Updates: “Bad At Keeping In Touch” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Bad At Keeping In Touch” who wondered if there was something wrong with her that she preferred being very close with family and a handful of nearby girl friends and let past friendships, like with her old sorority sisters, fall away. Keep reading to see whether she’s gotten more motivated to keep in touch.

Thanks for posting my letter, and thanks to all the readers for taking the time to leave comments! It was really comforting to hear from other people who had been going through the same kind of changes as me, and it helped me understand that, as I get older and grow, my relationships will change too, and that’s just a normal part of life.

I recently left my job in City B and moved back to City A for a new job, where my family is and where I went to college. I really loved my last job and the friends I had in that town, but it came to a point where I felt that I had to move. My mentor and I had fallen in love with each other, and it was extremely painful to have to work so closely with each other every day and not be able to emotionally disconnect. He was much older and married, and we both knew that nothing good would ever come of acting on our feelings. Thankfully, it only took one month to find my new job. I have been living with my family, working at the new job, and next month I’m moving into a new apartment.

I also recently reconnected with some of those friends from college that I wrote in about. Six of us met up in City C for Labor Day weekend. We all got drunk one night and had a big share-fest about some of the good things and struggles we’ve gone through since college and some of the baggage we’ve carried, too. I was surprised to hear how they were also hurt from some of the things that happened in the sorority, and how much they missed the close friendships we had. It really seemed like they had grown a lot being out on their own and not stuck in that weird sorority clique.

I came to the conclusion that, while they might not be perfect, we shared a lot of great times, and these are people that I still care about. The relationships won’t ever be the same or as close as they once were, and I don’t plan on seeing them very often, but I think that, as I get older, it will be nice to still have that bond with people who knew me way-back-when.

Right now I’m concentrating on making new friends in this city, really working on staying in contact with my two best friends from City B (and they have been as well), and enjoying the last bit of summer with my parents, brother, and sister. It was nice living at home again with my whole family, but I am seriously ready to move out!

Thank you for the update! I’m glad to hear you got out of the job with the older, married mentor you were in love with. Sounds like you’re good about making healthy decisions for yourself.

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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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5 Comments

Great follow up. Perhaps one of the better ones Wendy has received. That could have been me writing the initial letter — feeling odd that after seeing college friends at numerous weddings after my relationship with them didn’t outlast college. Personally, I came to the conclusion that I’d rather put real, quality time (not Facebook or texting time) into making meaningful relationships with the friends and family that I choose, rather than spreading myself too thin. Just another perspective 🙂

Sounds like you reached a good balance. Focusing on friends who are nearby and in your present life while also staying in touch with friends from the past. 🙂

I’m kind of going through something similar. I have slowly grown apart from a girl I met in college who I thought would be my best friend forever. She’s pulled away and actually gotten close to a girl who was a friend of mine, so I’ve sort of lost two friends. I’m starting to learn that a lot of friendships aren’t forever and am still trying to figure out who my friends are. It’s heartbreaking, confusing and relieving all rolled into one.

And oh, do I know the feeling of falling in love with a mentor. I had a crush on someone who is my mentor but is in a relationship. It took me a few months to MOA and realize what our relationship is and isn’t. Luckily, we have never worked for the same company (well I did work at a place he did, but I didn’t come until after he had long left), so separation and reflecting was a lot easier. And now, I’m content again. I hope the LW can find the same peace I did.

“I recently left my job in City B and moved back to City A for a new job, where my family is and where I went to college.”

Oh please. Why all the cloak and dagger bullshit about “City A” and “City B”? Just call them “Boston” and “Chicago” or whatever they actually are. No one is going to guess your identity from the fact that you moved from one city to another!