It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Bad Luck Dater” who wrote in last week about the guy who stopped responding to her even when she texted him to come over for sex. “I could possibly accept being friends,” she wrote, “but it’s the fact that his behavior went from being a really nice guy to being nonexistent that gives me pause.” After the jump, she defends her behavior … and explains the “knife” incident.
Let me put in a bit of a timeline, as I may have not made that clear. We texted casually for a few months while I was still at the company – texting was really the only way to communicate, as I had little to no reception at work and was working crazy hours in a bad location (by that, I mean hours away from where I lived) that meant no social life. After I left the company, we started having more dates and more time together, mostly because we didn’t work at the same place anymore, and although we saw each other more, I did not jump into bed with him. I went into this with a casual mindset, as I wasn’t looking for anything serious, and I knew about his situation. After about three months, he had to keep leaving the state for various family things, and I was busy with my new job and some charity events, so texting was the only option.
I contacted him for sex when he was back in town, and he said “I’ll think about it,” to which I wrote him off for good. He then texted me a week later saying that he’d been working crazy hours and wasn’t trying to avoid me, but didn’t really apologize. I didn’t answer. I have not texted him since – he has been the one contacting me multiple times.
I contacted him for sex because I wanted sex. I wasn’t trying to win him over, or think I could change him, or think I could make him my boyfriend. A small part of me would like a relationship one day (not with him, necessarily), but is it bad that I just wanted sex? I have seen so many bad relationships around me lately, and to be quite honest, I just want to focus more on my career and other things rather than a relationship.
To those who claim I’m desperate: if I really were, I would have stayed with those guys who are going to stay in the book. I don’t like to lead people on, and if it doesn’t work, I cut it loose. To the person who said I was “very desperate” because I’m thinking so much about something as simple as friendship – over the past few months, I have had a string of guy friends whom I’ve known for years suddenly decide that if I didn’t sleep with them, I would be wasting my life. They harassed me about it until I firmly cut them out of my life. So yeah, I’m overly cautious about it for good reason, not because I want to cling on to the guy I was seeing. For keeping my distance and being wary about his intentions, if that makes me “very desperate,” then so be it.
Oh, and about the knife – it was a friend of mine who had asked to spend the night while going through town. I said yes, and when we were about to enter my building, he pulled it out (it was not a pocketknife) and said, “I had this in my pocket. Do you want me to leave it in my car?” I told him yes, and then he gave me grief about it, claiming someone could attack me in the middle of the night. I told him that it was my place, I can protect myself, and if he kept giving me grief, he could sleep outside. It just came out of nowhere, and I was rather taken off guard, and I’m not sure why he was carrying it around anyway. After that, things got really weird (a random “poetic” message on Facebook about how he wished he’d slept with me that night), and I just chalked it up to people change, and I need to just cut my losses and move on with my life. So I did.
Again, thanks for your advice – I really appreciate it.
Good luck on your search for friends and luvahs!
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].