It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Lost My LDR” who was suspicious that his long distance girlfriend was spending so much time with a man 30 years her senior whom she said wasn’t romantically interested in her. “Am I being defensive or unreasonable if I ask that she doesn’t spend all her free time with this random guy?” Keep reading to see where things stand now over a year later.
You won’t believe how it ended, haha. So, I bought a ticket to go see her in Los Angeles, try and work it out (my stubborn heart wouldn’t let it go). She was excited, but distant, and I was naive. I kept noticing that she would disappear for long periods and not call me. Two days before I was going to fly out and see her, I finally had to ask. Turns out, she had been sleeping with this guy (who was older than her dad) for a month.
I was completely frozen for a day — didn’t know what to do. Like an idiot, I decided to fly out there anyway, since I had already spent the money. I flew out, for some strange reason thought there was something left to salvage, and found out quickly that she had permanently damaged us. After four days of pain, I left her and went to stay with my friend. I bought a ticket to fly back sooner, didn’t say goodbye, and that was the last I saw of her.
Moral of the story: MOA, just like you said, Wendy. I learned a ton from that one. Thanks so much for your advice. Wish I had heeded it. I would have saved myself putting my heart through a blender and the $500 I spent on the plane ticket.
Thanks for the update. Hopefully you have moved on to bigger and better things…
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Addie Pray December 6, 2012, 1:08 pm
Aw, I like this LW! I hope no one puts your heart in a blender again. Ouch.
MaterialsGirl December 6, 2012, 1:12 pm
Rendezvous than I’m through with you. Anyone?
Amanda December 6, 2012, 1:22 pm
I thought the same thing! Now that song is in my head!
EB December 6, 2012, 1:13 pm
“You won’t believe how it ended…”
Umm yeah I think we will, since basically everyone else saw this coming and tried to warn you (including your ex-girlfriend who flat out told you she did NOT want to be in a relationship with you…how shocking to learn that she actually did NOT want to be in a relationship with you!?!).
Seriously, this is not rocket science people.
iwannatalktosampson December 6, 2012, 1:15 pm
Well now you’re just pouring salt in the wound. He gets it.
EB December 6, 2012, 1:28 pm
Does he? He is saying “she had permanently damaged us”. There was no “us”, in the first letter the girl made it clear that she didn’t want a relationship and they were not together. So I don’t get why she is the bad guy when she was honest and upfront and he chose to ignore that and then blames her for wrecking their non-existent relationship?
Addie Pray December 6, 2012, 1:34 pm
He’s not calling her the bad guy. He takes the blame for being “naive” and following his “stubborn heart” and “like an idiot” flying out to salvage a relationship. … Who hasn’t done something like that before?! I’ve done worse. He recognizes that he should have moved on and saved himself from that heartache he brought on by trying so hard. …. I see no blame on the girl. I sympathize with this guy. It sucks to get your heart pooped on.
LadyinPurpleNotRed December 6, 2012, 1:37 pm
Addie Pray December 6, 2012, 1:19 pm
The “haha” after that line was a sure sign that LW was being sarcastic, no?
AllisonExclaims December 6, 2012, 5:19 pm
Yaaaa that’s how I read it! It’s the “surprise surprise” sarcastic comment because when you say it like that you know there’s no actual surprise.
lets_be_honest December 6, 2012, 1:19 pm
Remind me not to cry on your cold shoulder when my heart’s in a blender. Yikes 😉
Heather December 6, 2012, 1:22 pm
Yeah, even though I can totally believe how it ended, you seem a little unnecessarily sassy. It’s not like he’s in denial, he acknowledges that it was a mistake and it sounds like he’s learned a hard lesson and is ready to move on.
lets_be_honest December 6, 2012, 1:25 pm
I am a fan of your little photo.
lets_be_honest December 6, 2012, 1:25 pm
that comment looks really creepy, doesn’t it. sorry.
LM December 6, 2012, 1:30 pm
Not really. I was thinking the same thing yesterday about your little avatar. I like the porcupine and the balloon 🙂
Addie Pray December 6, 2012, 1:35 pm
You two need to get a room already. 😉
lets_be_honest December 6, 2012, 1:43 pm
Thanks! I’m sure you can’t read the writing because its so small, but it says “caught in a bad romance.” Fitting for DW I think.
LM December 7, 2012, 11:46 am
After staring at it for a minute, I was able to read it and that’s why I like it. Totally fitting for DW.
Heather December 6, 2012, 2:00 pm
Thank you! I have always gotten enjoyment out of your balloon and porcupine as well. 🙂
Lindsay December 6, 2012, 1:26 pm
Geez. I hope you don’t talk to your friends like this when they make a mistake.
EB December 6, 2012, 1:31 pm
Obviously, a person as heartless and vicious as myself does not have friends 😉
Addie Pray December 6, 2012, 1:38 pm
See, sarcasm!!! 🙂 You got it.
kerrycontrary December 6, 2012, 1:49 pm
BOOOO. EB is mean.
EB December 6, 2012, 2:39 pm
Thanks. Your kind and courteous response really inspires me to be more compassionate in the future.
Addie Pray December 6, 2012, 5:43 pm
Sarcasm! I’m the sarcasm patrol today, apparently.
Also, I’m hungry. I’m gonna say this ONE LAST TIME: IT KILLS ME THAT I KNOW OF NO PLACE THAT SERVES BREAKFAST BURRITOS AT ALL TIMES OF THE DAY. What would I give right now to sink my teeth into a cheesy, eggy, salsy, guacomoly, heavenly breakfast burrito… But NOOOO, because it’s 4:42 pm, when the world has arbitrarily decided no breakfast burritos should be served. My life is so hard.
Addie Pray December 6, 2012, 5:45 pm
Also, this comment here is just so I can see “Addie Pray” on the side bar.
Addie Pray December 6, 2012, 5:47 pm
And BOOM, all Addie Pray on the side bar. It’s so much easier to do this now that the last 5 comments only show up on the side bar instead of 10. Do you think that’s why Wendy shortened it to 5, to make it easier for me to dominate the side bars? Totally.
j2 December 6, 2012, 1:29 pm
I ended up with a slightly different take on this.
LW seems to be one who could agonize later over “what if” scenarios. You know, what if I had called her? then: What if I had gone out there? Maybe she would …. Why didn’t I at least TRY?!
This way, as painful as it was, provided full and complete closure. No later second-guessing.
kerrycontrary December 6, 2012, 1:50 pm
Wj2S…I think we’re all prone to doing something a little wacky/embarassing/pathetic for love. Can’t blame the LW for trying. I’m glad you’ve realized your mistakes and moved on.
bittergaymark December 6, 2012, 2:00 pm
What? I’m shocked. SHOCKED that it didn’t work out magically just like in the movies… Isn’t that what ALWAYS happens after grand gestures? ? 🙁 ? I am so confused…
Leah December 6, 2012, 2:41 pm
LW, I know that you were very hurt and might have felt like this woman was string you along a bit by allowing you to come visit, but the bottom line is that she had told you that she didn’t want a long-term-relationship and you two had broken up. She did not “permanently damage” the two of you. There was no relationship at that point, and you (admittedly) stubbornly held on until you had to face some pretty hard-to-handle evidence that she had moved on. Maybe that’s what you needed to do to admit to yourself that the relationship was truly over, but it’s not fair to blame her for that part.
emjay December 6, 2012, 3:10 pm
IMO the LW possibly thought that by visiting her would rekindle the passion they previously had, but obviously it did not work out that way. LW, sometimes people have to learn things the hard way just as you did. What I hope, and what it sounds like in your update, you have learned a valuable lesson, one that will help you see things more clearly in the future. Save Wendy’s advice incase you have to reference it in the future, and i wish you the best in moving foward in your personal life. Plus there is usually someone better suited forr you anyway. You will find her. It may take time, but she is out there some where.
clover December 6, 2012, 10:53 pm
Aw man. My heart really goes out to the LW. LW, if you’re reading this, you’re not the only one who’s had this kind of experience. Not by a long shot. You aren’t dumb for wanting so badly for it to work out—just blinded by hope. I know how that goes. I’ve been through that too. I’m rooting for you. I know you’ll make it through.
MsMisery December 7, 2012, 1:03 pm
Moral of the story #2: refundable airline tickets.
Also, (so I don’t seem like a heartless cunny), sorry this happened to you. No one deserves that.