It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Looking For More,” the widow who was seeing a widower who just wanted to have sex and be friends (and date other people) while the LW was looking for more. “When I’m with him, he’s very caring and generous, so part of me says why not be happy as long as I know it will never be anything more. The other part of me wonders how did I get to be so stupid and why can’t I just walk away?”
She updated us once before, implying she was going to leave the man who could not stop dating another woman and commit to just her: “This is so hard for me to say goodbye though I know I have to, as it is an awful situation and ultimately I will be the loser. I’m already the loser — the sex buddy. After having a wonderful husband, how did I get here? How do I do this?”
Keep reading to see whether she did actually break up with the playboy widower.
Ok, but I’m worried about you. In your previous letters — both the original one and the update, you refer to yourself as “stupid” and “a loser” because you are this guy’s “sex buddy.” I don’t see what has changed except that the other woman left him (he didn’t even choose to leave her). You admit that he will likely eventually meet someone else when you aren’t around, so you are basically enjoying being his back-up until that happens. I mean, it’s great that you enjoy his company and are a youthful 80 with desire and love to share… but I can’t help but think you’re selling yourself short.
In your last update, you asked how you got here, after having a loving and committed husband — with “here” meaning attached to someone who isn’t interested in committing to you or even making you the number one woman in his life. You’re still at that place, and you’re there because you’re allowing and enabling it. Maybe you have made peace with that, but if there’s a part of you that is still sad or still feels stupid or like a loser, I hope you will consider cutting this guy out of your life and saving your company for someone who makes you feel like you matter most of all.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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