Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Nude to This” Responds

updatesIt’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Nude to This” who wrote in last week about being upset that her boyfriend was going to a wedding that she wasn’t invited to where his recent ex would be in attendance, soon after the LW found nude photos of said ex on her boyfriend’s phone.

“Should he still go? Should I let him go and should I then get over it even though I have been anxious for weeks, am hurt that he still wants to go, and am uncomfortable with the whole idea? He doesn’t want to upset me, but he also says he doesn’t want to upset the bride and groom. (Yet he is not in the wedding party and told me that he is not that close with the couple.)”

The wedding was this past weekend. Keep reading to find out whether the boyfriend went or not.

I found some of the feedback useful, actually, as I needed different perspectives on the situation and, though most missed the point – which was a hilarious read by the way, I was able to understand reasons why I was left out this time. Obviously, my boyfriend was invited with his ex long before I was in the picture. I could understand that, but if his friends cared about him coming that much then surely they could have made an exception to let him bring his current partner. Some people said it was the bride and grooms’ day, not mine, which made me wonder why they care so much about my boyfriend coming then. Surely, they would only care that each other show up? That is the whole point of the wedding, after all. Maybe I’m wrong — maybe it’s only official if every single person on the guest list shows up. I really don’t know enough about weddings to understand their logic

Anyway, on Sunday my boyfriend did go to the wedding without me. After months of these arguments going around in circles, I decided that he wanted me to be supportive and that it was a chance for him to hang out with “the boys.” None of this would have been an issue if he would have made that his argument from the start and not brought trust into it. Of course, I trust him to be around his ex and all other women for that matter – I am really not as desperate and insecure as some of your readers portrayed me (again, hilarious read). I just wanted him to put me first this time. I was happy for him to go to the stag night and go out with his friends whenever, but after discovering the photos it did make me uncomfortable and I could have done with his telling me I’m more important than his friends and that he’d rather spend the day with me than be anywhere near his ex.

After our last argument about it, I took him out to buy a suit and said I’d drive him there and back (it was two hours away in the country where he’s from). He ended up going with friends and I dropped him there and helped them tie their ties. I spent the day getting spa treatments – on him — and there was no more drama to be had.

He did tell me afterward that the groom, his friend, would have been happy to make an exception for me to go, but the bride, his ex’s friend, didn’t want me there because his ex is not over him and would struggle to have me around her all dressed up with the man who chose me, not her.

Thank you so much for your insight, though. I guess you’re not a believer in soulmates and love at first sight, I take it? That’s okay — my relationship was the source of gossip for months and still is because of how quickly we coupled up. My boyfriend came home after the wedding and told me he can’t wait for ours.

 
I think we might have different ideas of what a “soulmate” is, but that’s ok. As long as you’re on the same page as yours — and it sounds like things are pretty perfect — that’s all that matters. Best wishes to you!

***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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46 comments… add one
  • avatar

    csp April 24, 2018, 12:45 pm

    LW – The one thing I will add here is how much weddings can cost per person. I am not sure where you are but I am guessing not the USA. But for my wedding, it was $150 per person to attend. I have a large family and so does my husband so for 200 guests it was $30,000.00. That is just the ceremony and dinner not all the other things around the wedding. Unfortunately, just adding people isn’t always that simple with a budget and normally family gets priority over friends. They can have excuses after the fact about who is to blame but make sure to give the bride and groom some kindness because most people don’t have an unlimited budget.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph April 24, 2018, 12:51 pm

      Yup. And even if budget isn’t the issue, sometimes venue capacity is. We had an outdoor ceremony, but if it rained they could use the indoor reception space as a ceremony space and then convert it to tables during cocktail hour– only it was size-limited and our guest list was actually over the number of people we could seat for an indoor ceremony. We banked on some people not being able to make it (and some couldn’t) and/or the weather being ok (it was) but adding people is rarely as easy as just pulling up another chair.

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph April 24, 2018, 12:59 pm

        Oh also OF COURSE the groom was like “sure whatever, bring your gf” because 99% of the time the bride is the one dealing with all the planning crap (budget! invitations! seating chart! what color napkins!) while the groom gets to skate by into a fun party and laugh about how she’s a bridezilla all while enjoying the fruits of her labor and with her getting blamed for any hitch because of course its her responsibility when a placecard is missing.
        (For the record, my husband was a very involved groom, but even still, everyone from the caterer to *his mother* looked to me for answers and decisions.)

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      • avatar

        csp April 24, 2018, 2:57 pm

        I totally agree. The friend gets to be the good guy and the bride is SO unreasonable.

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    • avatar

      Artsygirl April 24, 2018, 12:54 pm

      I was going to say the same thing. I doubt if the bride or your BF’s ex give a flying fig that you were there (despite what you said, he did not choose you over her – they were already over when you started dating), but rather trying to reorganize seating charts, figure out adding another meal to the bill, etc. is a logistics nightmare especially for a guest the bridal party has never met. Honestly I didn’t say anything in the original letter because I thought it was covered by other posters – but seriously this is an entitled, bratty response.

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      • avatar

        csp April 24, 2018, 1:34 pm

        In her defense, until you go through it, you have no idea. The social obligations and the blending of families is more emotionally fraught then I expected. I mean sometimes you can’t sympathize until you have been there.

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      • avatar

        MMR April 24, 2018, 1:45 pm

        Exactly!

        Why on earth would they make an “exception” for you? What is it about your circumstances that makes you think this couple should put themselves out hundreds of dollars plus the nightmare of rearranging seating to accommodate you?

        They 100% don’t care about you or your feelings because THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU. None of this has anything to do with you. They care about your bf being there because he’s a friend of the groom… this should be OBVIOUS because you are (I assume) a human being who has friends you care about more than people you’ve never met.

        All of this screams of narcissism. You sound like a terrible person to have to deal with. (A hilarious read though…)

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  • avatar

    dinoceros April 24, 2018, 1:10 pm

    If this situation was so simple, why even write in? I don’t get it.

    Also, I’ve never been married, but it’s pretty easy for me to understand that the couple has more things to care about than whether one of their guest’s girlfriend of a few months comes. It seems like someone who’s that into soulmates and love at first sight would have some sort of working knowledge of how planning a wedding works.

    Anyway, I doubt that you actually found the comments that hilarious.

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    • Monkeysmommy

      Monkeys mommy April 24, 2018, 2:37 pm

      Nope, she didn’t… Butthurt, Party of one!
      Clearly, she IS just as insecure as thought, otherwise she wouldn’t come back to put anyone’s nose in how awesome things are and how we are all “hilarious “.

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    • avatar

      Purpose May 1, 2018, 10:17 am

      It’s not simple. She just didn’t get the reassurance she was looking for, so now it’s everyone else that misunderstood.

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  • avatar

    Vathena April 24, 2018, 1:38 pm

    “After months of these arguments going around in circles, I decided that he wanted me to be supportive and that it was a chance for him to hang out with “the boys.” None of this would have been an issue if he would have made that his argument from the start and not brought trust into it.” YOU DECIDED? Like, he never actually said those words? Also, trust was brought into it when you didn’t trust him to go to a wedding where his ex would be present. Isn’t that why you wrote in?

    “I just wanted him to put me first this time.” “After months of these arguments” (out of a 6-month relationship…) “soulmates and love at first sight” mmmmkay.

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  • avatar

    SpaceySteph April 24, 2018, 1:52 pm

    I would totally skip the wedding of my long time friends because my SO of 6 months (which we’ve spent the whole time fighting) wants me to put them first for once.
    Where are his priorities!?!

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  • avatar

    Katie April 24, 2018, 1:59 pm

    Something tells me she didn’t find the commentary on her last write as hilarious as she claimed to.

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  • avatar

    Fyodor April 24, 2018, 2:07 pm

    ” I am really not as desperate and insecure as some of your readers portrayed me (again, hilarious read)”

    ” it did make me uncomfortable and I could have done with his telling me I’m more important than his friends and that he’d rather spend the day with me than be anywhere near his ex”

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    • avatar

      MMR April 24, 2018, 3:17 pm

      I’m not insecure, I just require validation from my partner that I am the only important thing in his life, and that at all times my mild discomfort (that totally isn’t irrational jealousy, cus I’m #neverinsecure) is prioritized over irritating things like showing up for his friends during important life events. LOLLLZZZZZZZZZZ

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  • avatar

    BakerBabe April 24, 2018, 2:20 pm

    Uhmm err…ah..ok. Wendy was being sarcastic about this being perfect right?

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  • avatar

    Ale April 24, 2018, 2:43 pm

    This is not the last time you will have an issue with the ex. Trust me on this. He will choose her again next time.

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  • avatar

    JD April 24, 2018, 3:01 pm

    Don’t buy a word of her update. No drama. Jesus woman you are drama wrapped in tin foil for the protection against those reading your thoughts crazy. Makes for a good read though according to you. You want him to put you first, On someone elses wedding day? You really need to get a flipping grip. Write back when he dumps you. Hilarious, as you say.

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  • avatar

    JD April 24, 2018, 3:03 pm

    Oh god I missed the soul mates at first sight part. Now that actually is hilarious.

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  • avatar

    Frizz April 24, 2018, 3:22 pm

    I was the bride in a similar situation. Good friends with the guy who got a new girlfriend. Talked to the guy, said girlfriend was more than welcome. Girlfriend refused to go because his ex girlfriend was in the wedding party. He said he wouldn’t go, and he cut ties with the ex (and the rest of us) at her request.

    I didn’t care that he wasn’t there on the wedding day. He was happy, the new girlfriend was happy and for five years he has purposely avoided speaking to the ex girlfriend’s friends because the ex upset the girlfriend when they first started dating. Essentially I lost a good friend, but he found someone who cares about him and they’re still together.

    Weddings are so expensive too, which is why I was more than happy not to pay $120ish for a girl I had met once, even if she was a friend’s new partner.

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  • avatar

    MissD April 24, 2018, 4:03 pm

    “After months of these arguments going around in circles”

    You’ve been with the guy for 6 months?? If you’ve been having arguments for MONTHS then clearly your relationship is dysfunctional, he is not your soul mate, and you are a fool. Seriously.

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  • Lucidity

    Lucidity April 24, 2018, 4:18 pm

    “…if his friends cared about him coming that much then surely they could have made an exception to let him bring his current partner… I really don’t know enough about weddings to understand their logic”

    Clearly.

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    • avatar

      ktfran April 24, 2018, 4:57 pm

      Right? Let’s change our headcount and seating arrangement for a woman our friend has been dating six months. Oh, and why don’t we deal with everyone who will be butt hurt because they didn’t also get a plus one? Who cares if we originally only planned for plus ones of those in serious relationships or where we’re both good friends with the couple? This isn’t really our day, you know, it’s so everyone else can make a stand about their relationship.

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      • avatar

        Lucidity April 24, 2018, 6:00 pm

        I know that when I was planning my wedding, I wanted to shell out a ton of extra money so that people I’d never met could witness it.

        Hilarious story – we did end up inviting a woman one of our friends had been dating for a few months (he was a groomsman and several of our invited guests couldn’t make it, so I didn’t mind making this exception). She wore a ridiculously short, neon pink skin-tight dress, snorted cocaine at the bathroom counter without even trying to hide it from my shocked, elderly aunts, and ended up in tears after a loud, dramatic fight with her boyfriend. Fortunately my bridesmaids shielded me from knowing about any of that until months later (although I couldn’t miss that dress). Despite moving in together within weeks (because true lurrrrve!!!), they’re not together anymore.

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      • Lucidity

        Lucidity April 24, 2018, 6:29 pm

        I know that when I was planning my wedding, I would have loved to shell out a ton of extra cash so that someone I’d never met could witness it.

        Funny story, we did end up inviting a woman who had only been dating our friend for a few months. He was a groomsman and we had a bunch of people unable to make it, so I didn’t mind making an exception to our “long-term partners only” rule. She wore a ridiculously short, skin-tight neon pink dress, snorted cocaine in the bathroom in front of my horrified elderly aunts, and ended up in tears after a loud, dramatic fight with her boyfriend (luckily my bridesmaids shielded me from learning any of this until months later, although I couldn’t miss that dress). Shockingly, despite having moved in together after only a few weeks (because true luuuuuuurrve), they are now broken up.

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      • avatar

        Artsygirl April 24, 2018, 9:11 pm

        Lucidity – I hear your pain. Best man invited his new girlfriend to our wedding, she wore a skin tight, short, fire-engine red dress. She insisted on being in every picture – I kid you not, she got in behind my grandmother and aunts (arms wrapped around my grandmother whom she had never met), crashed my husband’s cousins picture, and positioned herself to be on the dance floor for the groom/mother dance. When I got the pictures back from the photographer it was likely playing a reverse Where’s Waldo – the photographer had assumed she was my or my husband’s sister because she was inserting herself into so many photographs. Of course the two or three weeks between the wedding and my photos being ready, she and our friend had crashed and burned and now I am stuck with hundreds of photographs of her mugging for the camera.

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      • Lucidity

        Lucidity April 25, 2018, 6:45 am

        Oh no, Artsygirl! I hope you’ve got a good sense of humor and can laugh about it now. I also hope you know someone who is good with Photoshop.

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      • avatar

        Artsygirl April 25, 2018, 7:42 am

        Lucidity- Luckily I didn’t get the big coffee table book due to my budget and chose some individual prints instead sans red dress. It has become an ongoing joke with our friends and family since it was so over the top.

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  • Copa

    Copa April 24, 2018, 4:23 pm

    “his ex is not over him and would struggle to have me around her all dressed up with the man who chose me, not her”

    Too lazy to go back and read the original post, but anyone else think LW’s boyfriend cheated on his ex with LW? I feel like their relationship got off to a shady start and she doesn’t trust him (for good reason).

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    • avatar

      carolann April 24, 2018, 7:03 pm

      Yeah, the “ex would struggle…” that’s why HE keeps nude photos of her.
      It is so common for guys to say their ex isn’t over them to try and make themselves look better. I’ll bet he cheated and she is WAY over him.

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  • avatar

    Kate April 24, 2018, 5:06 pm

    And obviously the motivation for accompanying him there and staying on-site was to prevent him from taking his ex back to the hotel, but she hilariously frames it as her being nice.

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    • avatar

      anonymousse April 24, 2018, 5:22 pm

      LOL! Yep.

      Totally full of trust and soulmate like behavior.

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      • Lucidity

        Lucidity April 24, 2018, 6:19 pm

        I can’t believe the poor guy felt like he had to fund a spa day for her just so he could attend his friends’ wedding guilt-free.

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      • avatar

        carolann April 24, 2018, 7:04 pm

        Haha 😂 you guys are killin’ me today!

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    • avatar

      Kate April 24, 2018, 6:26 pm

      Yeah, though if I’m reading it right, he managed to thwart her attempt to drive him there (went with friends instead and she just dropped him at their house), so small price to pay to get to go to the wedding without surveillance.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse April 24, 2018, 6:16 pm

    So…why did you write to Wendy for advice in the first place?

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  • avatar

    Hannanas April 25, 2018, 3:17 am

    If the bride cares (and knows!) this much about the Ex’s feelings, then I’m pretty sure they are friends. Which would explain the whole reason why the Ex was still invited…

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  • avatar

    Ange April 25, 2018, 4:13 am

    LW you seem like such an easygoing, fun loving type of person and you could probably channel that into your ideal career as a mid level despot and/or death cult leader. Just remember: it’s not paranoia if they’re really plotting against you!

    Or, alternatively, get your head out of your arse and stop making someone else’s day about you, you selfish turdnugget. The sheer audacity to complain that people who don’t even know you should spend a bunch of money to invite you to their wedding just so you can play jailer, my god…

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    • Kate B.

      Kate B. April 25, 2018, 10:26 am

      Today’s secret word is “turdnugget”.

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  • avatar

    sarahbelle April 25, 2018, 9:58 am

    You were so over it and so ok with it that you did the 2 hour drive to his hometown, and got out and tied everyone’s ties because there was no one else to do that. That is the stuff that screams insecure gf (how many times did you text him during the ceremony and party my guess is alot). Then after the wedding he conveniently tells you that the groom was ok with you coming but it was the terrible bride that is friends with his ex that didnt want you there in her dastardly plan to lure him back to his ex. I think it might be you who is writing hilariously and not seeing the real truth.

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  • avatar

    Sarah April 25, 2018, 10:09 am

    “Soulmates and love at first sight” stuff is crap, BTW. And yes, I’m happily married. Marriage is work. This soulmates -Hollywood-fairytale crap gives people license to steal other people’s partners (because of course I should go after a married man, he can’t help that he got stuck marrying someone who isn’t his soulmate because he didn’t meet me first).

    And every person thinks THEY should be the one exception to the already-established-exclusive guest list, because what’s one more person?? (Multiply that by 100 and you’ve got 100 extra guests, BTW. Do the math.)

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  • avatar

    Bluejay April 25, 2018, 12:13 pm

    This letter reminds me of the one where the bride DID NOT WANT her father’s wife at the wedding and was told so. Instead of bowing out, the woman went out and purchased a wedding gift and spent hours thoughtfully gift wrapping it! She brought it to the public part of the venue and I think was chased away by the bride’s uncle. Some people don’t get it!

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  • avatar

    Lisa April 27, 2018, 4:52 am

    This writer sounds needy and very self centered. She made a huge deal over what was essentially nothing and I supsect made this guy sweat about it for months leading up to the wedding. The fact that she is so focused on the couple being okay with her coming and having no issue with adding one more is astoudning. This relationship is doomed to fail. Not because he wants anything to do with his ex but becuase of who the LW is.

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  • avatar

    Purpose May 1, 2018, 10:15 am

    LOL…actually, your follow-up is the real hilarious read. They *would* have made an exception for you, except the ex really isn’t over him so they *didn’t*. Hmm….wonder why people read into your story so much! 😉

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