It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Her Older Man,” a 60-year-old man who had been dating a 34-year-old woman for nine years. The woman kept him a secret from her parents, whom she moved back in with in order to save money to buy her own place. She then broke up with the LW, saying she needed a younger man whom her parents would approve of and whom she could have a family with. “Since the split we’ve either texted, chatted, or emailed every day. Our breakup is killing me and I know she’s hurting. Do I just walk away or stick around knowing that, if she meets someone else, I’ll be gutted?” Keep reading to see whether he walked away or stuck around.
I moved nearer to where she lives, and she also works within a 10-minute drive of my new flat. She still maintains this secrecy of our relationship to her parents as she moved out of her rented accommodation and in with them in order to save money to purchase a house.
We are in the process of raising the money to buy a house between us this year and then moving in together. I’ve had fertility tests and, although I’m 60, there’s sufficient sperm count to produce a baby. There are many who will judge that a man of my age shouldn’t be with a woman of her years. And, yes, there are many pitfalls and disadvantages. But we’ve been together secretly for 10 years. When we move in together, there’ll be no hiding it from her parents or anyone else!
Hopefully, the coming months will provide us both with a loving home together and, despite all the criticism we’ll receive, we’ll be together!
Thanks for the update! Despite your 25-year age difference, you and your girlfriend are both adults and should feel free to be together openly and happily. I hope the coming year will allow you to do just that.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
Lyra January 27, 2015, 6:47 pm
I don’t know…this doesn’t sound like much of a change to me. Here’s why:
1. She STILL keeps you a secret from her parents, even though she lives with them. Think about that…what does that tell you about how she views you and her relationship with you?
2. You say you are in the process of saving up to buy a house. What exactly does that mean? Do you have an actual plan in place? Do you have a joint savings account? Do you have a month for when you want to move in together?
3. What if she gets cold feet?
4. What happens when she says “SURPRISE! Actually I’m buying a house with my boyfriend who you’ve never met but we have been together for 10 years!”?
If you have in place great, I hope it works out. If there are no concrete plans…I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if she extended the deadline indefinitely. She is stringing you along. And trust me, just because she moves in WITH you doesn’t mean that things will be all hunky dory with her parents right away. It sounds like she is STILL afraid to tell them about you. Why?? I get that you love her and I get that she means a lot to you, but quite honestly you don’t deserve to be treated this way. Aren’t you sick of hiding?
RedroverRedrover January 27, 2015, 7:11 pm
I agree. I wish you well, but it doesn’t really sound like you’re any further along. Until her parents know about you and you’re part of her “real” life, nothing else really makes a difference.
Lyra January 27, 2015, 7:16 pm
I can hardly believe this has been going on for 10 YEARS.
kmentothat January 28, 2015, 9:00 am
I would really recommend keeping the money you are raising to buy a house separate from her…no joint account, no giving to her for safe keeping. It’s better safe than sorry, because it is extremely odd that she still refuses to tell her family about you after 10 years and with these plans coming up.
Honestly I’d be worried she was trying to scam me out of money while looking for another guy to date. Which very well may not be the case, but KEEP YOUR MONEY SEPERATE until she is willing to be open with her family and friends about the true nature of your relationship.
Laura Hope January 28, 2015, 9:11 am
I think I’m giving up trying to psychoanalyze people I don’t know. But I do know that if after 10 years, my SO was still keeping our relationship a secret, I would start psychoanalyzing myself. (And no, your age gap isn’t as uncommon as you think)
bittergaymark January 28, 2015, 5:19 pm
Honestly? Guys becoming dads at sixty is obnoxious and selfish.
Woman of words January 28, 2015, 5:44 pm
If all was above board, now that you’re living close to where she currently lives and works, why wouldn’t you just move in together to save money? Why are you happy to remain a secret, after 10 YEARS?! I think she’s using her parents as an excuse… Be very wary with your money!
wobster109 January 28, 2015, 6:28 pm
Oh goodness. Here, step back a moment. This house is going to cost you $100k or more. Is it really wise to make such a big decision when she won’t even take the small step of telling her parents about you?
If you do buy a house together, make sure you get a written contract with details about how much you’ll each pay and what happens if someone doesn’t pay. Really, seriously. You are 60. You can’t afford to be hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt if she bails.