Updates: “Insecure” Responds

updatesIt’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Insecure” (LW2) who was tired of going to social functions with her husband where he would drink too much and “constantly looks for attention from other, mostly much younger, women.” She struggled to figure out why she was feeling so threatened and jealous. “Is it because I’m getting old and insecure?” she wondered. Or is it “that his behavior is maybe affecting my self-esteem?” Her update below (plus a bonus update from another LW).

Thank you, Wendy; Your advice was very much appreciated. To answer a few of your questions: He would stay out late quite often after work, and if I did happen to go out with him on occasion, I would leave well before him but obviously not early enough because I would see some behaviours that I didn’t like. (Oh and he would always Uber or taxi home but would expect a drive in the morning to pick up his car, which I don’t do anymore.)

I think you definitely made a good point about the two of us not spending quality time together. Since my last letter to you, I have been taking time to reflect on my life and what works and doesn’t work for my self-esteem and confidence. I realized one thing – that my husband’s relationship with alcohol and his level of drinking at social functions is out of my control. However, I have made it clear to him that I don’t want to be around him when he drinks like that. So I just don’t attend many social functions with him anymore, and if I do, I am sure to leave before people start drinking heavily. Since doing this, I noticed he has slowed down quite a bit on the drinking and staying out late. The rest is still a work in progress and I will take your advice on working on healthy connections with him and spending quality time together and, of course, the never ending self-care.

But is he still constantly seeking attention from much younger women? Do you ever worry about his behavior when you aren’t at social functions with him? I know everything is a “work in progress,” but when you feel throated and insecure and worried about your husband’s behavior, I am skeptical that simply skipping the social functions does much to assuage your concerns. Good that your husband has slowed down on the drinking though and isn’t staying out as late so often.
And a bonus update from “A Hurt Best Friend” (LW 2) who got very close and affectionate very quickly with a new friend to a point that they seemed like a couple and another friend even called them a lesbian couple. Things went south when the LW felt jealous that her friend started pulling back and posted pictures on social media of herself hanging out with other people when she told the LW she was too busy to text. “I told her I was hurt and I said some awful things that I did not mean because I felt like I was being shunned by her, the one person who used to tell me everything and who would text me all the time. She asked for a break after I said those things to her.” Three months passed and the friend still had not acknowledged the LW’s apologies. She asked: “Am I foolish to remain optimistic that she will talk to me again?” Her update:

My friend is still ignoring me. However, I am in a better place mentally. I have let it go since I cannot control what she thinks of me. I apologized several times, and to me that’s all that matters since I saw I was wrong and told her. I have learned from my mistakes, but the past should be a lesson, not shackles. So I have moved on. I did not follow up with you sooner because after reading the comments from your readers, I did not think I was welcome.

Thanks for your update, and I’m sorry you believed you weren’t welcome to update. We always love hearing from past LWs and are happy when they seem in a better place emotionally.


If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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