It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Feeling Anxious About No Endpoint” who had a list of bullet points for why she wasn’t ready to commit to her boyfriend of four months. She wrote: “Sometimes I’ll have these crystalline moments where I realize that I could not ask for more kindness in a partner. But those moments are buffered by times where I feel overwhelmed by the idea that this might be the LAST person I ever date and what if I’m choosing wrong? I am scared that there’s a person I wouldn’t have these doubts with and that I need to find him!” Find out whether she’s still with the boyfriend and whether her doubts have dissipated.
The day before you published my letter, my boyfriend came to me with concerns because he noticed me pulling away. This opened up a conversation about how we transitioned from friends to dating. We skipped the part of a relationship where you do all the actual, well, dating. He lives only two blocks from me and the time we spent together was really unplanned. We decided to start planning dates. Not huge, elaborate productions, but just planning a day or two ahead of time for things to do together.
Around the same time, an unrelated part of my life shifted. We were short-staffed at work, and I had twice my normal workload. My boss quit, so I was without a manager. I had all these balls in the air; I would make mistakes and feel like a complete failure. We finally hired a new manager and two additional people to our team to handle the workload. Suddenly, work got a whole lot less stressful.
And everything in my life just got…lighter. I can’t explain it. That work all started around the same time as my relationship. I didn’t think to mention it in my letter because it seemed utterly irrelevant. But with a more manageable workload, everything in life just got easier overnight. I just feel less irritable, problems don’t seem as big, the future doesn’t seem oppressive.
Things have improved in other portions of my life as well. I’m catching up on hobbies, spending more time with my old friends, working out more. I really had no idea how much the pressure of my workload was stressing me out.
It’s been about two months since I wrote you and things are on-track. I’m now feeling very, very happy with my relationship and like it’s progressing naturally. He somehow got cuter in the last two months (is that even possible? It must be possible).
I think I have some lessons to learn here about balance, but I’m trying to take my time and not rush to any conclusions. So far, though, I feel much happier and less anxious, so I’m trying to take it one day at a time and not question it too much just yet.
Thank you again (to you and your readers) for the thoughtful response.
Thanks for the update and best of luck to you!
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at email@example.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.