Updates: “Not a Secret” Responds (Again)

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Not a Secret” whose letter was included in a shortcuts column in 2012. She was recently engaged and feeling anxious about the relationship between her fiancé and his ex-girlfriend. Specifically, she didn’t understand why he wouldn’t tell the ex that he had gotten engaged. She updated us the following month, saying her fiancé finally told his ex-girlfriend about his engagement. She also said they were starting couples counseling because they had “gotten off track from where we were before all this drama started.” Did the couples counseling work? Are they still together? Did they get married? Find out below.

It’s been a year and half since you and your readers pegged my EX-fiancé to a tee.

I finally broke the engagement off last March. I thought, when being engaged, you work through issues and what not. Obviously, there were a lot more issues involved than I believed. After breaking the engagement off, my former husband, whom I was still close with, passed away from cancer and I truly understood what unconditional love was and is. I knew what it was all along; I just had a lapse in judgment.

I have been single for a year now and it is and has been the best thing for me. I did have to block the ex as, when he drinks, he likes to text. I would like to thank you and all your readers for the insight you provided. One of the most important things I did learn is to listen to your gut instincts as they are generally right and to love and respect yourself enough to walk away from anyone or anything that is harmful to you in any fashion.

Thanks for the update–and for the reminder to listen to your gut. So sorry to hear about your ex-husband.


If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.


  1. Avatar photo veritek33 says:

    Sorry for your loss, LW. But I’m glad you’re in a better situation and taking some time to be single. Good luck!

  2. kerrycontrary says:

    Sorry it didn’t work out. I want to know though…what did we have pegged to a tee? Was he dating the other woman? Was he on Match.com currently? Was he an alien?

  3. Avatar photo theattack says:

    Still reading through all of this, but the original letter is the one where lemongrass came up with 100 words for fucking, and then Wendy said we couldn’t do that. haha Fun times.

    1. Avatar photo lemongrass says:

      That was awesome. Mcdonalds recently added poutine to their menu here and it is surprisingly decent. At least it was when I was drunk the other night.

      1. Avatar photo theattack says:

        Wow Mcdonalds carries poutine, and I still haven’t had any. Clearly I need to travel up north.

      2. Avatar photo lemongrass says:


      3. lets_be_honest says:

        The McD’s in Maine has lobster rolls!
        I’m eating McD’s RIGHT NOW actually. Mmmmm

      4. Avatar photo theattack says:

        Haha, omg seriously?

        Hey when is the best time of year to vacation in Maine? You love Maine, right?

      5. lets_be_honest says:

        Yes, and one of my cheeseburgers was missing a pickle. Wtf!

        If you are going for the semi-beach weather, go in August/Sept. The ocean water will only barely numb you in September, haha.

      6. Avatar photo theattack says:

        Is it seriously that cold? Wow. We’re tossing up ideas for our next trip, and Maine seems interesting. If we end up going I’ll definitely ask you for tips!

      7. lets_be_honest says:

        The water is really cold, not unbearable though. But you could be sweating your ass off on land, so?

      8. Consider Cape Cod… It has the ocean side, with bigger waves and freezing water and seals and sharks, but it also has the bay side with calmer, warmer water. And yes, the water anywhere in New England will be warmest around Labor Day. It takes all summer to warm up. I used to be able to swim in ocean water in Maine or the Cape as a kid, but I can’t even get near it anymore. It’s like 55 degrees!

      9. lets_be_honest says:

        Are you trying to get me to defend Maine til my death? Because I will. FUCK CAPE COD AND FUCK YOU.
        (too far?)

      10. Maine is a fucking joke.

      11. Nah, Maine is fine, it’s just that we always went to the Cape. My friends would go to Maine with their families and sometimes I’d go along. It’s certainly beautiful up there, but you can’t argue that the water is colder than on the Cape!

      12. lets_be_honest says:

        haha, I’ve actually never been to cape cod, but I’ve heard good things.

      13. lets_be_honest says:

        And yes, I love Maine. If you go, I’ll tell you my favorite spots (which are all limited to southern Maine).

      14. I can tell you about downeast Maine…my parents have a vacation house in Camden, which is the most beautiful town on the coast. We grew up spending summers there (my parents still do) and it sucks being an adult and only being able to get up there for long weekends now!

        July through mid-September is the best time to go for summery weather, although fall/leaf season up there is gorgeous, too. My husband has to do a month of training in Newport, RI, this summer, and I’m going to take our baby and stay with my parents during the week and visit the hubs on weekends. Can’t wait.

      15. TheGirlinME says:

        Visit me in Bath on your way past 😀 I’m a former Navy Wife, myself. It would be fun to have a meetup.

      16. kerrycontrary says:

        Um…fast food poutine? Yes please. PLEASE. The only time I can get poutine is when I go to AHL hockey games in my hometown (I suppose they have it at Caps games….but those tickets are expensive).

      17. Avatar photo thewriteway says:

        Kerry do you live in Hershey? I’ve had poutine there too!

      18. kerrycontrary says:

        That’s where I grew up yes 🙂

      19. Ooh, I’ll make gf try it there next time we go up.

  4. Aw LW, I’m sorry we turned out to be right about this dude—& I’m very sorry to hear about your ex husband. Good luck to you in the future!

  5. Good for you, LW for realizing that this wasn’t a good fit. I think that’s sometimes one of the hardest decisions and it sounds like you have some closure. You’re right, I’ve found your gut is right 99.9% of the time. 🙂

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