It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Got the Boot” (LW2) whose husband finally left her for a woman he’d been having an 11-month affair with after a string of other affairs during their 11-year marriage. She wrote: “It hasn’t been a year and now they are both all over social media stating how they’ve found “the one.” I’m heartbroken. Could it possibly be that he has found his true love? Is he now a better person, in a better relationship with a better woman?” An update below.
Our house has sold and, being that he would threaten to force me to stay in his hometown, I took the necessary measures to obtain a move-away granted by a judge (custody included). So my kids and I have moved (to my hometown, a couple hours away) to be closer to my family for emotional support. I put distance between us and have cut all contact with him with the exception of discussing our kids, but even that I keep to a bare minimum. Yes, he firmly believes that we can be good friends, but I can’t and DO NOT want to be his friend. I am also getting everything settled because he has yet to provide any financial support for his kids. The simple fact that I am working and made a profit on the sale of the house AND am still seeking financial support from him makes me greedy, according to him.
I have since blocked him from social media. I couldn’t bear the pain of seeing him such a changed and happy man with his girlfriend. Things I wanted to do with him, but where there was no time or no money, he is now doing with her. If it’s on social media, it has to be true; otherwise, why post it, right? Breaks my heart. I know that we all have our good and bad, and I’m not trying to portray myself as this innocent/perfect “victim,” because I’m not. But I never stepped out on him and I really, really did try to make the relationship work. In the midst of it all I lost myself.. lost my worth, my value,even my self-esteem.
Wendy, I know that there is life past him and I am trying really hard to move on. I know that I am a good woman and an awesome mother. I am in therapy now to help me be a better person for myself and for my kids. I am a very active person, so running and hitting the gym are helping me cope with the anxiety and the stress that this all brings. So all I can do is keep focusing on the goals that I have set for myself and allow time to help mend my soul (sounds cliche) and bring peace into my life.
Your opinion enlightened some views that my sister has been trying to point out for me to see (or as she calls it “ripping the bandage off my eyes”). I had just thought that she was just being “kind,” she being my sister and all. But you both share the same opinion of him. So, it makes me happy to know that the steps I’ve taken to move on are the best and healthiest for me and my kids.
Once again, thank you, thank you, thank you for including me in your column.
Sounds like you are making some really healthy choices. Give yourself plenty of time to grieve and heal. It’s ok to NOT feel ok for a while. Don’t rush it, but continue doing things for yourself, protecting your finances, and protecting your children. In time, this will be part of your past, and part of what has and will continue to make you a strong woman, capable of more than you’ve probably given yourself credit for. Best wishes!
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at email@example.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
Ale November 12, 2018, 1:17 pm
LW, you’re doing great. Just because you’re not over your relationship as fast as he is doesn’t mean you won’t ever be or you’re doing something wrong. You’re taking the steps you need to take.
dinoceros November 12, 2018, 1:43 pm
Great job! Keep it up — don’t give in and you’ll see all this work and pain pay off.
Skyblossom November 12, 2018, 1:50 pm
“The simple fact that I am working and made a profit on the sale of the house AND am still seeking financial support from him makes me greedy, according to him.”
This says everything you need to know about him. He’s selfish and self-absorbed. His kids need to be fed and sheltered and clothed and he thinks you are greedy for feeling he should contribute to their well-being. Refusing to financially support his own children is the height of greed and selfishness.
If he doesn’t pay his child support don’t hesitate to take him to court.
RedBlue November 12, 2018, 1:51 pm
If he’s not paying his child support, see a lawyer and garnish his wages. He has a moral and legal obligation to help to support his children.
SherBear November 12, 2018, 4:01 pm
When I read your first letter I genuinely wondered if I know your ex-husband. If his friends are anything like me they are rolling their eyes at him…one minute he’s mr family man then next minute he has a new love of his life and it’s ALLLL over Facebook. I’ve wondered about his kids as it does seem like he’s too busy for them now and I also wonder how happy they really are if he has to plaster it everywhere with their own hashtags, it’s honestly ridiculous to see someone near 40 acting like that. Good for you for blocking him, life will come around and knock him off his high horse at some point.
Taylor November 12, 2018, 8:26 pm
LW, you are kick ass! The only way out is through, and you are getting through. Good for you!
SpaceySteph November 28, 2018, 12:02 pm
I’m late to this post but in case LW is still out there, with regard to this line:
“If it’s on social media, it has to be true; otherwise, why post it, right?”
Umm, no thats not at all how it works. Plenty of people exaggerate on social media, or present the rosiest possible picture. I’d guess they’re in the “doth protest too much” category i.e. they have to talk all the time on facebook about how happy they are until they believe it to be true, to cover up the fact that they are two gross cheating losers.