It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Mommy Dearest’s Daughter” who wondered whether she should cut all ties with her abusive mother. Find out whether she’s still in contact with her mother in her update below.
By the time my letter ran, my dad had come to my house to get my side of what was going on. I got really upset when I tried to talk to him because I had been holding it all in and I didn’t want to tell him what I suspected about my mother, but in my emotional state I said that I thought she was a horrible wife and mother and that he deserved better, that we all do. He basically told me that I shouldn’t worry about trying to stand up for him, because he is going to be fine no matter what, and that the reason that he doesn’t want to divorce mom is because he thinks it would be bad for my youngest sister. He worries that, because my mother doesn’t work at all and he works full time, she would get primary custody, and he worries about what kind of people she would bring around my sister if he weren’t there.
I don’t know how founded in reality these concerns are, but it makes me feel better that he isn’t totally oblivious to what is going on. That being said, there were a lot of commenters who were rough on my Dad, and I think that is partially my fault. All I did was say he was a saint and then explain how horrible my mother has been my whole life, so obviously it looks like he was just allowing it all to happen. To an extent, maybe I need to accept that is true, since he knew she had a drinking problem and he knows she spends nearly all the money he makes on herself. However, most of her emotional/physical abuse (and the neglect of my younger sister) took place while he was at work, and she always lied to him to paint herself in the best light. I think that now that she has been doing it for so many years he is figuring it out, but I was the oldest and he probably bought the story that she was selling – that I was just a melodramatic teenager being disrespectful. Also, there is no chance that he enjoys or “gets off on” the dynamic that she creates in the family. He seems super depressed about it sometimes, but I think he really just is trying to do the best he can for his kids. I’m not saying there aren’t potentially better options, but I am saying that he thinks there aren’t.
Anyway, to the update: I started talking to my mother again, around the time my daughter was born. Basically, I have been polite and distant when I see her and have tried to avoid her as much as I can, but I have given up on writing her out of my life completely at this point, so I can see my sisters and my father with less hassle. I never apologized, and I don’t intend to. I also never trash-talked her to the extended family, or tried to clear my name with any of the various cousins, aunts, grandparents, and so on, but she ended up getting found out anyway (actually, she decided to brag about her exploits to some of her cousins, and word got around) and I had family members actually apologize to me for thinking badly of me.
Commenter Sue Jones mentioned that I should look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She was right — that is my mother to a T. Reading up on it in some ways makes me feel sad for my mother, because it is a problem founded in extreme insecurity, but it has also helped me to start accepting that things are never going to improve for her. She is always going to be the same miserable person, and I just can’t engage her on a personal level without getting blowback. I have to remain aloof. So far, that has been working for me.
As for the commenters who questioned why I want her in my daughters’ lives – I only want her in their lives in a limited way. She has never been a source of childcare for me and never will be. I just want them to know their family. Also, she has only ever expressed a sort of warmth towards them (why shouldn’t she? They are no source of work or difficulty or judgment for her) and, if that ever changed, I would pull the plug in a second. My kids’ well-being is always my priority.
Thanks to the commenters who thought my husband should be a little more supportive. You all were right, but he didn’t get it yet. Since I wrote in he has slowly come to see how things truly are and is more compassionate and lets me vent if I need to and it just feels great for him to understand. I know it was hard for him to fully comprehend because he comes from a wonderful, supportive, close family where there is never drama of this caliber, which is great!
Thank you for your update and best of luck for a happy future.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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