It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “In Love with a Bi-Man” who was bothered by her bi boyfriend’s sexual experiences with men. “Do you think it will be possible for me to fully accept what happened in that past,” she wrote, “or does he really deserve someone who can accept him immediately? Is there some way for me to fully change the prejudices I might have, but don’t want?” Keep reading to find out if she’s come around to accepting him or if she’s moved on already.
It’s been a few months now, and things have changed drastically since my letter was posted, so I decided it was time for an update.
Prior to my letter being published, I had felt extremely guilty about my feelings towards my boyfriend and how I had responded to the situation. It wasn’t until I saw your response, and the additional comments left by your readers, that I realized the issue involved much more than just my own response to his admissions. You helped me to realize that it wasn’t completely my fault for the problem; he had been lying to me, several times, since the beginning of our relationship. Although I could (and still can) see why he chose to keep it a secret and reveal it slowly, my trust for him was greatly diminished by this act. We did our best to work through it, and I tried my best to accept his past so that we could move forward.
I would like to say that things improved for us, but in the end these revelations were only the beginning of a series of betrayals. In addition to learning there was even more to the story than he had originally told me (there were additional men he had interacted with, as some readers had predicted), I also caught him emailing a transsexual on Craiglist and planning a meet-up. I chose to forgive him for this as well, since he said he was only interested in getting pictures, but I now realize how naive I was at the time. I thought we could salvage what was left of our relationship, but it soon became clear that he had lost all of my trust and it would be impossible for him to ever gain it back. In hindsight, I regret not realizing that if he lied about one big thing, he was probably lying about other things (and he was). In the end, our relationship ended because it was damaged early on and, clearly, based on a lie.
On a positive note, I have started to see someone else since then, and he is a great guy. I have made sure to emphasize how important honesty is to me, and I hope that I can take what I have learned from my previous relationship and use it to better myself and my future. I don’t plan on letting someone else take advantage of my trust in that way ever again.
Thank you and your readers for your advice.
Thanks for your update, and best of luck in your new relationship!
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
Addie Pray January 23, 2012, 2:19 pm
I read over the original letter and comments…. and awww, that’s back when spaceboy761 still commented. I miss his comments!
Wendy January 23, 2012, 2:37 pm
I emailed him at the old email address he used to as his login, but it was returned. I know his real name and found him on facebook, but it would be weird if I sent him a message there, I think. But I don’t think anyone else who has been MIA as long as he has gets mentioned as much as he does. My hunch is he started a new job (which would explain why the old email address, a work addy, no longer works) and got too busy fo DW.
Addie Pray January 23, 2012, 2:40 pm
No, not weird – send him a message! You could just tell him you’re checking in and wanted to let him know the DW women miss him. And that Budj and Baggage72 aren’t enough for us. 😉
Budj January 23, 2012, 2:48 pm
Bagge and I are crushed…I’m speaking for him because all men have a telepathic connection to know when we are emotionally wounded.
Addie Pray January 23, 2012, 2:53 pm
That was just me trying to get your attention. Now I got it, but I don’t know what to do with it. … I am a lousy DW flirter. (And oh wait, his user name is Bagge72, right? Not “baggage” – haha)
Budj January 23, 2012, 2:56 pm
Yea – I was being nice and let “Baggage” slide 😛
Bagge72 January 23, 2012, 3:23 pm
Budgj can always speak for me (wish I could have figured out away to catch his show while I was in NY)! I have about a million nicknames, because of my last name (pronounced bag) and that would be one of my favorites that people call me. Some of my least favorites are douche, tea, trash and stuff like that.
Will.i.am January 23, 2012, 3:47 pm
You two have a bromance!
Wendy January 23, 2012, 2:57 pm
But I only know his real name because of the email he used to log in. It’s not like he ever “outed” himself, so I feel like there’s a line of confidentiality I need to respect. Sort of? Plus, what if he has a crazy wife who checks his facebook messages and starts freaking out because some women she’s never heard of is messaging him. Not that anything like that ever happens. I mean I’ve never heard of anything crazy like that!
Addie Pray January 23, 2012, 3:13 pm
You’re on to something! Maybe that’s why spaceboy quit in the first place. His wife was getting jealous of all the thumbs up he was receiving from women. Thumb upping a married man is probably inappropriate.
Wendy January 23, 2012, 3:19 pm
Yeah, I always kinda thought his wife maybe his wife had something to do with his disappearance. Better not rock the boat then…
Maybe one day he’ll come back on his own.
honeybeenicki January 23, 2012, 3:23 pm
Hmm I wonder what the official thought is on whether or not thumb upping a married man is appropriate. We probably can’t find it on any etiquette site.
Bagge72 January 23, 2012, 3:24 pm
Umm I don’t think it is apropriate for anybody butt his wife to stick a thumb up there.
Zyggurat January 23, 2012, 5:39 pm
Bagge, this is definitely the best comment of the day. Bravo!
JK January 23, 2012, 2:42 pm
Is there such a thing as too busy for DW?
Addie Pray January 23, 2012, 2:45 pm
AKchic January 23, 2012, 2:52 pm
On occasion – yes.
Wendy January 23, 2012, 2:54 pm
Btw, your comments are still ending up in the spam folder in the forum. I keep approving them, but I can’t figure out why they end up there in the first place (no one else’s are). Can you try logging out and logging back in? I’ll also ask my tech help if he knows what’s going on.
JK January 23, 2012, 3:01 pm
Could it be because my email addres is .com.ar?
I was thinking maybe if I register it might help?
Wendy January 23, 2012, 3:06 pm
Yeah, try registering. That should do it.
JK January 23, 2012, 3:51 pm
Now I registered, but I haven´t received the password yet.
I´m sure everyone is desperately awaiting my amazing comments on the forum. 😀
Skyblossom January 23, 2012, 4:53 pm
I can’t find a place to login. I have subscribed.
Wendy January 23, 2012, 4:58 pm
When you say subscribed, do you mean registered? You need to register. There’s a widget on the right-most sidebar towards the bottom that says “members” and you can login there.
Addie Pray January 23, 2012, 3:14 pm
Or maybe it’s because your comments are really shitty, JK. Did you think of that? I kid, I kid. Tough crowd.
JK January 23, 2012, 3:50 pm
I did think that (did I ever mention I tend to paranoia from time to time?)
Addie Pray January 23, 2012, 10:06 pm
I get paranoid too. Like, I need to see a thumb up to feel better about my comment. And on that note, I’m going to thumb up myself, which sounds dirty.
Addie Pray January 23, 2012, 10:07 pm
(Because later I’ll forget and I’ll come back and say, “oh lookie, I got a thumb up.”)
honeybeenicki January 23, 2012, 3:24 pm
Well, technically I am slammed at work right now. But that isn’t stopping me at the moment. I can only look at the same stuff over and over again for so long before I start to go a little crazy.
MissDre January 23, 2012, 3:02 pm
Yes! We miss Spaceboy!!!
lets_be_honest January 23, 2012, 3:44 pm
“too busy for DW”
Well that’s an oxymoron if I ever heard one!
theattack January 23, 2012, 5:09 pm
There was quite a while when I didn’t see you around here either, LBH!
lets_be_honest January 23, 2012, 9:40 pm
Ha fair enough. You’re right! I did still read many comments then though.
landygirl07 January 23, 2012, 2:23 pm
LW, while I’m sad that your relationship didn’t end on a positive note, I’m glad you realize what it is you want from a partner. Good luck to you.
JK January 23, 2012, 2:43 pm
THis letter had really stuck with me (it was back in the day when I barely commented, but read EVERYTHING), I´m glad things worked out for the best. 🙂
anonymous January 23, 2012, 3:06 pm
Good job learning something from a negative experience — and great job moving on! So many people repeat their mistakes…now you’ll have the chance to make new ones & grow from them, too! Best of luck…
Budj January 23, 2012, 3:13 pm
Is it really bad that I keep reading the title of this with “I’m in love with a stripper” melody in my head??….same amount of syllables.
bittergaymark January 24, 2012, 1:22 am
Well, sounds like you definitely made the right decision… And yeah… I totally called this one way back when. 😉
PS — Yeah, I miss Spaceboy!! He always had my back. 😉