    Next time, stop counting days and stop waiting by the phone for a call. She wasn’t going to reschedule her life or change her habits. Perhaps she waited to contact you for a time in her life that was less busy and possibly more available for a date.

    If your only criteria for dating is whether they text in three days after meeting, reconsider this. It doesn’t serve you or them.

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  • avatar

    alafair June 6, 2018, 2:06 pm

    Even if she was interested previously, that first text convo would have set off serious creep flags. She probably breathed a sigh of relief when he went away and had an “oh shit” moment when he came back to offer a sort of apology. I’d have seen the apology as a transparent attempt to maybe salvage things to the point where a semi-desperate guy can get laid. When I was younger I would have considered the polite non-response too, because anyone who reacts that way after a single bar meet isn’t exactly stable and I would have considered it the safest out. MOA and consider it a lesson learned – dont be a douche is an always appropriate response to any situation.

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  • avatar

    allornone June 6, 2018, 3:26 pm

    This girl is a saint for having put up with this creep as politely as she did. I wouldn’t be surprised if we found him posting on MRA forum one of these days.

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  • avatar

    Purpose June 6, 2018, 3:53 pm

    After I read this, I had to go back and read the original post as I hadn’t seen it. Duuuude….you’ve seriously got to chill. You ask creepy questions and make creepy comments, then you’re surprised when the girl runs from you? ‘It’s all good’ a bunch of times does not equal ‘I’m interested’ at all. You should have noticed the signs and the vibes along the way, but you didn’t. And please: stop with the lol’s. I’m imagine a 50 year old guy trying to be a cool texter. Just stop.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse June 6, 2018, 4:31 pm

    You didn’t even ask her out. If I was on the fence, and then you’d been weird or creepy in texts, apologized but never actually asked me out, I’d stop responding too. What is she supposed to do? You aren’t really showing any interest either.

    That’s not to say I think you should try again with her. Please don’t do that.. But keep this in mind for the inevitable next time.

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  • avatar

    Slanonymous June 6, 2018, 6:41 pm

    If you want to have coffee with this girl, then don’t passively be all like, “Well, I’d be open to it if you are …” That is guaranteed to fail. A stronger way to handle it is to say “I want to apologize and clarify — I’d actually really like to see you and get to know you better. Would you have coffee with me next week?”

    Make a bid for her time. Indicate your interest with confidence. If you do, there’s a better chance she’ll be attracted to your strength. If you go halfway about your interest level with a weaker position of “Well now I guess if you’d be open to it …” that communicates that you’re wishy-washy and you don’t care one way or the other if she accepts or not. Don’t hedge or approach from the side! Freakin’ show your interest and bid for her time and attention.

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    • avatar

      MMR June 7, 2018, 2:30 pm

      Ugh, yes. After he was so pissy about her not immediately indicating she was interested, he won’t even do it himself.

      Not that I think he should contact her now. Just leave her alone already.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom June 6, 2018, 7:42 pm

    I think you’ve learned a lesson here about what not do do. You’ve learned what doesn’t work if you are interested in a date. You aren’t going to be seeing this woman ever. Next time, with some other woman, remember what you’ve learned and try to be more appreciative when someone reaches out to you. You can’t know why she didn’t contact you sooner but assume she had a good reason. You made up a reason in your head about why she took “too long” and it made you angry. In the future don’t fill in some excuse. Maybe she had gone out with another guy and gave him a few more chances and decided it didn’t work with him but thought you were kind of cute and she’d see about going out with you. See how that might have been her giving each guy a fair chance. Maybe she was out of town for work or had a sick family member or already had weekends scheduled with friends or sometimes works weekends. You can’t know. You assumed that by waiting so long she was making a value judgement about you and it made you angry. It didn’t seem to occur to you that her life wasn’t revolving around you and waiting probably wasn’t about you. If you like someone enough to give them your number you should like them enough to give them a chance and that doesn’t mean the chance has to be in the next few days. Or it can but then you are severely limiting your ability to meet great women. Don’t throw away potential with artificially imposed deadlines. Take this as a lesson learned and maybe next time things will go better.

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  • avatar

    Sapphire June 6, 2018, 9:40 pm

    This girl is really nice. Even after you badger her into exchanging contacts, even after you was being creepy. You decided to turn down her offer for coffee or whatever (quite strange since you want to see her).
    She didn’t lead you on, she forgot about you. That’s what happened.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom June 7, 2018, 5:08 am

    Texting the question about whether she was petite was not only creepy it showed that you didn’t even remember her. If that were me I would assume you are hitting on so many women that you didn’t remember which one I was and I would be done at that point. If you don’t remember me enough to know what I looked like I wouldn’t see any point in getting together. Waiting before texting might be a way to sort out the guys who are actually interested from the guys who are trying to have sex with every woman they meet.

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    • avatar

      Rick June 7, 2018, 5:27 pm

      Skyblossom, Waiting to contact someone after 19 days can also mean that she is playing the field. It means she was looking for someone better and better never came along so let’s contact this guy.

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  • avatar

    Wehaf June 7, 2018, 9:46 am

    I think it’s interesting that you told her you were interested in a woman who was “easy-going and independent” but your actions indicate that you want a woman who adheres to your (unspoken) schedule of how things should go, and in fact you decided to “punish” her for being independent by turning down a date (“Why should this woman get her way after taking so long to contact me?”). Maybe you should consider why your actions don’t match your words, and what you really are looking for in a women (not just what you’ve told yourself you are looking for) and whether those are the right things to look for in a partner.

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  • avatar

    RedBlue June 7, 2018, 12:59 pm

    Call me old but I remember a time when all non verbal communications took days, if not weeks, to receive. Yeah, we still had flush toilets and telephones. Patience is a virtue many no longer have. Courtships were usually over several years.

    Today everyone demands immediate responses, especially with texts. If something is that important, you should be calling instead of texting.

    I leave texts go for hours before responding if I am otherwise engaged and don’t even have my phone on all the time, especially if I am at work. I know that this doesn’t relate to this particular case but I do find this phenomena of immediate satisfaction to be “interesting”.

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