Updates: “Looking for the Real Deal” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Looking for the Real Deal” a woman who was falling for a man she men on Match who, after two marriages, had decided he was not interested in an exclusive, monogamous relationship again. She knew she didn’t want to date anyone else and was confused about whether such an arrangement would work for her in the long-run. Keep reading to see where things stand now.

We are at the eleven-month mark now and what seems to be happening is monogamy by default. I was open to his needs, he has been sensitive to my insecurities, and without a lot of fanfare we are becoming a bonded, loving couple. We had loving experiences through the holidays, and he continues to be supportive, kind, and accountable and does not appear to be dating anyone else, at least for the time being. The door is open for him to make his choices and for me to respond as I will. We are learning from each other, and I feel the strong desire to continue to grow this special love. He has never done anything to hurt me and cherishes our special love. He recognizes that I am open, considerate, and really happy to be with him. We share mutual respect and a strong physical connection.

I do not know what this will look like in six months or another year, but I am feeling more self-confident and less anxious as we spend more time getting to know each other. It is a beautiful love for which I am thankful every day.

Thanks for the update. Glad to hear you’re happy. I would be curious to know how you’d respond if/when your boyfriend started seeing someone else, per the arrangement of your open-ish relationship. Has anyone else been in a similar position as the LW, where you weren’t interested in dating anyone else but kept your relationship open to appease your partner’s needs? How did that work?


If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].


  1. So…the lw decided to keep going with the “head in the sand” option?

    1. lets_be_honest says:

      Yea, I feel like she is setting herself up for heartbreak.

      1. But it’s a special love lbh… A beautiful love 😉

      2. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:


      3. I can’t believe that barf is beating special love by 2 votes.

    2. Maybe that is what makes her love special…she keeps hoping it will be enough and he already knows it won’t.

  2. Hope that plan works out…. but I, for one, can do without the phrase “our special love”.

    1. lets_be_honest says:

      You’re just jealous.

      1. Iwannatalktosampson says:


    2. …especially when it is used repeatedly in the same paragraph.

      1. Yeah, I cringed at that as well. It’s almost prayer-like? I’m “hearing” in my mind as this lilting incantation… 😐

      2. TheGirlinME says:

        OMG! I’m so glad you guys said something about the “special love” foolishness. I kinda gagged a little, but wondered if it was just me 🙂

      3. Damn ya’ll are bitches.

      4. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        And you’re a real gem.

      5. lets_be_honest says:

        Have you even offered one bit of advice or even a comment to the LW? Or are you just here to be a mean girl?

    3. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

      It’s to differentiate between her love and all the unremarkable love the rest of youz guyz have.

    4. Yes, let’s all agree to ban “hubby” and “a special love” from our collective vocabulary. 🙂

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        Can’t. Pretty much the only reason I’m willing to get married is to refer to my Hubby on here all day long. What can I say? We have a special love.

      2. I’m silently laughing so hard at my desk right now 🙂

  3. Eh, I don’t know about this…

    In the original letter the LW said, ” I have said that I do not want to know about others that he might be seeing”. LW– YOU TOLD HIM NOT TO TELL YOU. You do realize that, right? So what you think has become Monogamy by default, really could be anything.

    1. 6napkinburger says:

      I think the key to this is communication. You can have your head in the sand, but still get a tap on the shoulder. Make sure you are both on the same page about what is going on and if/when he goes out with/sleeps with/etc. someone else, you know that SOMETHING is going on. so there is no confusion about monogamy by default.

      This brings to mind (but isn’t identical) after I had broken up with my BF but we were still living together for about a month and a half. During that time, we talked about how we were “broken up”, not together, etc, but we still slept in the same bed and slept together. (In fact, more so than before, because we were like squirrels saving up for a long winter). But even though we were “broken up” and not together, we discussed the fact that during that period, it was just us or you had to say something. (meaning, assumption was that no dating others, no fooling around with others unless you hear otherwise). We had such an amicable split and we wanted to keep it that way. I think something similar applies here.

      1. 6napkinburger says:

        Note: it was an EXPRESSED assumption, with a conversation that went something along the lines of “unless one of us tells the other otherwise, neither of us is going on dates, kissing, sleeping with, anything with anyone else, right?” “right, you are correct and I want that too.” Not an assumed assumption, which is incredibly dangerous.

  4. It ended badly. Very badly. The funny thing is, he was a friend first and I still respect him. But I will never, ever put myself in that situation again. Ever. And if I do, I want my therapist to commit me and my friends to kick me.

    1. 6napkinburger says:

      what, what? Are you the LW and it ended badly?

      1. No. Wendy asked if anyone has been through something similar. I had. It didn’t end well, or in my favor. Shocking!

  5. I don’t know how I feel about this one. I’m glad the LW is happy, but that happiness sounds pretty precarious to me. I’m not sure how she’s going to feel about their special love if her BF decides he does want to date someone else. It seems like she’s really counting on her love being enough for him and is ignoring that “the door is open” for her BF to date someone else and hasn’t really thought about what she will do if that happens, which it probably at some point will.

  6. Iwannatalktosampson says:

    This update makes me smile in a really sick kind of way.

    1. That’s because you are a little evil.

  7. If you’re happy, cool. But personally, I wouldn’t believe that someone who originally wanted to pursue an open relationship is now settling seamlessly into a monogamous life? Maybe he is really involved at this stage, to the point of being unable to see anyone else, but I’d be a little wary if I were this LW.

    On the other hand, maybe he’s the kind of person who just likes the ~idea~ of being free to date/sleep with others, & won’t actually do it? I don’t know. I’m confused.

  8. kerrycontrary says:

    I was just really skeeved out but the LW’s original LW. How her manfriend talked about his exes and his past. I still don’t get a better feeling about it.

    1. kerrycontrary says:

      *LW’s original letter. I have a migraine today and can’t think 🙁

  9. Sophronisba says:

    Well, this is one way to live in the now and not presuming or assuming what tomorrow will bring!

  10. Can I just say that I’m loving all these updates!!
    LWs- Keep sending them!!

  11. The LW needs to decide what she really wants. If its the guy, then buckle up and figure out how she’ll deal with having other women in his life. If she really wants monogamy, ask if he’s decided that’s what he wants too. If not, move on sooner than later.

  12. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

    Oh for fuck sake, reading over the original comments I see that that date, Nov. 15, 2012, is the date I lost a condom up in me and had to go see my doctor to remove it. I swear I need to stop treating the DW comment sections as my own personal diary.

    Also, I just ate a meatball sandwich and feel like a meatball.

    1. kerrycontrary says:

      I don’t think that I eat meatball sandwiches nearly enough. They are awesome.

    2. Avatar photo Astronomer says:

      Hahaha, it’s okay. That’s happened to me, minus the doctor part. I’m the idiot who thought maybe it fell out somewhere and got lost, only to “discover” it three days later.

      1. Grilledcheesecalliope says:

        This is a disgusting question, but I can’t help myself. Did you discover the condom because of a weird smell. Im asking because it always seems like stuff that gets lost up there is discovered due to a weird smell.

      2. 6napkinburger says:

        there is seriously more than one Grilled Cheese named-commenter? That just blew my mind!

      3. What other stuff are you losing up there ???

      4. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:


      5. Grilledcheesecalliope says:

        Nothing, oh god now everyone will think my Vagina is cavernous or something. I just am always hearing about someone’s sister or whatever who lost a tampon/condom up there and would never have known except for the weird smell.

      6. painted_lady says:

        Oh, I thought you were speaking from personal experience. I had this image of something like Mary Poppins’ bag.

      7. Grilledcheesecalliope says:

        Nope I use my bra for that:-)

      8. painted_lady says:


      9. Sure… NOW it’s someone’s sister. Or whatever. 🙂

      10. I HAVE A STORY.

      11. Avatar photo Astronomer says:

        Please tell! I feel like a giant internet TMI monster lately.

      12. painted_lady says:


      13. OK OK, well since you asked…. 😉

        (You guys know I always have sex-related stories, either personal ones, or stuff I’ve learned from work).

        Anyway, this is a story that has been passed down through the generations of STD clinic workers, it would seem. I was not yet working in the clinic when this happened, but many of my former co-workers were, and this one is like a legend.

        There was a working girl (this was when I was in Vegas – but I’m not talking about a legal prostitute) who got her period and wanted to keep working, so she decided to stick a car sponge up her hoo-ha. Now this story has been passed down so I’m sure it has been exaggerated, but I have been told that she somehow inserted an ENTIRE car sponge…. and then she forgot about it. For a month or so.

        She went into the STD clinic because she couldn’t get it out. It took a team of nurses working on her, and they had to extract it piece by piece. Now she had it in for a MONTH while she was having her period AND working – so there were a lot of fluids built up in there. Cum, period blood, vaginal fluids, who knows what else. And apparently they let loose a flood of nasty when they got it out, and the clinic had to be shut down for the rest of the day because the smell was so disgusting and over-powering.

        Or so the story goes.

      14. painted_lady says:

        No judgement here, but you’re not treating it like a purse, right? 😉

        Also, I am so kidding.

      15. Avatar photo Astronomer says:

        No…there was no weird smell. I felt it kind of move up in there when I was going to the bathroom. So I rooted around and eventually caught the edge and pulled it out. Oh god, did it smell terrible after it came out, though. It was one of those low points in my life where I was so totally mortified, I wanted to call someone to come over and put me out of your misery. Strangely, I never got an infection.

      16. Avatar photo Astronomer says:

        *my misery, sheesh.

  13. BriarRose says:

    “Mutual respect” and “does not appear to be dating anyone else, at least for the time being” really doesn’t match up for me. If an open relationship works for both parties, then great. It wouldn’t make me happy, nor the LW, so I’m terribly confused at the LW claiming there is mutual respect, because there really doesn’t seem to be.

  14. Avatar photo bittergaymark says:

    Monogamy by default ISN’T monogamy — it’s simply your boyfriend striking out. You need to seriously think about how you will feel about things WHEN he starts sleeping with somebody else, not IF. You have agreed to an “open” relationships, and frankly, I am all for open relationships — but it worries me that you are not… Remember what YOU agreed to here, and don’t be overly surprised when he thus holds you to that agreement…

    PS: The phrase “special love” can only refer to that between two men. Sorry to break it to everybody, LW, Ladies everywhere — but that is part of the “special rights” package that the homophobic right is constantly railing against with regards to gay equality… We did demand to trademark the phrase “special love.”

  15. With friends like you people, who needs enemies, or depression! I agree with one of the folks above, you’re jealous and your biting cynical “wit” is rude and I’m very glad I don’t know any of you. Mean girls indeed.

    1. What are you even talking about?!

      1. The schmucks above ragging on her word choices in her update response, plus the majority of the commenters on this article. Ya’ll are friggin Mean.

      2. Imsostartled says:

        Methinks you are being very hypocritical when saying some of regular DW commenters are being mean and then going ahead and saying that they are “bitches” and “schmucks”. Oh and I’m ~100% positive that when LBH said “You’re just jealous” she was being sarcastic.

        If you don’t think it’s nice to criticize the LW’s word choice, say so, but calling people “bitches” doesn’t help and actually invalidates your original argument.

      3. lets_be_honest says:

        I didn’t even catch that. Yes, I was being sarcastic.

      4. The fact is, people making bad choices have a sort of dictionary of catch phrases that they use (imagine talking to a teenage girl in a bad relationship: you will hear EVERY catch phrase in the book). “Our special love” struck that nerve with a lot of the people on here. It’s not the most notorious one, but I see their point.

    2. My theory on you, miss Rachel:

      1) You are a troll. Clever in the sense that you’d manage to irritate a large number of people on here because they do actually care, not so clever in the sense that you’re only doing it by calling names and flinging insults.

      2) You are the LW. You are extremely defensive, but not offering anything helpful to the LW. If you cared so much (unlike the many, many meanies taking up the rest of this comment section) you would have provided the LW feedback.

      3) You’re in a similar situation to the LW and want her to be supported and told that she’s doing the right thing, in an effort to feel better about your own decisions.

      My money is on #2. Anyone else feel similarly?

      1. I vote #3!

      2. The only times she comments are when it has to do with non-monogamy.

  16. And I’d bet 5 bucks this woman has just as much a chance if not more of her relationship being every bit as long as any of yours. Nothing lasts forever folks, monogamous or not. It’s amazing how pissed off and uncomfortable closed-minded people get when something isn’t labeled in the way you instantly recognize and understand.

    1. I could give 2 shits if someone is monogamous or not. The problem here is that the LW wants monogamy, her BF doesn’t, and she’s in denial that they are monogamous, just because things have “worked out” for a few months. When the two people in a relationship clearly want different things, it’s not going to work in the long term. It’s really not that hard to figure out.

      1. Well, they’re still together, who knows what will happen.

        And, considering they Are still together, apparently monogamy isn’t that important to her after all. Suer he could be screwing other women on the side and not telling her, but assuming he’s not, the naysayers lose.

      2. Nobody is shitting on the connection the LW feels to this man—most are just skeptical. And NOT because the relationship “isn’t labeled in the way [we] instantly recognize and understand.” It’s just that the original problem (he wanted something poly; she was clearly not cool with that) doesn’t seem to have been solved?

        If she’s happy & everything goes smoothly—that’s awesome. But voicing words of warning that her bliss may not last is hardly being close-minded.

      3. Avatar photo BriarRose says:

        Exactly. The LW and her partner are not on the same page, and she thinks they are. If commenters want to take time out of their day to try to point this out and possibly force her to do a little introspection and save herself from heartache, that seems like they are making an effort to help a complete stranger, not being mean. And “special love” is amusing, especially coming from someone who is not 14.

      4. Avatar photo BriarRose says:

        Exactly to Bethany, that is.

    2. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

      The problem isn’t monogomy or not- it’s that this LW is living with her head in the sand! She says clearly she wants monogamy, her BF says he clearly does not want monogamy…so they have agreed to not talk about it?? Great, mature solution that will definitely lead to a long standing healthy relationship.

      1. See my last comment. Apparently it’s Not actually so important to her, they’re still together! If it was that big a deal to her, she would have split by now. She hasn’t.

      2. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        “monogamy by default” is what she actually says…which, in my opinion, either a- the guy hasn’t told her about other women (because she asked him not to) or b- he hasn’t had a good offer since they started dating. Being monogamous by default, or even better, being monogamous because you’ve chosen not to be told about your partners other lovers does not mean it’s no longer a big deal or a core value. It means your fooling yourself into beleiving something that so clearly isn’t true.

      3. wait… to be fair…

        Sometimes, we think something is REALLY IMPORTANT.

        Because hey, everyone else wants (a ring, a house, a baby, a husband… MONOGAMY)…

        and then we decide to just enjoy our relationship and see what happens. I’ve done this before and enjoyed it (this is how i learned to date instead of have serial junior marriages). Maybe this is what LW is doing?

        My sole issue is that LW is ASSUMING her man is “default” monogamous. Bitch please. If she was assuming he was sexing up every woman he sees, this would make way more sense and be more acceptable.

    3. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

      1. It’s funny (odd, not haha) that you call everyone a “mean girl” – and “jealous” and “rude” and “closed-minded,” when you only seem to write in to poop on everybody and you have offered zero help, constructive or otherwise, to the letter writers.

      2. Longevity is not the goal, imho. I know people who have “lasted” for YEARS in shitty, unfulfilled relationships. They do not win.

      3. The LW wrote in asking how to handle an open relationship when she wants a closed one…. and she’s decided to go with the “head-in-the sand” approach, the best approach ever, said exactly no one, except, apparently, Rachel.

      1. Addie, you’re a bitch. Own it.

      2. Avatar photo theattack says:

        Whoa whoa whoa!!! Super uncalled for. Also, you can’t really call other people mean while you’re calling someone names. It just doesn’t really add up.

      3. Avatar photo BriarRose says:

        What the what? Now who is being friggin mean?

      4. lets_be_honest says:

        I love what the what

      5. Could you please take your hater behavior elsewhere? Besides, we have already reached our quotas for Rachels on DW, so please MOA, Hater-Rachel.

      6. painted_lady says:

        Yup. Scientist Rachel with the adorable dog wins the battle of the Rachels.

        Look, Rachel, do you normally get a lot of success in making your point by calling people names? If that works, right on, but I’m not sure that’s going to win you a lot of friends here. And if you’re not trying to make friends, fine, but then you can’t complain about how mean everyone is. AP is like dead last on the list to be a mean girl. And if you’re just trying to stir up trouble, maybe go someplace else.

        I honestly liked some of the points you made, and I think there’s always room for “Hey, guys, you’re getting mean,” but the surest way to get someone to shut the hell down is to call them a nasty name.

      7. I like this response, a lot. So pointed, but level. And I agree.

      8. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        That is a brilliant come back. I really see the error of my ways now. Also, confess: you liked your own comment, didn’t you?

      9. Avatar photo BriarRose says:

        Addie, I confess: I liked your comment. ALL of them.

      10. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        And I liked yours! 😉

      11. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        BriarRose, you forgot to like this one —–>

      12. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        and this one —–>

      13. Avatar photo BriarRose says:

        Dang, I can’t keep up!!

      14. WatersEdge says:

        BriarRose, I like you!

      15. Avatar photo BriarRose says:

        WatersEdge, I can’t reply to you for some reason, but I sure do like you too!

      16. It was rather brilliant wasn’t it. Now stop being such a bitch.

        And I don’t believe calling someone out for being said bitch is an example of me being mean. I’m just calling out an obvious mean girl. Deal with it.

      17. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        You can call me a bitch, it’s ok. But I am just wondering: how/why was I being bitchy? I want to know. Like, I could just call you a bitch too but that would be boring. So instead I’ll say you call people names and you offer nothing of substance. Ok, your turn, go.

      18. lets_be_honest says:


      19. lets_be_honest says:

        So since your back on for this thread, I have to ask…what exactly did Addie say that was bitchy?

      20. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        Apparently if you ask for a substantive discussion, she can’t answer. Maybe we should just fling colorful insults her way? RACHEL, YOU ARE A STUPID POOPY HEAD! Meh, that’s the best I could do.

      21. lets_be_honest says:

        Is it possible Rachel is the lw?

      22. Me too

      23. But if it was, wouldn’t Wendy know somehow? With her secret IP address knowledge 😉

      24. No, it’s not the same person.

      25. landygirl says:

        You first.

      26. I have to confess too: I accidentally liked one of her comments further up. I was trying to reply and then clicked the wrong thing. Then I spent so long trying to figure out how to take it back that I forgot what I was going to say. So, then I just ran around liking a bunch of yours to atone.

      27. lets_be_honest says:

        to atone. LOL!

      28. Avatar photo Imsostartled says:

        I was like who besides Rachel liked that comment!!! haha mystery solved.

      29. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        Huh? You call us all mean for teasing about cutesty language and then you start name calling? Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

      30. 6napkinburger says:


      31. Avatar photo theattack says:

        Wait, are you kidding or serious?

      32. 6napkinburger says:


      33. Avatar photo theattack says:

        Oh thank goodness. I was worried we were going to have two heated arguments in one small area, and I just couldn’t handle that level of excitement. haha

      34. 6napkinburger says:

        Come on! You know I only raise my hackles when someone talks about presents on an invitation!

      35. It’s acceptable, right? I kid, I kid.

      36. Avatar photo theattack says:

        Of course it’s acceptable! I just sent out my invitations, and not only did I put the registries on the invitation itself, I also requested everyone to send in a check with their RSVP. Now I’m looking forward to rolling in the dough!

        Just kidding. This whole Rachel thing has me up in a riot of laughter and sarcasm

      37. Avatar photo Imsostartled says:

        You guys crack me up. Trying not to smile and laugh. I’m regretting my decision in facing my desk towards the doorway…. must type with straight face.

      38. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        I have no idea what’s going on but today is awesome. I can’t wait for the swarm of Addie Pray groupies to come out of hiding.

      39. 6napkinburger says:

        It just seemed to go well with this little section down here!

      40. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        imma go with kidding. 😉

      41. 6napkinburger says:

        For reals reals. Totes amazeballs.

      42. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I totally just googled to make sure you were joking because I would have been so mortified if I had made a racist joke I didn’t even know was racist! According to wikipedia you’re just being a butthead 😉

      43. 6napkinburger says:

        RE: “According to wikipedia you’re just being a butthead”
        Best sentence ever and I will use it every chance I get from now on.

      44. I love that you admitted to googling that!!

      45. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I was legit worried!! Sometimes I say all kinds of things that I have no idea have bad undertones. It’s like I grew up under a rock or something! Last thing I need is DW coming after me for not knowing what I’m talking about rather than going after the real bad people!

      46. Avatar photo theattack says:

        haha, The real bad people, like AddiePray! We all know she’s the absolute worst.

      47. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        Mwahahahahaha (<— evil laugh!)

      48. Imsostartled says:

        I have this uncontrollable urge to say something……..

        “NO-BODY puts Addie in a corner!”

        ok, not perfect but no one calls OUR Addie a bitch!

        En Gaurd Rachel!

      49. Avatar photo Imsostartled says:

        Nobody puts Addie in a corner! (aka no body calls our Addie a bitch)

        En Gaurd Rachel!

      50. Avatar photo Imsostartled says:

        Woops thought the first one didn’t go through.

      51. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        But it was such a good comment, it needed to be posted twice!! 😉

      52. The bitchy Rachel character has been banned from commenting now. I think I banned her once before, but maybe not, and if I did, she must have found a new IP address to comment from. She’s a troll and not welcome here. Good-bye, troll!

      53. Avatar photo theattack says:

        I thought I remembered you saying you banned her before.

        I can’t understand why anyone would go through so much trouble to start conversations with people they hate, but whatever.

      54. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        Aw is it weird that I’m a little sad you’re so on top of things today? We could have had fun with her for hours.

      55. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I concure. I was hoping for some cray cray to spice up my afternoon! Reading about multi-state sales tax laws was boring.

      56. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        I know, can’t Wendy take a nap from time to time or somefin?

      57. If you call AP a bitch, you get banned FAST.

      58. lets_be_honest says:

        Do you feel powerful addie?

      59. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        I do. I feel like a benevolent dictator. My people, I love you! Thank you for your support – and for atoning by liking my comments (^5 Lindsay). 😉

      60. I’m kind of with you, haha. It was about to get real exciting for a second!

      61. Well, maybe I will publish her comments on this thread and then go back to banning her. What else you got for us, Troll Rachel?

      62. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        Hey, remember that one time Bitchy Rachel called everyone names, and moi a bitch, and we all united together and said no and then she was banned and the world was right again?

      63. Yeah, I have a vague memory of her saying something…uh, off? once before. And I’m with whoever said it down below—we already have a Rachel here 🙂

      64. But it was super amusing!

      65. Avatar photo bittergaymark says:

        Being that I am always the devil’s advocate, in Rachel’s defense, if I had that hair…

        Wait? Was that too bitchy!

      66. Oh my god, I about spit out my coffee.

      67. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        Now see even I refused to let myself go there, and I’m the bitch! (This is me owning it, Rachel)

      68. Haha, did I catch another Heathers reference?

      69. Avatar photo bittergaymark says:

        CatsMeow, yes, I now believe it was… Although it truly wasn’t intentional. That flick is simply BURNED into my subconscious. In fact, I had to stare at my post for a second before I heard that last line in the pitch perfect delivery of the movie… Although, I think my wording is slightly off. In the flick, I think it’s “Wait. Did that sound bitchy?” And it’s said by the meekest of the Heathers… 😉

      70. You’re right, it was ever so slightly off. I think I have most of that movie burned into my memory as well…

      71. The yellow heather 😉 and be nice bgm or no one at Westerberg will let you play their reindeer games!!!

        I have a screenplay with 4 heathers in it… One of the early drafts. It’s pretty good times.

      72. Bittergaymark says:

        What? I have shooting script… Four Heathers? Fascinating…

      73. <3

      74. I say if you call Addie a bitch, you get banned.

      75. Avatar photo BriarRose says:

        #2 is so completely true. Very wise, AP.

      76. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        Haha awesome AP. I will pass off my bitchcrown awarded to me last week to you, with honor. Get it girl.

        Also I cosign all 3 of your points especially number 2.

      77. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        I was overdue, wasn’t i?

      78. lets_be_honest says:

        Its kind of weird you got called a bitch. Out of all the commenters on this thread and every other one, I never would’ve thought someone would call you that. You didn’t even say anything that could be construed as bitchy.

      79. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        I know, right?! I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: I’m a fucking delight! Except I did disagree with Bitchy Rachel’s comments on yesteday’s post. I guess having AP disagree with her just sort of pushed her over the edge. …. Tra la la tee da.

      80. You’re about as much of a delight as swallowing barbed wire.

        I’m just going to talk smack so I feel like I’m part of the group.

      81. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        *gasp* – I can’t handle TWO fights in one day. I’m a pacifist.

      82. I can’t handle any. AP, please accept my sincerest apologies.

      83. Avatar photo sobriquet says:

        YES about longevity! I was just talking about this the other day. So many people think they are so much “better” for staying in shitty marriages for years and years and look down on people who have divorced. I say, who’s the real winner? I also think any relationship that helped you grow as a person was successful in its own right, which is why I would never call relationships I had at ages 19 and 20 “failures”. Success does not have to equal forever.

      84. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

        YES! I totally agree. Truer words have never been spoken. Although religious people do believe they get a crown at the end of their lives for never being divorced. But I’d take a divorce over a miserable life any day.

      85. lets_be_honest says:

        Wait? Does this mean I’m not actually getting a crown? fml

      86. You had a child out of wedlock– No Crown for you! 🙂

      87. lets_be_honest says:

        I’m highly insulted.
        Was I not clear about the immaculate conception part of getting pregnant?

      88. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        haha, you make me laugh!

      89. lets_be_honest says:

        That’s a real honor coming from the HBIC!

      90. So now you’re saying that the “real” Jesus wasn’t the ture Savior?!?! NO CROWN FOR YOU!
        🙂 jk
        Speaking of JK- Where the F is she?!

      91. lets_be_honest says:

        Totally read that in the soup nazi voice.

        Shes been mia for a while now. Maybe busy house building?

      92. Ha, LBH, that’s what I threaten my parents with when they verbally side-eye me about how much they want grandkids – “Good thing for you I’m not getting laid these days, any forthcoming grandbaby’s gonna be the second coming of Christ!”

  17. I hope things are actually this rosy for the LW. But I am very wary of someone who gets this philosophical and sanguine about their relationship. It’s really easy to get swept up in this idea that your love is so special and organic that everyday couple problems don’t apply to you, but in the end, the usually still do.

    1. I really like the way you worded that. I never have understood that mindset that the love you experience is sooooo special compared to every one else’s love. True, it makes you feel special, and everyone is going to experience it a little differently, as no circumstances/people will do things exactly the same way… but it just seems silly when people get so stubborn and stuck in the “You wouldn’t understand, our love is SPECIAL.” mindset.

      Cool thing about love is that anyone can have a shot at it, and we can all do it in our own unique ways. It may make us feel special, but it doesn’t mean anyone else’s love is inferior.

      1. painted_lady says:

        Love questionnaire:

        – Do you get butterflies?
        – Do you think everything he says is sooooo deep/adorable/hilarious?
        – Do you talk about him wayyyyy too much?
        – Do you want to jump his bones frequently?

        Congratulations. Your love is not special. It works just like everyone else’s. Nice try.

        (Also, I realize not all these things are universal, I just wanted to be a smartass because it’s running rampant today)

  18. LW I was in a similar situation…I was dating this guy and he had just gotten out of a long term relationship…he told me after a few dates that he didn’t want a relationship but wanted to continue seeing me…I told him I wasn’t interested in that type of relationship, we would argue and then a few days later make up and go out again…this went on for several years!…then when it was time for us to pick a grad school he explained that he had chosen one in the US (we are from Canada) and I pretty much thought we were done so I let it go and stopped seeing him…as soon as I did that he asked me to be in a relationship with him and go to the same university and live together…once down there and once we started living together is when things imploded, i realized i didn’t love him anymore after years of trying to get him to be in a relationship with me…we ended up breaking up…it was crazy, after years of rejection he told me he thought I was his “soul mate”!…i guess the moral of my story is sometimes you get what you wish for and once you get it you realize you really didn’t want it all along

    1. lets_be_honest says:

      ealized i didn’t love him anymore after years of trying to get him to be in a relationship with me

      Haven’t we all been there? Its a weird thing.

  19. Avatar photo sobriquet says:

    Maybe he’s cool with being monogamous right now- now that your relationship has deepened and the sex is still exciting. That’s the best part of any relationship. But what do you think will happen in, say, 3 years from now? Do you think things might have cooled down and he might be looking for something new?

    This whole situation just skeeeeves me out. I’m all for open relationships as long as both parties are for them… but you’re not, LW! So what your boyfriend is doing is taking advantage of your insecurity in losing him. There is no such thing as monogamy by default. Monogamy is hard and it’s something that a lot of people have to actively work on. He’s got the best of both world’s, LW. The amazing perks of your relationship and whatever hot sex he wants on the side. I hope you talk to him and evaluate what you really want- not what you can simply put up with.

    1. So true. I was in a similar situation as the LW, though it didn’t last as long, and everything was AMAZING when he wasn’t seeing anyone. Not that he ever started, but I realized that what I liked so much about it was that it was JUST LIKE we were a monogamous couple. Except we weren’t.

  20. Damnit, I have one, 10-minute phone call an hilarity ensues. Work makes me miss out on everything.

    1. lets_be_honest says:

      What’s more important ktfran? Work or dw? Its ultimatum time bitch!

      1. DW! DW! Why do you have to be such a skank?

        There, that’s me being a bitch.

      2. lets_be_honest says:

        And surprise, surprise, you’ve now given me a chance to talk about my kid, again.
        Driving in the car one day, Lil Suzy says from the backseat that she feels bad for all the skanks. No one likes them because they smell bad. I had no idea who she’d been spending too much time with to learn that word, then I realized she meant skUnks.

      3. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        Hahahaha. Love it.

      4. I’m cracking up at my desk. That’s effing awesome. I mean. Awesome. I totally wish she were talking about skanks.

      5. Scratch that. I’m going to pretend she was talking about skanks.

      6. Grilledcheesecalliope says:

        Soo funny, your kid sounds so nice I bet she’d feel bad for skanks too.

  21. If this guy was a decade or two younger, with a few less kids, I would swear that it was a friend of mine writing this letter.

    Things I’ve learned from her relationships: When you’re the type of person who feels the need to constantly express how “special” your relationship is, or how you’re “different” from all the girls in the past (you know, so you can save him and he will love you and be happy with just you forever and ever, even though he’s stated he didn’t want monogamy), or frequently tell everyone why he/the relationship is “worth it,” you have a serious problem.

    That problem is often that he is telling you flat out what he wants, it does not line up with what you want, so you’re intentionally shoving your fingers in your ears screaming, “LA, LA, LA, LA, I’M NOT LISTENING, YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!”

    Guess what: these things break down eventually. Then you’re left feeling used, bitter, and at the same time like a failure. In your mind you’ll feel like he used you to get what he wanted, while not letting you have what you want (monogamy). You’ll feel bitter about that. You’ll also be a failure in your own mind, because you were so sure you could create what you wanted, what you decided he needed (which of course, is not what he said he needed OR wanted), because you and your relationship were so “special” and “different” from the past. But you won’t rescue him in any sense, because he’s cool with what he’s got. He doesn’t have a problem with that, you do.

    As for Wendy’s question: I haven’t done this, but I’ve watched it unfold like a bad car crash in slow motion a few times now. A friend gets slightly obsessed when she dates, and refuses to believe anything that she doesn’t want to believe. Red flags get ignored. Dating continues until the guy ends things, and then my friend cannot cope well, because she always thought she was doing what was best for him. She doesn’t believe the words these guys say, instead assuming that those things are just symptoms of a deeper problem that she can somehow fix. Eventually, along comes the next guy who can “save” her from her feelings of dispair, a guy who isn’t emotionally available because she’s still hung up on he previous ex and claims she doesn’t want a relationship. Cycle repeats.

    1. WAS! You should comment more!

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        For real!

      2. Thank you, you’re sweet. 🙂

      3. Aww, you give me warm fuzzies! The only problem is every time I comment people have to read the novel I’ve written. I’m incapable of being succinct.

  22. landygirl says:

    Good luck LW, you’ll need it.

  23. It’s not monogamy if you’ve agreed to have an open relationship, not even “monogamy by default” (which I thought meant that many people choose monogamy without much thought because it’s the societal norm, not “currently not involved with a third party”). I don’t think you have discussed enough what your arrangement will look like. It’s not even entirely clear to me whether you have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” rule in place – if you did, how would you know he’s not seeing anyone else? But on the other hand, you’ve agreed to it previously, so it seems that this rule is in place. It is REALLY important to clarify the terms of an open relationship. There are of course people who like to keep their outside activities in the dark, and if you were partnered with one of those, you could do the “head in the sand” approach, i.e. pretend-monogamy. But you can’t since your boyfriend has been open about not wanting monogamy. This is a clear “When people tell you who they are, believe them” case. He would not have told you that if he weren’t serious.

  24. LuckySeven says:

    Wow. So I am commenting ten minutes later after reading the whole scuffle today. Nobody calls Addie Pray a bitch! Especially when commenting about how other people are being too mean….

    But LW, I have seen a lot of women on my mom’s side go down this road, and it is not pretty. Basically a lot of my relatives (aunts, cousins, my mom) believe that an attractive man is not capable of monogamy. I have seen marriages in which my female cousin/ aunt will believe that they are monogamous but conveniently overlooks the several trips that her husband makes to their home country and honestly says that he frequents brothels. I don’t think it’s pretty. Those relatives who really value monogamy and then try to say that they are fine with this “open relationship,” really aren’t fine. They eventually get divorced or become so consumed with insecurity, rage, etc. that they are not the same happy person as they were maybe five to fifteen years ago.

    My first love cheated on me, and because of my family, I really believed that I would have to settle for “monogamy,” where I could expect my man to cheat on me. However, I want to reassure you that you don’t have to settle. There are so many good men I have met, and my current boyfriend now, who have no desire to stray out of a relationship. If I had stayed and believed this is the best that this could be, I would never have been able to find my man, who is better than what I could have imagined was out there : ).

  25. Um. I’m just gonna say in my experience this means this man is having lots of sex with other women behind her back. And that’s fine if she is cool with that (some people are fine with BE DISCREET DAMNITT!) but.. please…

    a man who says he is not into monogamy cannot until he makes a substantiative declaration otherwise be considered monogamous.

  26. Wow, look what I missed today! And so it shall be written in the Chronicles of DW…about the Troll Invasion and subsequent war of 2013. And the special love. 😉 Why did all the hilarity ensue while I was sleeping?! Oh, right. Because my job makes me sleep all day and come to work at night.

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