It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Bitter Heart” who was upset that her recent ex-boyfriend, a guy she’d been with for five years, seemed to be gloating over his new girlfriend on Facebook. After the jump, her response to the advice she got from the His Take guys.
I realized that since I did the breaking up, it’s not that serious to worry about what goes on in his life. He lives a few minutes away from me so he passes my house on the way home and he recently paid me a visit where he ended up trying to kiss me multiple times. I didn’t allow this because I couldn’t do that to his girlfriend whether I know her or not, though he said, “She probably does the same thing.” That made me wonder if he’d done something similar to me.I personally think he’s good-for-nothing for doing that, and I’m finding out he wasn’t who I thought he was. I’ve moved on and when he found out, he texted me and said, “I hear you have a boyfriend,” and tried to find out who he is by sending me pictures of people we know and asking if any of them were him. Am I really the “bad person” here? I also feel for the new woman, who, from what I see doesn’t know this guy at all.
You know, I’d just de-friend this guy, delete him from your phone and stop allowing him to stop by for random visits. Let the past stay in the past and MOA.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
And if, after you de-louse yourself this louse out of your life completely, he continues to come around and pester you, start keeping a log of what, when, why, and where he does, and don’t hesitate to report him to the authorities. Not only is he a louse, it sounds like he has the potential to become a touch stalkerish. Good luck to you and here’s hoping I’m wrong on this call.
You’re not the bad guy, but why did you allow him into your home? What did you think was going to be accomplished by his visiting you?
You need to decide whether or not you’re over this guy. All this jealousy over his new hookup and contact with him (still?!) leads me to believe that you continue to have some serious issues in the MOAing department.
and why did you not ask him to leave the FIRST time he tried to kiss you?? By that point, his motive for visiting was pretty clear. Your motive for letting him stay? Not so much.
LW, what have you done that would even make you question whether you are the “bad person”? De-friend, ignore, forget. Those who genuinely don’t want drama in their lives always seem to have a magical way of avoiding it.
LW- I would tread lightly…in my experiance people who are exhibiting “crazy” behaviour may actually be crazy.
I dated a guy for three years (fully of verbal and sometimes physical abuse) and when I finally got the courage to end it, he went completely insane. With in a month of our break up he had broken into my apartment and stole my cat (thank goodness I got the cat back), almost drank himself to death, took his drug use from recreational to out of controll, and almost died due to complication with his diabetes. He some what got it together for a few months, but then convinced me to have a lunch with him before we both graduated college where he cried and tried to convince me to reunite with him (I did not). Over the next three years he would call at all hours of the night, text me strange things, Facebook message me…the works. Eventually he tried to overdose on cocane and spent 3 weeks in a mental institution- afterwhich he tried to again reconcile with me (I did not do). I also had a run-in with his now ex-girlfriend who was trying to figure out if he was abusing her (he was) and if she should leave him (she did). This was 14 months ago, and I haven’t heard from him since, and he finally un-friended me on FB.
I know what happened to me is a little extreme…but it already sounds like your ex may have boarded the Crazy Train. I would advise against doing anything which could lead him to react. Good luck.
” he ended up trying to kiss me multiple times. I didn’t allow this because I couldn’t do that to his girlfriend whether I know her or not…”
OR how about just not allowing it because you had already decided he didn’t make you happy and didn’t want to date him anymore???
Sorry, playing the martyr (selflessly denying his advances because you “care” about his girlfriend) and claiming you are no longer interested in this guy are mutually exclusive.
I think the bad person quote is from the original responses that the LW received. The comments put a lot of blame on her since she was the one who broke up with him, and did the facebook stalking. Seems like she has another issue now that she is using to make herself not look as bad.
Hey, I really don’t think any of us said you were the “bad guy.” Just that you were spending far too much time thinking about and, um, online facestalking this guy. Sadly, it appears that you still are. Defriend the ex. Don’t take his calls. And for the love of God, stop seeing this guy. Stop, stop seeing him! End of story! You say you feel like a new woman. Excellent. Now start truly acting like one by moving on completely and never once again looking back. Trust me. You will feel oh-oh-so-much better…
If you’re truly over this guy, WHY are you letting him visit? Why are you letting him attempt to kiss you OR have him ask your guy friends if you’re the new girlfriend. That’s hella creepy…and this is why restraining orders were invented. Tell him to stay away AND back up your words with your actions accordingly. You don’t want the drama – then don’t feed it.
too much drama here… he tried to kiss you “multiple times”? why didn’t you kick him out of your house the first time he tried? or better: why on earth do you let him intrude in your life when you happily stated you’ve moved on? this is not about good/bad guy (who said you we’re the bad guy?; i think this is about walking the talk
I don’t know, her defensive tone is probably just a response to the more negative comments on her original question. As for this update, it’s easy for all of us to be like “WTF, stop worrying about what he’s doing!” but there’s so many ways for exes to keep tabs on each other without even trying (i.e. Facebook, texting…) that the line for when/how to cut off all contact is a little blurry. With that said, I do definitely agree with everyone saying at this point, she should move on– but keep in mind that it’s not as easy as it used to be to keep the past in the past.
It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Bitter Heart” who was upset that her recent ex-boyfriend, a guy she’d been with for five years, seemed to be gloating over his new girlfriend on Facebook. After the jump, her response to the advice she got from the His Take guys.
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silver_dragon_girl September 26, 2011, 12:07 pm
I agree…de-friend, don’t answer his texts, just pretend he never happened. He sounds kinda crazy.
Tracey September 26, 2011, 12:22 pm
And if, after you de-louse yourself this louse out of your life completely, he continues to come around and pester you, start keeping a log of what, when, why, and where he does, and don’t hesitate to report him to the authorities. Not only is he a louse, it sounds like he has the potential to become a touch stalkerish. Good luck to you and here’s hoping I’m wrong on this call.
El September 26, 2011, 12:18 pm
You’re not the bad guy, but why did you allow him into your home? What did you think was going to be accomplished by his visiting you?
You need to decide whether or not you’re over this guy. All this jealousy over his new hookup and contact with him (still?!) leads me to believe that you continue to have some serious issues in the MOAing department.
EB September 26, 2011, 1:10 pm
and why did you not ask him to leave the FIRST time he tried to kiss you?? By that point, his motive for visiting was pretty clear. Your motive for letting him stay? Not so much.
HmC September 26, 2011, 12:19 pm
LW, what have you done that would even make you question whether you are the “bad person”? De-friend, ignore, forget. Those who genuinely don’t want drama in their lives always seem to have a magical way of avoiding it.
GatorGirl September 26, 2011, 12:20 pm
LW- I would tread lightly…in my experiance people who are exhibiting “crazy” behaviour may actually be crazy.
I dated a guy for three years (fully of verbal and sometimes physical abuse) and when I finally got the courage to end it, he went completely insane. With in a month of our break up he had broken into my apartment and stole my cat (thank goodness I got the cat back), almost drank himself to death, took his drug use from recreational to out of controll, and almost died due to complication with his diabetes. He some what got it together for a few months, but then convinced me to have a lunch with him before we both graduated college where he cried and tried to convince me to reunite with him (I did not). Over the next three years he would call at all hours of the night, text me strange things, Facebook message me…the works. Eventually he tried to overdose on cocane and spent 3 weeks in a mental institution- afterwhich he tried to again reconcile with me (I did not do). I also had a run-in with his now ex-girlfriend who was trying to figure out if he was abusing her (he was) and if she should leave him (she did). This was 14 months ago, and I haven’t heard from him since, and he finally un-friended me on FB.
I know what happened to me is a little extreme…but it already sounds like your ex may have boarded the Crazy Train. I would advise against doing anything which could lead him to react. Good luck.
Pinky September 26, 2011, 11:30 pm
Did we date the same guy? Was his name Allen?
GatorGirl September 27, 2011, 8:16 am
Haha no, his name was not Allen. But that is funny- my wonderful boyfriend now is named Allen!
Pinky September 27, 2011, 10:15 am
Spooky. If the new Allen is from Orange County, CA, RUN!
EB September 26, 2011, 12:30 pm
” he ended up trying to kiss me multiple times. I didn’t allow this because I couldn’t do that to his girlfriend whether I know her or not…”
OR how about just not allowing it because you had already decided he didn’t make you happy and didn’t want to date him anymore???
Sorry, playing the martyr (selflessly denying his advances because you “care” about his girlfriend) and claiming you are no longer interested in this guy are mutually exclusive.
haggith September 26, 2011, 2:02 pm
completely agree, especially when she says she’s not the “bad guy,” what is that supposed to mean anyways?
bagge72 September 26, 2011, 3:27 pm
I think the bad person quote is from the original responses that the LW received. The comments put a lot of blame on her since she was the one who broke up with him, and did the facebook stalking. Seems like she has another issue now that she is using to make herself not look as bad.
artsygirl September 26, 2011, 12:32 pm
LW – Cut this man out of your life. Nothing positive will come by maintaining contact.
Budjer September 26, 2011, 12:32 pm
There are a lot of situations where ex-es do not remain in contact for a billion good reasons….this is one of those.
EB September 26, 2011, 12:47 pm
” I also feel for the new woman, who, from what I see doesn’t know this guy at all”
Then stop looking. To paraphrase another commenter, NYFP( Not Your Fucking Problem).
bittergaymark September 26, 2011, 12:57 pm
Hey, I really don’t think any of us said you were the “bad guy.” Just that you were spending far too much time thinking about and, um, online facestalking this guy. Sadly, it appears that you still are. Defriend the ex. Don’t take his calls. And for the love of God, stop seeing this guy. Stop, stop seeing him! End of story! You say you feel like a new woman. Excellent. Now start truly acting like one by moving on completely and never once again looking back. Trust me. You will feel oh-oh-so-much better…
haggith September 26, 2011, 2:03 pm
” start truly acting like one by moving on completely and never once again looking back”
YES!!!
bagge72 September 26, 2011, 3:32 pm
Who are you, and what did you do with Mark? Haha just kidding, but I like this response!
SGMcG September 26, 2011, 1:54 pm
If you’re truly over this guy, WHY are you letting him visit? Why are you letting him attempt to kiss you OR have him ask your guy friends if you’re the new girlfriend. That’s hella creepy…and this is why restraining orders were invented. Tell him to stay away AND back up your words with your actions accordingly. You don’t want the drama – then don’t feed it.
haggith September 26, 2011, 2:08 pm
too much drama here… he tried to kiss you “multiple times”? why didn’t you kick him out of your house the first time he tried? or better: why on earth do you let him intrude in your life when you happily stated you’ve moved on? this is not about good/bad guy (who said you we’re the bad guy?; i think this is about walking the talk
Fabelle September 26, 2011, 2:43 pm
I don’t know, her defensive tone is probably just a response to the more negative comments on her original question. As for this update, it’s easy for all of us to be like “WTF, stop worrying about what he’s doing!” but there’s so many ways for exes to keep tabs on each other without even trying (i.e. Facebook, texting…) that the line for when/how to cut off all contact is a little blurry. With that said, I do definitely agree with everyone saying at this point, she should move on– but keep in mind that it’s not as easy as it used to be to keep the past in the past.