It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Found His Sex Site,” a woman who discovered that her boyfriend was a member of a sex site where he was sharing stories about his sex life with other women. Keep reading to see whether these two are still together.
I am building my trust of him. I just know he wouldn’t cheat on me and he is doing everything he can to get my trust back, to show me that he loves me. So far, since then, we argue a lot less and are generally happier now than we have been for a few months. Not sure if the issues with the site are to do with that or to do with other things or a mix.
I see your point [about being cautious that he was active on the site while he was with his ex]. But I know that I am nothing like his ex, and what I have with my boyfriend is very very different than what he had with her. She was physically and emotionally abusive towards him at times and that is partly why he went on the site in the first place, although I still think it was a really bad and horrible thing to do. But I obviously wasn’t a part of his life then, so his previous relationship isn’t really my business.
I wasn’t really snooping, he was asleep and his phone kept making noises so I picked it up to try find out how to put it on silent and came across the email while doing so — it was from the site so it was on the screen when his phone kept giving notifications.
He is happy to show me his emails now, like volunteers to, because I know how he really wants me to trust him again. I am just hoping for the best, really. Thank you for your help.
Well, best of luck to you, and thanks for the update!
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
MISS MJ October 29, 2012, 2:09 pm
It’s great that he deleted the site and they’re working on their relationship, but, I’d still be cautious. Looking at the initial letter, it wasn’t just that the BF had forgotten to delete the account, he was also talking to someone on it while he was with the LW. (Or at least that was the impression I got.) I’m sure the LW’s relationship with him is better than his last one, but the fact remains that he appears to have a pattern of reaching out to other women on sex sites when he is having problems with his real life girlfriend instead of dealing with them. That’s a big old red flag to me, and I hope it is something the LW and her BF are openly and honestly communicating about. Good luck to them!
LK7889 October 29, 2012, 2:21 pm
I wish the LW luck but…
…this letter follows the pattern of most updates where the LW openly says that s/he didn’t follow Wendy’s advice (in fact, ignored it outright) and then gets defensive about what s/he did or changes the story told in the first letter.
My advice to all of the LWs: Don’t ask for advice if you have no intention of taking it. Or at least don’t write update letters telling everyone that you ignored the advice you were given.
LK7889 October 29, 2012, 2:23 pm
Sorry for the rant everyone. Someone asking for advice/help and then ignoring it is one of my pet peeves.
Pant-less drunky October 29, 2012, 2:36 pm
Maybe it’s because I’m a bit untrusting, but when the LW’ story changes I often think that they might be making it up cause the advice wasn’t what they wanted to hear or their letter put them in a bad light.
katie October 29, 2012, 2:42 pm
where is The Validator when you need them????
The Validationer November 1, 2012, 9:42 pm
Katie, you’re right. Pant-less drunky, you’re right. And crazy LW, you’re right, too.
LK7889 October 29, 2012, 2:53 pm
Yeah, I agree. It’s all about ignoring what they don’t want to see/acknowledge and if changing the story or making up something new is the best way they can think of to do that, then that is what they will do.
lemongrass October 29, 2012, 2:35 pm
“I just know he wouldn’t cheat on me” RED FLAG! You can trust that someone won’t cheat on you, I am all for that when someone has earned your trust but to “know” is naive as everybody has the capacity to cheat.
theattack October 29, 2012, 3:09 pm
What an accurate way of saying this. I’ve never been able to find the right words, and people get in a tizzy over this concept. Remember what you said, because I’m sure plenty of future LWs will need to hear it!
j.walker October 29, 2012, 2:50 pm
Well he cheated on his ex… But she was crazy! Unlike me, a cool girl who he would never cheat on.
GatorGirl October 29, 2012, 3:08 pm
LW you are blaming your BF’s ex for his cheating. It doesn’t matter what she did or didn’t do in the relationship, he is the only one at fault for cheating.
GatorGirl October 29, 2012, 3:11 pm
Also, the fact that he is “voulenteering” to show you his e-mail is a red flag to me. To me that is going out of your way to prove you’re in the clear…which to me is a red flag that he’s hiding something.
oldie October 29, 2012, 3:10 pm
Self delusion perseveres in its folly. This won’t end well, but LW seems desperate to hang onto this guy.
MiMi October 29, 2012, 3:10 pm
It’s easy to demonize the ex, how horrible she was and how that justified his stinky behavior, but unless you know the woman personally, realize that the picture that’s been painted of her for you (by him) is probably not the truth. Maybe she was cray but then maybe she was just trying to have a meaningful relationship with him…like you. It’s lovely that you are trusting and believe in your man, but the fact that he’s behaved skeezily *while with you* says you’d better keep one little corner in the back of your mind alert.
Desiree October 29, 2012, 3:31 pm
Your boyfriend trivializing his past mistakes is a red flag. And the fact that you essentially justify his trivializing in order to feel okay about the relationship is a big problem. Adults don’t blame their bad decisions on others; they take responsibility. A person who doesn’t own his/her mistakes is likely to repeat them.
painted_lady October 29, 2012, 3:45 pm
You know he wouldn’t cheat on you. You *know* he wouldn’t cheat on you.
aWho the hell says, “I’m pretty sure that if he got a better offer, he’d totally cheat.” NO ONE SAYS THAT, LW. Who would stay with a person they think would cheat on them? I want to meet these people. They sound fascinating.
I’m so glad he deleted that site, too, seeing as he couldn’t possibly make another profile and totally consulted you on that first one he made. Come on. Are you kidding me? I’m pretty sure if you walked in on him boning another woman, you’d say he tripped.
JK October 29, 2012, 3:54 pm
Thanks PL for putting it so eloquently. Words failed me at trying to compose a reply to this “update”
Bethany October 29, 2012, 5:35 pm
Pretty sure the LW WAS snooping. It’s fairly easy to silence any cell phone without accessing email… Just sayin’!!
MP October 30, 2012, 12:34 am
To be fair, iPhone’s notifications for emails have blurbs pop up with who the email is from and the first couple words. She just had to look at his phone.
Lindsay October 29, 2012, 8:52 pm
I don’t know the LW’s relationship, but cheating happens because of what kind of person the cheater is, not because of what kind of person their SO is. If you have that bad of a relationship that you want to seek sex or whatever from other women, then you should end the relationship.
KKZ October 30, 2012, 9:05 am
I’m gonna go against the crowd on this one and say Good for you, LW. In my opinion, and you’re free to disagree, no one has actually cheated here; I’d put his actions on about the same level as flirting with another girl at a bar when the LW wasn’t around. He made some poor decisions, but on the larger scale of possible breaches of trust, I’d consider this pretty tame. And I can honestly say if I were in your position, LW, I would forgive him and move on. Maybe keep an eye out for warning signs for a little while, but otherwise, this wouldn’t be a complete trust-breaker for me.
I’m also confused by seeing quite a few people say that he’s not telling the truth about his abusive relationship with his ex. What part of that story stinks? I know the whole “gaslighting” thing and men calling women crazy offhand and all that, I get that, but (excuse the lightheartedness) some bitches legitimately be crazy. We’ve had letters here recently that show that. If his ex indeed physically (!) and emotionally abused him, and he turned to the internet to escape, well…sure, maybe not the most mature thing he could have done, but not the most harmful, either. And it certainly doesn’t mean he’ll do it every time he and the LW have a fight over something. What he did with ONE past ex-girlfriend does not really constitute a “pattern,” just a mistake.
Anyway, long story short, I have sympathy for the BF, I don’t automatically disbelieve what he’s telling and showing you, and I don’t think this automatically spells doom for your relationship, nor do I see the same HUGE red flags that others are claiming to see. My disclaimer is, I married my high school sweetheart and have exactly 0 experience dating as an adult, so what do I know. I tend to be a pretty trusting person when it comes to other people, but I also trust my gut. LW, if your gut isn’t telling you he’s up to something, or something’s off, I’d say you’re fine to proceed. I’m not saying Marry the guy immediately, he’s a keeper! but I don’t think this alone is something to break up over.
Kate October 30, 2012, 10:37 am
I didn’t comment on the original letter, but I will say here, that posting a profile on a sex site while still in a relationship is a bad sign regarding this guy’s integrity. He says he did it because things were really bad with his girlfriend at the time. Now, in the current relationship, he starts messaging someone on the site when things hit a rough patch.
LW, you say you know he would never cheat on you (which you don’t, as others have pointed out), and you’ve told yourself the messages he’s exchanging are ok because they weren’t that detailed and he didn’t meet up with this woman. I hope you realize that exchanging emails with a woman from a sex site on which your boyfriend still had *an active profile* is not ok or normal behavior in a relationship. Whether or not you define it as cheating, it says bad bad things about his honesty, communication, maturity, and conflict resolution skills. It also demonstrates a need for attention outside the bounds of a relationship, which isn’t good.
I understand why you are hanging on here and “hoping for the best,” but I think you’re in for a world of hurt down the line. Guys who do things like this KEEP doing them, and they do cheat. (And they can do this while acting very loving and sweet to you). Of course your relationship isn’t like his previous one, and you’re different than his ex, but you have proof that he was *actively using the sex site* while with YOU.
Your entire letter sounds like one justification / excuse after another. If your sister or best friend were in a 9-month relationship with a guy, which had a rough patch of a few months, during which he was emailing a stranger on a sex site, after having done the same thing to an ex, and claimed he “didn’t know how to delete” the site, would you think it’s a good idea to stay with him and hope for the best? I hope not.
Eljay October 31, 2012, 9:35 am
Very well said. The one thing I couldn’t forget/forgive about my husband’s infidelity was – when the going got tough, he got a girlfriend. I tried, but just couldn’t do it.
landygirl October 30, 2012, 10:59 am
One problem I see with this update is that the LW is fooling herself into thinking she’s different and the BF wouldn’t treat her the same way as he treated the ex. I can tell you from experience that that is wishful thinking. You’ll eventually learn this the hard way.
The Validationer November 1, 2012, 9:56 pm
Dear Found His Sex Site,
You’re right, you are nothing like his ex. And, he is nothing like his ex. Your relationship is nothing like his relationship with his ex. And his behavior is nothing like when he was– wait a minute. Um, keep up the good work!