Updates: “Concerned Submissive Feminist” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Concerned Submissive Feminist,” who had recently started hooking up with a guy she met on Craigslist to explore her submission fetish and worried about whether she was promoting violence against women by letting him dominate her sexually. After the jump, find out whether she came to a resolution for herself.

Thanks for answering me! In the end, the dom/sub thing was not really an issue. We had a lot of fun, we were (of course) safe and he was very nice, asking about and respecting all of my boundaries. So, as you said, it was a fantasy and a fantasy alone.

But after he evaded a few perfectly harmless questions, I came to the conclusion that he’s probably married or something close, so I ended it. I’m pretty open-minded, but that’s not OK with me. He never admitted it, but it was pretty obvious (i.e. he was only available in the morning or right after work and never on the weekends).

I definitely feel your concern about safety. It was way out of normal behavior for me, but (maybe because of a recent break-up) it was something I did out of the sheer need to break down a few boundaries. I do think I was lucky, but even though my physical well-being wasn’t at risk, I still didn’t know what I was getting into — and married/lying to his significant other isn’t OK.

One positive, however, that did come out of it is I was able to explore a fetish I’d never had the courage to explore before. The anonymity of it allowed me to do things I would have been shy or embarrassed to try with someone I knew. But now that I know it is definitely something I am very into, I will feel a lot more comfortable broaching it with a man who I meet in a more appropriate way.

Thanks for the update — glad to hear everything has worked out OK for you and you’ve reached an acceptance and comfort about your fetish.

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.


  1. AndreaMarie says:

    Great to hear this ended up being a positive experience for you. Taking control of your sex like and exploring what you like is very feminist!

    And in regards to him probably being married, I would guess your assumption is correct. A large majority of guys that are trolling Craigslist fetish sections are married, many times happily married, but i looking to indulge some fetishes that they might not be comfortable doing with their wives.

    Good luck.

  2. David Jay says:

    Taking control of your sex like and exploring what you like is very normal… period!

  3. Gwen Soul says:

    Instead of craigslist I recommend Fetlife.com for exploring your desires. I have found it to be a supportive community and while it has its own segment of creeps (it is the internet) it does make it easier to talk and ask questions since it is a dedicated community.

  4. Considering your letter was grouped together in a shortcut, I’m glad that the advice of those who addressed you got through! Continue to explore what you want from your sex life – but be safe and smart about it. Good luck and have fun!

  5. Does being supportive means encouraging someone to have a risky behavior and reckless life? I am seeing all these posters being very nice to the letter writer. Is it just me or the world is getting insane. I guess all these folks would say “I am sorry to know” when the consequences for the risky behviour are drastic for the letter writer.

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