It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Long Distance Quandary,” a woman from the East Coast who was in a long distance relationship with a man in Germany and worried about the future of their relationship since neither once seemed interested in moving to be with the other. “I don’t want to go back into the dating pool right now, as that’s a huge step backwards from all the truly great stuff I have going with him,” she wrote, “but I also don’t want to keep moving forward with this if there is no way it could work in the end.” Keep reading to find out the status of their relationship now.
About a week and a half before I was supposed to travel to Europe for thanksgiving, I told my boyfriend that I would possibly have to cancel as my grandfather had gotten very ill. I was a little put-off by the fact that he didn’t seem to take the situation seriously, but my grandfather had been touch and go before, and it’s possible he just did not understand the severity of the situation.
Exactly a week before I was supposed to fly out, it became clear that it would be a bad idea for me to travel that far away at that time and that I instead needed to make new travel arrangements back home to be with my family. Because we had already seriously discussed the (to me, very real) possibility of the trip being canceled via Skype, I went ahead and just sent him an email telling him that I was very sorry, but that I, in fact, did need to cancel my trip. In retrospect I regret that I didn’t call him to tell him, but I knew that he was in meetings all morning and I wanted to let him know before actually going through with the cancellation and possible re-booking of new flights, and I wanted to get that done ASAP. I also regret that I did not spell out more specifically what was going on with my grandfather to make it clear that his time was very, very near.
My boyfriend called me after reading the email and, when I was already holding back tears about both my grandfather and being disappointed about the trip being cancelled, he yelled at me for not caring as much about our relationship as he did (he even said something like, “You know how hard it was for me to take off of work for this!”). I was absolutely shocked, was very short with him, and eventually just hung up on him.
I was still at work, and barely keeping it together, so wrote him a pretty scathing email to blow off some steam, including bringing up the fact that this was perhaps a deal-breaker for me. I just was appalled that he would kick me when I was already down.
He profusely apologized almost immediately, saying he had lost all of his grandparents early in life (so did not quite understand what I was going through), and that he really wished he would have talked to someone else first to get out his disappointment, before calling me angry when I was already upset. He also emphasized again that he could see himself marrying me, etc. I told him I still needed some time and we decided to not to communicate for a week.
During this week, my grandfather passed away, and my family had the emotional drain of that and the funeral. Once he learned that all of this had happened, he was very very apologetic and sympathetic (I still wonder if he simply did not understand the severity of the situation, and just thought I was backing out because I didn’t want to come for some reason).
I was and am no longer angry about his reaction to the cancellation; he really did apologize, and I fully believe that he means it and regretted his reaction and words to me that day. I also was honest, and admitted that I was perhaps so defensive when he accused me of not caring about the relationship as much, because I was deep down afraid it was true (though I could never regret getting to see my grandfather one last time in lieu of the trip).
I’m not sure if it was the loss of my grandfather, or the fact that things obviously got hairy for us due to the fight about the cancellation, but I really very seriously started re-evaluating the relationship.
We tried to work things out for about two weeks. For me, working things out entailed figuring out a plan for the future, if there was to be one. As you also say, an end date is necessary for long distance. This is what we were going to talk about when I went to Europe. He, however, just wanted to go back to “how things were” and wait to have the discussion once I was able to go to Europe to see what it was like there with him. He kept repeating that he didn’t want to have the conversation via Skype. I tried explaining to him that I had already lost a lot of money on the missed trip to Europe, and that I really could not afford to make that trip any time soon.
At the end of the day, I broke up with him because I realized how much I wanted something more (yes with him, or if not, then with someone else). I realized how much I want a genuine relationship. I just could no longer see the point in this indefinitely long distance situation — I would find it great progress to have had an end plan of some kind, most preferably a general date when the distance would be over, even if there was nothing set in stone, but he couldn’t give me that.
I’m still doing my best to move on, and I actually feel prepared to look for and genuinely want a relationship with a future, rather than…however I was running my life before. At the end of it all, my relationship with him was a really good thing for me.
Thank you for the update. I’m sorry about your grandfather, but glad you’ve moving on from a relationship that seemed to be at an emotional dead-end.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at email@example.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
FireStar January 19, 2012, 11:49 am
My condolences on the loss of your grand-dad. I’m glad you got to see him one last time and it sounds like you made the right decision for yourself.
Will.i.am January 19, 2012, 11:51 am
Like someone told me the other day when I was frustrated about my dating woes. It’s all timing and sometimes the time in that relationship has run out and you need to move forward. I’m sorry about your Grandfather too. Like your ex, I lost all my Grandparents, except for one, before I was 6. My last Grandmother passes away July ’09.
Life is hard, but you have to continue to pack up and keep moving forward. It’s a tough pill for me to swallow at times, but there’s no point in living in the past when there’s so much to look forward to in the future.
Addie Pray January 19, 2012, 11:52 am
This update felt very … what’s the word – real? Sincere? I mean, it sounds like you took the time to really understand yourself and what you want. I’m sorry you lost your grandfather. It’s funny how death can really force you to think long and hard about what you want, as cliche as that sounds. I’m not sure if the timing was just a coincidence or if it was the catalyst that forced to you take a deeper look at yourself and your relationship, but regardless, it sounds like you are moving in the right direction for you. Good things will come.
emjay January 19, 2012, 6:29 pm
I totally agree with you. A lot of updates seem to be people “trying to make us see more of the big picture” like why their SO is soooo great, or “it really was just a small misunderstanding” etc. But THIS update really really seem soooo sincere and real. And I too am happy the LW was able to see without the “rose-colored glasses” on. Good luck letter writer, and I am sorry aboutb your grandfather.
rangerchic January 19, 2012, 11:58 am
So sorry to hear about your grandfather and ultimately the end of your relationship. I know some people don’t understand relationships with grandparents. I still have three (and I’m 36) and will be devastated when they pass. I would have made the same decision you did and it sounds like you made the best decision for yourself.
I wish you the best moving forward!
AKchic January 19, 2012, 12:51 pm
I’m sorry about your grandfather. I lost mine March 2007 during my 2nd divorce, and I was devastated. He was my father figure, and my favorite.
Take time for yourself before jumping into dating. You may end up turning guys away that remind you of your grandfather (or accepting them because of it) and the ones you choose won’t be right fits.
honeybeenicki January 19, 2012, 12:55 pm
Thank you for the sincere update. I feel like sometimes updates just tell us what we want to hear or don’t really give a lot of information.
I’m sorry to hear about your grandfather. My mother’s parents both passed away when she was still a teenager (age 12 then 15), so I never met them and I still have my dad’s parents but I lost my great-grandparents when I was in Elementary school and it was really hard for me then (and now). Grandparents are great and you did a good thing by missing this trip to see him. There are a lot of people I know who wouldn’t have given up the trip.
I hope as you get back into the dating world you have success. Timing is EVERYTHING.
amber January 19, 2012, 1:52 pm
It takes a lot to admit that you realized you were angry because deep down you were scared that what he was accusing you of was true. I hope you both are able to find relationships that better fit where you are in life and what you want. I’m also very sorry for the loss of your Grandfather.
caitie_didn't January 19, 2012, 2:53 pm
So sorry for the loss of your grandfather, LW. My grandma died in November. I was away at school and made it to the hospital two hours before she passed. I will always be thankful that I was able to be there with her when it happened and I’m glad you were able to do the same for your grandfather.
You sound like you made a well-thought-out decision and that this was the right thing to do, but if it’s any consolation: it’s probably better that the relationship fell apart when you were in your home country than after you had gone (or moved!) to Germany. Big life events are often catalysts for relationship endings, but usually it just means that the relationship wasn’t built to last in the first place.