It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Desire to Sire?,” the 50-year-old man who was trying to choose between “Woman A,” who’s 40 and wants kids, and “Woman B,” who’s 45 and likely cannot have bio kids. “The main issue at this stage is whether I want to have kids or not,” he wrote. “There is no point in continuing with woman B if I want kids. There is no point in continuing with woman A if I don’t want kids.” My response to his letter inspired this reaction from one reader, and now the LW has an update for us, below.
We met up for a coffee six weeks ago. After 45 minutes of pleasant conversation, I told her I wasn’t sure about having kids. She wants a man to say “I want kids” because she absolutely wants kids. I just don’t know if I’m passionate about having them at my age. I told her that I had just turned 50 (my online profile says I’m 48). She accused me of lying, but I told her she wouldn’t have gone out with me otherwise. In the end, I don’t think the age difference bothered her too much. She predicted I would end up a lonely old man if I don’t have children. I excused myself to go to the bathroom. When I returned, she had left her money for her coffee on the table, and we decided to leave. I suggested we talk about this further, but she replied “not with you” and drove away. There were no goodbyes.
From my understanding – but I could be wrong – most 40- to 45-year-old women want a partner first and if they can have a kid, that’s a bonus. It’s more important for them to find a partner than to have a child. I mean, can a 40-year-old woman even fall pregnant easily? Woman A is open to trying with IVF, but from what I’ve read, that’s not cheap. This woman makes me feel like she’s looking for a sperm donor. But what happens if we’re not compatible? Has she already made up her mind that I’m ‘good enough for her’? I like her but…she wants what she wants and I’m not sure, so I did not contact her again.
Also, things fizzled out with Woman B. I eagerly await your thoughts, Wendy…
I think if you don’t want to find yourself in this kind of predicament again — meeting a woman who passionately wants kids and is only looking for a partner who feels the same – you better stop lying about your damn age on your dating profile. Most women looking for a “sperm donor,” as you so delicately call it, aren’t looking for men 50+. You know that, which is why you lie. Don’t act all turmoiled and bent out of shape when your lie backfires and you find yourself on a date with a woman who says she’s looking for a man who wants kids. You could also be specific in your profile and explicitly say you don’t have kids and don’t want kids, because, spoiler alert: you don’t.
Also, PS: Yes, women who are 40 CAN and DO “fell pregnant” easily. Women who are 45 have a harder time, naturally, but it still happens. If you want to play it really safe, you could limit your search to women who are 48 and over. But that would mean actually dating women close to your own age, and I can guess how you probably feel about THAT.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.