Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Ghosted Fifty-Something” Responds

updatesIt’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Ghosted Fifty-Something” who wrote in last month when her boyfriend (also in his 50s) ghosted her after eight months together. She wrote: “It’s definitely over for him. I just don’t know why, and for the life of me I can’t figure out what I did or didn’t do. There were some signs of slight pulling away, but that happens with anyone at times. Up until now we talked or connected every day and it was good; now, it’s like he evaporated. There’s a huge hole in my heart and life with zero closure.” Her update – with closure — below:

I’m the one that my boyfriend (Roger) ghosted out of nowhere. We are in our fifties and had been in a good relationship for eight months. Most people thought I was too pushy or controlling – maybe, but it doesn’t matter now.

I found out on Facebook what happened, and it was easy. He had been cheating on me for at least a couple months, and she had posted they were “in a relationship” a month prior to his ghosting me. This was the absolute last thing I thought had happened; I thought he was messed up or I messed it up. He told me he would never, ever cheat on someone as that’s so painful. Here he was seeing someone else while telling me I was the love of his life and he was planning a future with me. I believed all those words that had no actions to back them up.

Then I started thinking of all the reasons why he’d do that and, of course, it had to do with my being not good enough. I put a stop to that thinking; he’s a weak man to have done all that — lie to me, lie to his family and friends, and not just tell me it was over when he met someone else.

The lesson learned here is that he lied to me from the beginning about his living situation. Shame on me for thinking he had quit lying. I should have dumped his ass the second I found out about his adept ability for storytelling. I learned the hard way, but I learned.

Thank you for listening.

 
Thanks for your update. I’m sorry for the pain Roger and his lies caused, and I hope you won’t let this experience harden you and close you off to future potential relationships. You cannot always avoid dating someone who may lie or hurt you, but there were definitely some red flags with Roger early on that you ignored or didn’t give as much weight to as they warranted. Please take the relationship as an important reminder to pay closer attention to such red flags going forward and to end a relationship if you’re gut is telling you something is off. Your instincts can save you more pain in the future!

***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

6 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Poppy May 20, 2019, 8:36 am

    Well on the positive side you got closure. Now you dont have to dwell on him anymore and can move forward. The reason why he cheated is the same reason why anyone cheats; they are selfish and cowards. So you grt rest your head knowing you didnt do anything wrong. If you werent the right pwrson for him or what he was looking for he should have adult enough to voice.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Poppy May 20, 2019, 8:37 am

    Sorry for the mispelled words.

    Reply Link
  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark May 20, 2019, 11:21 am

    Eh… NEWSFLASH: Most relationships fail. More, the need to vilify one’s exes and always play the victim is one that I — frankly — find rather tedious.

    Reply Link
    • FireStar

      FireStar May 20, 2019, 9:00 pm

      He cheated. That makes him the villian. No one had to stay in a relationship they no longer want but fucking say so when you are leaving it.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Laura May 21, 2019, 7:11 pm

        Thank you FireStar.
        I loved this man for 8 months and we had a good/decent relationship , he’s not a villian and I’m not a victim.

        He decided he wanted to be with the ‘other’ girlfriend he had and ghosted me. It hurts a lot, it wasn’t fair, it’s maddening, it was immature.

        Did I deserve this? No. Did I ignore his poor relational skills? Yes. Did I know this could happen? No. Did I learn that liars continue to lie? Yes.

        There’s blame and stupidity to go around, albeit what he did was unnecessarily cruel and immoral on some levels. But focusing on that isn’t going to help me heal; focusing on how I can protect myself in the future will. It’s over, it’s gone, wish I could erase my memory as easily.

        Link
  • avatar

    when love meant something May 21, 2019, 7:02 pm

    Yes weak people like to keep a foot in both camps. One foot in present relationship and one foot in plan b/back up/next victim. I smh at the male’s comment above, “most relationships fail – dont vilify” sounds extremely flakey. Sure, cut the ghosting liar off like cancer and never think of them again. I think we all need to be sensible and not rush into anything. So for women that means not endulging in sex before you have solid reasons to trust someone as we are wired different. Especially us older generation – after sex we think the relationship is more solid and going
    “somewhere” and often after sex men think “scored” thank you. NEXT! BEWARE and protect your feelings!

    Reply Link

Leave a Comment