It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Not a Teenager” whose boyfriend was obsessed with the teen girls he was friending on Facebook. Keep reading to see whether she’s given him the boot yet.
I have completely broken up with my boyfriend. Right after I wrote to you, he became very bitter and rude, but it was no surprise to me. I don’t remember if I mentioned this in my previous letter, but, on top of his obsession with teen girls on Facebook, he also called me every name under the sun in previous arguments. But that is okay. At this point his name-calling is like a broken record or like a plastic sword (the kind you get with a drink) that hits me and then falls on the floor. In other words, I don’t care and, because I don’t care, and because I blocked him on Facebook and blocked his number, he took things up on Facebook statuses (I know this because a friend of mine tells me). He posts a lot of made up things, but what bothers me is when he uses things I said to him, making it seem as if they come from him. Does that make sense?
Now it has been at least a month since we broke up and, while it is flattering that he still thinks of me so much (I am being sarcastic, of course), it messes with my head. You see, I don’t count how many times he calls me this or that or what he calls me to begin with anymore, but I still am not at peace with it. When I think about the times that he called me names and went ballistic in front of friends and family (he once threw a sandwich in the garbage at a restaurant because a guy friend bought it for me), it still hurts, and each time he posts something about me, I get reminded of that hurt. And it just simply isn’t a way to live. Otherwise, I am enjoying my life and I simply don’t consider ever going back to him or hope that he will change or anything of that sort. However, I want him to leave me alone completely as I’ve made clear. I don’t want to be friends or keep in touch in any way. Why can’t he just stop picking on me?
You need to be very clear with your friends to NOT tell you if/when he says something about you, either explicitly or not. If your friends keep talking to you about him, stop interacting with them. Eventually, the hurt will start fading and both you and your ex will move on.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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Imsostartled September 9, 2013, 1:38 pm
You might want to report his account to Facebook. It seems like his comments are really harassing.
Copa September 9, 2013, 1:51 pm
Glad you ended things with him! His behavior aside from his iffy friendships with teen girls is DEFINITELY not okay.
Your friends are really doing you a disservice by telling you when and what he writes about you online. Ask them to stop so that you can start moving forward.
CatsMeow September 9, 2013, 2:12 pm
Wow, sounds like there was a LOT more going on in addition to the weird teen girls obsession. I’m glad you got out!
I would say just keep ignoring him at all costs. I was with a jealous, manipulative, controlling loser who kept trying to pull that shit after we broke up. I did not engage AT ALL. Texts, emails, facebook, phonecalls, nothing. If I saw his friends, I wouldn’t talk about him or ask how he was. If I saw him in public, I would just turn around and walk away without saying anything. It only disrupted my life minimally for a short while before he eventually got the point and gave up.
BreezyAM September 10, 2013, 6:22 am
And make no mistake; part of the reason knobs like this post that kind of crap even after blocking him is because he knoooooows her friends are telling her. Tis is the perfect time for Grey Rock.
Fabelle September 9, 2013, 2:20 pm
Yeah, seems like the teenage girl obsession was just icing on the fucked up cake (did I steal that expression from someone here? I feel like I did)
You need to have a “I don’t discuss him anymore” policy with your friends. Maybe it was funny at first to hear all the wack shit he was posting, but you blocked him for a reason, right? Tell your friends you don’t wanna hear it anymore, since it’s affecting you emotionally. Other than that, good luck.
Sophronisba September 9, 2013, 2:27 pm
Sugar, you did the right thing to walk away.
But it sounds like he messed with and is still messing with your head. Perhaps a counselor to help you clear away the negative effects of this relationship?
MMcG September 9, 2013, 3:48 pm
Second the suggestion for some sort of counseling or introspection. You seem to have tolerated things that should never have been ok. Ever. Good luck!
Pinky September 9, 2013, 6:27 pm
Dear Letter Writer,
Bullet dodged. Congratulations.
Lucy September 9, 2013, 9:58 pm
Report him to Facebook (or have your friends do it). Odds are they will shut down his account.
Sue Jones September 10, 2013, 10:08 am
He sounds abusive as hell. All of his FB rants reflect poorly on him and not you so don’t worry about it. Really. People are not that stupid.
Evil Charity September 10, 2013, 11:35 am
Good for you. He sounds terrible. No one deserves to be treated that way by a partner. I also second what Wendy said about asking your friend to NOT update you. I went through a similar situation when I broke up with an ex years ago. I moved to another city and a friend I left behind couldn’t stop herself from giving me updates even when I asked her not to. This was over ten years ago, and we are still friends, but I did cut down contact for a while until the dust settled.
Fairhairedchild September 10, 2013, 8:50 pm
LW, you say that with all the name-calling from you ex that you are ” still am not at peace with it”. And for good reason! You shouldn’t be “ok” with someone calling you names and degrading you.
I was shocked when I read “he also called me every name under the sun in previous arguments. But that is okay. At this point his name-calling is like a broken record or like a plastic sword (the kind you get with a drink) that hits me and then falls on the floor”
It’s not ok, and you shouldn’t feel like it’s “no big deal” because of how numb you’ve become to it. What that shows is that you’ve given up standing up for yourself and realizing that this person treated you like crap and spoke to you so terribly! I’m glad that you are no longer in this relationship , and you should recognize what the arguments were – verbal abuse. And now he’s trying to take it to the “cyberworld” and still trying to affect you with his words. I agree with Wendy to tell your friends not to tell you what he says because it only allows him to still psychologically harass you through his words online. I believe someone else said it above, but you should try to reach out to a support group or counseling to recognize that how this guy treated you and spoke to you are not ok, and that it’s not something that you should just accept because next time it may be a physical attack.
Be strong LW, and don’t ever let anyone treat you like that again.