It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Dying to Meet His Mom” who was frustrated that her boyfriend of eight months still hadn’t introduced her to his mother, despite her mentioning several times that she’d like to meet her. After the jump, find out if introductions have finally been made.
Thanks so much for posting my letter! I was a little hurt by some of the negative conclusions that readers came to about my boyfriend. I just want to clarify that the situation really isn’t like that; I’m in a wonderful relationship with a good hearted and honest man, who goes out of his way daily to show me how much I’m cared for. I have absolutely no reasons whatsoever to suspect infidelity or deceit. I realize that I did not give many details about our personal situation, so I’m sure the readers were only trying to look out for me with what little information they had. Honestly, my boyfriend is the most respectful and considerate man I’ve ever been with. I was just looking for some positive suggestions on how to bridge the gap between myself and his family.
I just told him outright that the delay in meeting his family had made me feel left out. I told him how important he was in my life and that I needed him to take charge of this situation and show me that I am equally important in his. He said that he had absolutely no problem introducing me to his mother and the delay was certainly not intentional; it had just never occurred to him to invite me along when he goes to help with her household chores. So, he suggested that I accompany him the next time he was planning to see her. And I did! She was wonderful! It was so nice to finally put a face to the woman he’s told me so much about. Seeing the home where he grew up and all of his childhood school photographs lined up along walls made me feel so much closer to him, especially since our upbringings were so similar. I was also invited to his sister’s home to meet her and her fiance, so I’m thrilled and very much looking forward to that!
Great, glad to hear. Once again, communication wins all.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
PFG-SCR March 8, 2011, 12:22 pm
I’m glad that you’ve communicated with him, and things have been worked out.
I’m sorry you were hurt by some of the replies to your letter. While I understand there is no way to put all of the relationship details into the letters, “we” (Wendy and commenters) can only comment on what has been communicated in the letter, but we also realize that the letter is one-sided. I rarely see anyone intentionally trying to be hurtful, but we all give our opinions based, in part, on our own experiences, and so sometimes a comment might be off the mark but other times, it gives the letter writer another angle to view the situation. That’s really the point, I think.
Meaghan Self March 8, 2011, 12:24 pm
I’m getting kind of tired of all these updates where the person immediately states that they hadn’t put all the details in their email to you. I mean seriously, if they’re asking you for help wouldn’t they include all circumstances? And assuming they read your articles routinely they would have picked up on this by now.
Sounds like a bunch of repeated denial, and people making excuses. Glad it works out, but seriously.
Daftendirekt March 8, 2011, 12:55 pm
Why would they include something if it’s not relevant to the letter? I mean, if a person knows full well that they are loved/respected/not being cheated on, and the letter has nothing to do with any of those things, why would the person think that they have to clarify that in their initial letter?
I mean, if you were in a good relationship and you were trying to figure how to communicate to your boyfriend about something, and you asked someone for unbiased advice, would you feel the need to say “By the way we’re perfectly happy and he’s not cheating on me!”
baby.blanka March 8, 2011, 1:39 pm
I think this one is a little tricky because she said she brought it up several times and in her response claims that communication was key. So based on the original letter everyone thought she had already communicated her frustrations when in reality, she hadn’t (or at least not to the extent that was useful).
Daftendirekt March 8, 2011, 1:45 pm
I get what you’re saying. Maybe I’m missing something… I just read the original letter and what I understood was that he was the one bringing it up?? And then when he never followed through she just said to him that she’d love to meet his mom but I didn’t get that she had told him how she felt about it. Not sure what to think.
sobriquet March 8, 2011, 5:17 pm
If these LW’s had the ability to look at their situation from our eyes and notice if there were any details missing in their letters, chances are they would also be able to look at their problem objectively and figure it out for themselves.
And then there wouldn’t even be a ‘Dear Wendy’ column to complain about!
Lindsay March 8, 2011, 12:59 pm
It’s important to remember that the people who visit this site don’t already know you and your significant other. It’s one thing if you are complaining to your friends, who know that your boyfriend (or girlfriend or husband, etc.) is a great guy who loves you. But if 95 percent of your letter is about this really obnoxious thing he’s doing, then that’s all readers can go by. Because there actually are guys who people write in about who are cheating or not interested or all-around bad people, so Wendy and commenters are going to be on the lookout for that.
That said, though I would never want to stop the flow of letters, if you have a ridiculously awesome relationship and one tiny problem that can be resolved by simply telling the person how you feel, it might be best to do that instead. I’m not directing that toward the LW who updated, but just in general. It seems like a lot of the people who defend their letters also find that their problem was solved by a very simple conversation.
Daftendirekt March 8, 2011, 1:13 pm
I agree with you that a lot of times problems are solved by simple communication. People are often too quick to run to others for advice before actually talking to their partner.
Beckaleigh March 8, 2011, 1:13 pm
I think we all need to realize that not every LW has the space to fit in every tiny detail. Also, Wendy has also stated that she edits letters that she receives, while maintaining the gist of the letter and situation.
Although all of the LWs who give us updates say that we didn’t have all of the information, I don’t think that we should be so harsh on the LWs who are respectful and are honest that SOME of the comments hurt their feelings. We are a tight community here and while some people’s comments do shed situations in a different light, we should never put someone down for being honest and sharing their feelings.
And when an LW provides an update and actually provides more details, we shouldn’t jump to the conclusion that the LW is making excuses. The LW is doing what most commenters ask: providing clarification.
MissDre March 8, 2011, 1:15 pm
Wow well said!
rosalee March 8, 2011, 9:11 pm
As one of the cynical ones who suspected deceit, I’m really sorry to have hurt the LW’s feelings. It wasn’t intentioned that way. Having had a bad experience myself, I’m probably guilty of projection in this case. In any event, I’m happy for the LW that things worked out so well.
fast eddie March 8, 2011, 2:50 pm
People, please let’s not forget that this site is primarily entertainment but the letter writers and commentates are human therefore we will make short sighted blurts that can be hurtful. I’m very glad that this episode has a happy ending and reminded us all to consider the feelings of everyone concerned with our off handed comments. It’s so easy to pontificate anonymously when we don’t have to live with the result or face them eye to eye.
HmC March 8, 2011, 3:17 pm
I think that a healthy, secure person writing in for advice (or asking for advice from anyone actually) has got to know that they can’t possibly communicate every relevant nuance of a relationship, and they’ve got to interpret advice accordingly. Especially if you are opening yourself up to anonymous strangers!
sarolabelle March 8, 2011, 4:01 pm
60% of Wendy’s advice is to communicate your feelings with the person you are in a relationship with. 30% is MOA and the other 10% is what I come to this site for.
MissDre March 8, 2011, 4:04 pm
LoL would you say is the other 10%?
HmC March 8, 2011, 4:32 pm
sarolabelle March 8, 2011, 5:28 pm
anything other than MOA or CWT (communicate with them). Ones like:
That really give me a new perspective and ideas and sometimes change how I think about some situations.