It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Rape Survivor” who wondered how (and when) she should tell dates that she had been raped a year ago as a virgin.
Thanks so much for your advice and support; it relieved much of the anxiety I was having about revealing what had happened to me. The part where you reassured me that I don’t owe anyone an excuse for wanting to wait, and that I should only share it when I really trust him, was very helpful. After about 2 months into dating, I told him very casually over a drink that once I had been drugged and raped, but that I was okay. He was very caring and sensitive, and shared some personal information with me too. Despite having gotten that revelation out of the way, I was still anxious because I still hadn’t shared the most difficult part. The next time we went out, after returning to his place, I told him that I had been raped as a virgin and still hadn’t had consensual sex. I started crying because I was so overwhelmed and anxious about how he would react. He was extremely sensitive and sweet that night, and said all the right things. I was still worried that it would be the end of things, but now we have been dating for over 5 months. After about 3 months I was ready to have sex. I really trusted him because not once did he say anything that might make me feel pressured into doing anything, or like I had to explain myself for setting my own pace. Now, things are going great. I also feel like I took a big step in healing and can really put the rape behind me. Thanks so much!
Wonderful news! So glad you found a kind, caring and compassionate man to open up to and hopefully help you heal and trust a little bit.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.