It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Concerned Sister,” a woman in her 20s who still lived at home with her single mother and brother who is also in his 20s. She wrote in after finding “unconventional porn” on her brother’s computer and worried that it could be a symptom of something greater. Everyone told her to chill out (and mind her own business), but keep reading to see if she had reason to worry.
Oh man, I’m not sure if I even want to re-open this mess of an issue. However, fortunately, I have a good update. I decided to back the f off, chill out, and let my brother live his life, not judge his choices, or even worry about him. He moved out in January, and we didn’t talk for about eight months. This really hurt our mom, but he and I needed the space to let the tension settle and anger dissipate. During that time, it seems he pulled himself together. He is more responsible, got a job not working for the family, and the nasty attitude has disappeared. He stopped drinking and is taking care of himself – he’s lost close to 30 lbs. He has a very sweet girlfriend whom he believes is “the one.”
I never brought up the weird stuff I found on his computer, and I won’t as I don’t feel it’s my place. Plus, I’m pretty ashamed of my actions there. We’re not close, but we’re not angry or resentful of each other anymore. We can spend quality time together and enjoy each other’s company.
Also, to clarify a point: while I was living at home, I was footing a lot of the household expenses while my mom started her own business. My brother, on the other hand, was not contributing either financially or with chores while he was there, which was a big reason for the anger I had toward him. However, our mama bird finally pushed him out of the nest and it was the best choice for all parties involved.
Anyways, thanks for the input, DW community! It was the kick to my behind that I needed and provided clarity in an emotionally-charged situation.
Thanks for the update. I’m glad you were able to take the advice to heart and that your relationship with your brother has improved as a result!
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at email@example.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.
bethany October 15, 2013, 2:05 pm
Great update! I’m glad things are going better for you all!
kerrycontrary October 15, 2013, 2:07 pm
Yay! I’m glad this is a happy update. I think a lot of adult siblings may have trouble living with each other in their childhood homes. There are a lot of dynamics and relationship issues at play in that sort of situation. The same goes for adult children living at home with their parents. Sometimes adult family members can have perfectly lovely relationships with each other, but they just can’t be under the same roof. I’m glad that “space” was the answer to your issues here and it sounds like you and your brother are both on good paths.
bondbabe October 16, 2013, 11:15 am
The original letter stated they had actually moved AWAY from their childhood home and away from his friends. I think this contributed to him isolating himself from his sister, mother and grandmother, and led to his behavior.
Glad to hear he’s had a turnaround though.
Fabelle October 15, 2013, 2:49 pm
Awesome update! Glad our advice was the good kind of wake-up call (& not the kind that has LWs screaming that we had it all wrong 😉 )
GatorGirl October 15, 2013, 3:15 pm
Aw man, I was really hoping for an explanation of the animal fetish! haha.
cdobbs October 15, 2013, 3:36 pm
is it wrong that i want to know what type of porn he was looking at? i mean maybe it was lesbian porn or something i wouldn’t consider weird at all…..not knowing is killing me!!!!
Fabelle October 15, 2013, 3:52 pm
Go back to the original letter! She said so in there 😉