Updates: “Lost Sleep” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Lost Sleep” who was losing sleep over her live-in boyfriend spending the majority of his nights in singles chat rooms online. He “stays on the sites until 3 AM when he has to be to work at 8,” she wrote. “He rushes me through sex so I’ll fall asleep afterward, and he can then log onto his chat sites.” Keep reading to see whether she’s still with this gem.

I decided to stay with him and help him work through his addiction. Here we are 3 and 1/2 years later and it’s gotten worse. He hasn’t sought help like he said he would. He lost his job and hardly ever sleeps. Now he waits for me to go to bed, logs onto chat sites, and stays up ’til 3 or 4 AM. To top it off, he masturbates so much while on these sites that his, uh, member no longer rises to the occasion when we actually do have sex. Which is rarely. I thought I felt horrible before…
I’m leaving him. It’s over.

Well, good luck.

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.


  1. Avatar photo theattack says:

    That’s long overdue, but a good decision nonetheless.

  2. I think we all saw that coming… LW, please, please follow through and LEAVE. If you’re reading this and you haven’t already left, grab your purse, walk out the door and start making plans for a new life that doesn’t involve him.

  3. Avatar photo gatecrashergirl says:

    I’m reeling over the fact that she’s still with him 3 1/2 years later! MOA! Maybe she should be talking to a therapist about why she stayed with him for so long. I suspect very low self esteem or dependency issues have something to do with it.

    Further – He really does need help. It sounds like he has a serious addiction problem. Perhaps, when she FINALLY dumps him, it’ll be the tipping point for him to finally get treatment.

  4. Yeeesh! I understand the desire to try and “work on it” before calling it quits, but this went on for wayyyy too long. This was a case of MOY last year!

  5. Send us an update when you no longer live with him/have him in your life. Good luck.

  6. I need an update that says “I left him”. “I’m leaving him” just isn’t good enough… unless you are literally emailing it from the moving van.

    1. I was about to say the same thing.

  7. kerrycontrary says:

    Wow! This is so depressing! LW, take this as a lesson learned.

  8. ReginaRey says:

    At this point, any dumping is better than no dumping at all. And what I said over a year ago still stands – find yourself a great therapist, LW.

  9. LW, if after you sent this to Wendy and decided to backtrack on your leaving him and “stay with him and help him work through his addiction”, just note the following: it is HIS addiction. Not yours. HE has to work through it – you don’t have to help him do anything, except provide encouragement on his progress. If he’s not willing to put in the work to resolve HIS addiction for the sake of your shared relationship, then you should MOA.

    1. Yes this exactly. You can’t fix somebody. He has to want to fix himself, he has to make the decision and he has to put in the work.

  10. Why do some women cling so hard to the shreds of what basically is a non-relationship? You were in MOA territory for certain, no doubts about it, when you sent your first letter. Your bf didn’t seek help. Things got worse — much worse. You’ve been so upset you are losing sleep yourself. Yet you are just now considering getting out, but still have yet to MOA. Yes, you need to MOA. Yes you need therapy, because you really need to figure out why you stayed around so long and actually referred to your relationship as “great, except…”

  11. Wait, before I ~actually~ comment, what do you mean by “Now he waits for me to go to bed, logs onto chat sites, and stays up ’til 3 or 4 AM.” NOW he does this? He did this when you first wrote in!

    (From the original letter) “He doesn’t sleep at night — stays on the sites until 3 AM when he has to be to work at 8. He rushes me through sex so I’ll fall asleep afterward, and he can then log onto his chat sites.”

    1. I think she may mean that he doesn’t even bother with trying to rush her through sex anymore to get her to go to sleep first. This update is just sad. LW, please leave this guy. You’ve been unhappy for what sounds like years.

      1. Oh, true. I quoted the sex part without even realizing it was missing from the update… :-\

        But yeah, agree—this update is very sad. LW, being alone is better than this. He doesn’t want to get better. That doesn’t mean YOU can’t live a better, fuller, happier life without him.

  12. If you want to be petty, take the computer with you when you leave. And I hope you’re leaving today. You deserve better than this very sad relationship. Good luck to you, and don’t even consider going back.

    1. This sounds bad, but I’d be tempted to break the computer in half over my knee if I were her..

  13. anonymous says:

    Didn’t everyone else love that Wendy called him a “gem”? Made me snort.

    1. Hopefully he’s rare and the LW will never find another one quite like him. 😉

  14. This isn’t a good update. You need to update us again when you’ve actually left his sorry ass and you’re doing better. Not “I just left him”, but “I’ve been in therapy for 6-9 months and I am loving myself more and I am happier now” better.

    We all said you deserved better and you didn’t listen to us. Now you’re in a worse spot than you were in back then. I’m feeling a bit sorry for you, but not as sorry as I could be because you didn’t listen to the valuable advice we all gave you. You dug yourself in deeper because of your denial.

  15. SweetPeaG says:

    I had to go back and read your letter (and my response) again. I am so sad for you. I know it is weird, but I would love to chat with you. Some of what you say reminds me of myself about three to four years ago. It took me almost four years in a relationship to decide living a miserable life is NEVER worth it. I am happy to see you say you’re leaving. But, if at any point, something holds you back. Ask yourself “What is holding me back?”. Demand concrete specifics from yourself. Accept nothing less. Because anything vague about him changing will not cut it! This guy doesn’t feel like changing. This is the life he wants to have. So, let him!

    Don’t be afraid to set a new path for yourself! My goodness, you’re going to find your new life FUN! Dates! Dinners out with your girlfriends without worrying about when you go home! Just think, you might actually get to have sex with someone who wants to! I am not trying to be crude, but you deserve a guy who puts actual effort into having a sex life with you. I know some people have health issues or other problems, but anyone who is putting such little effort simply DOES NOT CARE.

    I am keeping my fingers crossed for another update… a HAPPY one.

  16. This makes me sad. I’m not saying this to be mean, but it really shouldn’t have gotten to this point. I thought you were at least going to say that it got better briefly and then got worse, but it appears that it never improved ever. I hope when you said you’re leaving that you just happened to leave out the words “right this minute.”

  17. :[

    Why did you stay???? Send a new update once you actually leave him. Like someone else said, it’s HIS addiction not yours! He needs to work through it, not you! This is so sad, you just wasted almost 4 years with this guy and most of that time you felt horrible too! That is no way to live. Dump the loser and get yourself to therapy, your self esteem is clearly way too low for you to have stayed in this situation for so long.

    Good luck LW!

  18. Are you joking? Is this a joke update with joke responses?? No one is telling it like it is AT ALL which is that 1. dude doesn’t love you 2. dude isn’t sexually attracted to you and 3. dude is using you for a guest room in which to jerk off to other women. Maybe you guys still have sex once in a while, but he’s just placating you and DEFINITELY not thinking about you. And this was just from your last letter! Now dude thinks so little of you he’s stopped going to work and contributing at all to society because jerking off to other women is more important. Than his job, his friends, his family and you.

    Jerking off to random women is more important than this relationship with you. Read that again. Ten times until it sinks in.

    The good news is you’ll have no problem leaving dude because he’s an unemployed, (I can only imagine) extremely unattractive, thoughtless, good for nothing, going no where loser.

    I don’t know how anyone could read, let alone wright such a letter without becoming outraged and disgusted. Gkshfkdhkf omg leave him, please.

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