Updates: “Not a Fan of His Friends” Responds

updatesIt’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Not a Fan of His Friends,” whose boyfriend of a year still hung out with his longtime, childhood friends — whom he considers “like family” — despite their gross disrespect of women and, specifically, of her. “Whenever we all hang out, I have to deal with non-stop banter about the sexual escapades of these friends and other inappropriate comments, which initially I let slide for the sake of getting along with the men. I have talked to my boyfriend about this issue, which I regret doing now since, after he tried to speak to them, the situation’s just gotten worse to a point where they now talk shit about me, make inside jokes about me, and (some of the very insensitive ones) even refer to me as a ‘whore’ behind my back.”

Keep reading for a surprising update.

After I read the comments on the column, I decided it was time to move on, and I had a very serious talk with my boyfriend about it. We had a very civil conversation and I explained to him exactly why I finally decided to end things between us. He then realized that it was a bigger problem than he imagined, and we talked about it exhaustively. He asked me so many questions and asked me about my expectations and how I’d want him to behave and handle things in the relationship. He went further to explain that this is his first real relationship and he may need direction some times.

After our talk he begged that I give him another chance and that, if I still felt he wasn’t living up to his word, then I could leave and he’d understand that. Reluctant to give him a second chance, I did warm up to the idea because I did want it to work between us. He made some major changes and, as I write, he has truly been different with the way he treats me and handles things in the relationship. I feel a little more secure in the relationship, but I am still taking my time to see if the change is temporary or more permanent. His friends do come around here and there, but he makes no effort to reach out to them as much as he used to. He has hinted about marriage, but I’m not sure I can get into it just yet. I’m seeing how things go and hoping for best.

Wow, ok. So… his excuse for not defending you when his friends called you a whore was that this is his first relationship and he needs direction sometimes on how to treat a woman? Hmm. I want to be happy for you in that you say you boyfriend has changed, but I don’t buy it. Whom people hang out with and consider “like family” says a lot about them. That, as a grown man, your boyfriend needs you to direct him to defend you when his friends call you a whore also says a lot about him. At the very least he’s immature and cowardly. But, ok, maybe your conversation has opened his eyes. Maybe he really is a changed man. But I would definitely take a long time before agreeing to marrying him.


If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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  1. ele4phant says:

    Uh – these friends still are around? What did he change, exactly? How are things better?

  2. Does he maybe just like dominant people to hang on to?

  3. Heatherly says:

    Well the friends aren’t loudly preclaiming her. “whore” any more ( in her presence at least). So that is an improvement but I think he’s just hiding it all better. Be wary.

  4. dinoceros says:

    If y’all are happy, I guess that’s good. Wendy makes good points though. His previous behavior would make me wonder about who he was deep down. I’d rather someone treat me well because they are a good person, not because they had to be told.

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