It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Maybe One Day Mom” who was undecided about wanting kids while her boyfriend of two years was sure he didn’t want them. She worried about committing to someone who would essentially limit her choices in the future. Keep reading to see how things have been resolved.
You answered my letter some time ago and I thought I would share an update on my situation. After reading your advice, as well as the advice of commenters, I realized that I didn’t know what I wanted for my future and what I wanted out of a partner enough to make a decision. So I took some time and really focused on figuring out what was important to me. After much soul-searching I realized that I do in fact want children and a husband who shares my faith, and knowing exactly what I want is incredibly empowering. It made the decision to end my relationship with my boyfriend. Sad, but simple. He is moving out, and, upon discovery that during my time of figuring things out he went looking on Craigslist for hook ups, it made moving on and getting over him incredibly easy. Thank you for all of your advice and to everyone who commented!
Oh, dear. Well, that was a bullet dodged then, wasn’t it? Best of luck to you!
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
Kristina June 18, 2012, 1:04 pm
Wow, glad the LW figured things out.
katie June 18, 2012, 1:19 pm
i just went back and re-read this letter, and I remember thinking that this was going to be the outcome. I think that people who say “i might want to have kids”, or “maybe someday in the future” DO actually want kids, but are scared for any numer of legitmate reasons. this is me to a T, as well.
I hope that I can have a moment as you have- a final decision that i know for sure that i do want kids, and be done with this stupid back and forth maybe yes maybe no game i play with myself in my head.
ktfran June 18, 2012, 3:17 pm
Yeah. I say now I could go either way. That I’m waiting for the baby clock to kick in. It hasn’t yet, but I’m not sure that doesn’t mean I don’t want kids. I, too, wish I had a definitive answer. But I don’t.
Lili June 18, 2012, 3:29 pm
My friend just turned 28 and said she felt like a the first strike of the clock chiming on her birthday. She’s never felt the urgency before but said that it was a pretty strong feeling like OH man, gotta start being serious about finding someone if I want kids someday.
ktfran June 18, 2012, 4:51 pm
I’m actually 32 and don’t have the itch yet. I know I would make an awesome mom and I adore kids. Especially my nieces. But having them myself hasn’t hit yet.
painted_lady June 18, 2012, 10:52 pm
See, the closest I’ve gotten to “baby fever” was thinking, “You know, having a baby might not be my own personal hell. Maybe. I can see where there might be moments that weren’t complete misery.” That’s as close as I’ve gotten, for a couple of months last summer. And then I went right back to thinking that having a baby would be, like, the worst thing ever to happen to me. At almost 30. I think that might actually have been my late-20s baby fever.
Christy June 18, 2012, 3:44 pm
I know–I can’t say that I want kids, more that I always assumed I would have kids. But at the same time, I can’t imagine having kids now or even soon.
And I always assume I’ll be pregnant. But odds are, I won’t be–I have low fertility, and so my eventual wife will likely be the one to get pregnant. And why wouldn’t we adopt?
So many questions.
katie June 18, 2012, 3:58 pm
thats my problem too- i always assumed i would have kids. as in, everyone grows up, gets married, has kids. i was taught that, and so i guess i just expected it. but now, its like i do actually have a choice…? and then i get stressed out, because having a choice in that matter is scary.. having kids is a scary thought.
Bethany June 18, 2012, 8:24 pm
I feel the same way…. Always assumed I’d have kids, but at 31, I have no desire to actually have my own yet…
kerrycontrary June 18, 2012, 3:59 pm
I have baby fever right now and have for the past few months! I logically know I don’t want a kid now, or even sooner than 4-5 years, but my body wants a baby like crazy. It’s like “kerry, why aren’t you pregnant? you’re almost 25, this is prime time to be pregnant!”
Lili June 18, 2012, 4:24 pm
So i heard on sex with emily (awesome podcast btw!) that a woman hits her sexual peak at 28. You got time kerry!
GatorGirl June 18, 2012, 9:22 pm
I have baby fever too. I’m 26, getting married in less than a year, and have a ridiculous urge to reproduce. My fiancé and I say we’ll wait a year before “trying” but I’m not sure if that will happen.
Lili June 18, 2012, 1:20 pm
Woah! Not the update I was expecting. Glad things are working out better for you L W! Interesting that he was able to hide this side from you for so long.
FireStar June 18, 2012, 4:32 pm
So not what I was expecting either. Damn.
ele4phant June 18, 2012, 1:31 pm
What is it with multiple LW’s boyfriend’s searching for hook-ups on craigslist? Is this a thing? I guess I don’t get too in-depth with my male friends and acquaintances’ sex lives, but most are tentative to use Craigslist to find an apartment, much less someone to swap body fluids with.
Whatever happened to going to the bar and finding drunk girls, or misleading women on a relatively secure site like match.com in order to get your random hookup?
Lili June 18, 2012, 1:37 pm
RIGHT?! OMG I worry about being murdered (to be fair, Seattle DID have a craigslist robbery/murder happen a few years ago) so I NEVER go on CL to do anything other than laugh at missed connections and search for jobs/apts.
Kristina June 18, 2012, 1:44 pm
I must admit I know a few guys who go on Craigslist for that sort of thing. They’re all like 21-24 and really immature.
ele4phant June 18, 2012, 1:49 pm
Yikes! What about personal safety? How could you be sure the “girl” you’re planning to meet isn’t really a dude waiting to rob you?
Kristina June 18, 2012, 1:57 pm
I think guys think they’re more invincible when it comes to safety. It’s a stupid idea all around.
kerrycontrary June 18, 2012, 1:59 pm
Ok here’s a doozie: My boyfriend’s friend (who used to date my best friend) was going on craigslist to hook up with women AND men. My boyfriend found out when he opened the guy’s computer and there was a picture of him in women’s clothing. crazy.
theattack June 18, 2012, 2:28 pm
I like to read those posts for entertainment value. Maybe I should be more careful about that in case my fiance sees that somehow…
landygirl June 18, 2012, 2:46 pm
Guys who post for hookups on craiglist make men at the bottom of the barrell seem like an upgrade.
bagge72 June 18, 2012, 3:45 pm
I’m looking for an old motorcycle to rebuild on craigslist, but that’s about it.
Nina June 18, 2012, 2:03 pm
Good for you!
My ex did this to me too, I think I spent a week wondering why somebody would treat our relationship like that-and then suddenly I woke up one morning and realized that I was better off without him, bullet dodged, and I was happy. It really does make it easier to move on already!
Lindsay June 18, 2012, 2:13 pm
This sounds like a nice resolution, minus the Craigslist search. Though, like Wendy said, the LW dodged a bullet. I worry about being in her place one day, except in the reverse. I kind of don’t think I want kids, but I am not ready to rule it out, yet. Plus, I think there’d be a difference for me between not wanting them and not specifically wanting them but being OK with the idea. I just worry that I’m going to be with someone amazing who wants kids and realize that I don’t. Ugh.
Will.i.am June 18, 2012, 3:30 pm
I use CL to buy things and that’s about it. I would never look to start a relationship or have an FWB from that site. Just too risky.
bittergaymark June 18, 2012, 3:53 pm
How convenient he was trolling craig’s list, I guess…
rilooyah June 18, 2012, 5:25 pm
Wait, so did the LW and bf take a break and that is when he was trolling craigslist? Bc if still living together, etc, and she was taking time to figure herself out…they were still together. Which means that he was likely doing it the whole 2 years, right????