Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Facebook Flashback” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Facebook Flashback” who got a friend request from the ex who impregnated her years ago. She gave the baby up for adoption, and the young couple soon broke up. They had agreed to stay in contact should their biological son want to look them up, but he “dropped off the planet” a few years after their breakup … until this random friend request one day. After the jump, find out if she accepted the request and whether they’re in touch again.

First of all, I’d like to thank you for taking the time and replying to my letter. Secondly, I’d like to thank all of the readers who commented on my letter. You don’t know how much it means to me to hear encouraging words like you shared. Life wasn’t perfect growing up, and having this burden of being ‘that’ girl who had a baby in school has not been kind. It was refreshing to hear from people in a positive way (and for the record, yes I was 13 when I gave birth — first time ever having sex, to boot).

Now the update! I did ignore the friend request, but I replied to his message. I kept it short and said I was surprised to hear from him but didn’t give much more than that. I decided to let him do some of the talking and see if he really wanted to get back into contact. But guess what? I haven’t heard from him at all since his initial message. I figure maybe he was surprised to see that I didn’t come running back like a lost puppy like I would have years earlier. Or maybe he just didn’t really care about reconnecting and wanted to see what I was doing in life. Who knows. But I’ve taken everyone’s advice; I’m not worrying about him anymore.
Life was (and is) moving along just great without any contact from him, and will continue to do so!

Thanks again, Wendy! And thank you, readers!

Thanks for the update! I think you made the right decision.

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

8 comments… add one
  • artsygirl August 1, 2011, 12:11 pm

    Hugs to the LW!

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  • Tristy August 1, 2011, 1:21 pm

    Awesome update! Not only did you make the right decision, but I am SO glad that you are not worried about him anymore.

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  • bittergaymark August 1, 2011, 1:52 pm

    Really? I would have just accepted the friend request for the sake of your son and been done with it. Seriously, Facebook is such a passive way (what with various privacy settings etc) of staying in benign contact that it really couldn’t be more ideal.

    But then I truly believe in moving forward and not holding the mistakes of others — especially those that were mutual at 13 and then made at 19 (which, lets face it, isn’t exactly the hay day of maturity) — against them.

    Didn’t any of you read the last comment to the original letter? The one from the kid who was adopted and now can’t find the birthfather? It was enlightening. Very. Look, all I know is that if I were adopted, found my birthmother only to learn that she couldn’t even be bothered to remain in contact with my dad via facebook because he dropped out of sight at 19 (which isn’t exactly the biggest sin either) — um, well, frankly I wouldn’t be very happy with her. Sorry, I just wouldn’t.

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    • redessa August 1, 2011, 3:01 pm

      Well obviously she still knows who he is and how to contact him on facebook should the day ever arise that their child comes looking for them. I don’t think she is obligated to spend the rest of her life keeping in touch with the guy just in case that happens. Even the young man who comment on the original thread said if it isn’t “hurting your mental health.” We are in no position to judge what kind of pain his presence in her life might drag up.

      And unless he’s gone into the witness protection program, he shouldn’t be that hard to find even without facebook. It’s not like this was a one night stand and she doesn’t know the guy’s name, birthday, home town….

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    • Amber August 1, 2011, 3:58 pm

      I think there are other ways to stay in contact with a person rather than actually being friends with him on facebook. She is obviously able to send him a message and when she did he didn’t respond. You would think if he was genuinely interested in keeping in touch he would have taken the time to send a message back. What’s the additional point of adding him as a friend if all that means is the two of you can look at each other’s wall and pictures? It would be just as easy in the future to send him another message if she needed to contact him. You don’t need to be friends to do that.

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    • spot August 1, 2011, 5:18 pm

      Didn’t it say she gave the baby up for adoption?

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  • LTC039 August 1, 2011, 1:04 pm

    You did the right thing. From what you’ve said about him, I hope that if your son ever does go looking for you, he finds you first. Glad to know you’re doing well!

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  • j.walker August 2, 2011, 12:20 pm

    Ugh, I love it when people message/email me asking what I’m up to under the guise of wanted to rebuild a friendship and then never write back once they get all the information they need. This person obviously just wants to keep tabs on you… If you no longer need to be in contact, deny the request and ignore the message. The option for contact when it’s actually important will always be there if you need it.

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