It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Stunned By Baby News” whose boyfriend of eight months announced on social media that he was expecting a baby with his wife (whom he told the LW he was separated from). Find out in her update below whether she stayed with him.
I actually ended up sending a message to his wife explaining the situation and what he had told me about their relationship for those entire eight months. I was searching for my own answers, too.
I reached out to him and told him my thoughts and that we should end things. He sent me a long reply explaining that they were indeed not together and the timing was bad. They had tried to work on their marriage before we met, but it hadn’t worked out. She found out she was pregnant after he met me and he felt trapped by her, but they were not working on their marriage and I was the one he wanted.
That same weekend he wanted to prove to me that he was telling me the truth. He brought his kids to meet me. I again stupidly believed his story because what man would actually bring his children around another woman and be affectionate in front of them!? We had met up a few times together with his kids. Also, the wife’s lack of response led me to believe that she didn’t care and didn’t owe me a response.
Two months later (early December), the day after spending the entire day with him and his son for his son’s birthday, his wife finally messaged me back. She said that they were in fact still together. She had no idea he was seeing me for those 10 months — and actually still doesn’t think we were as serious as we were.
In the end I look like a homewrecker who has meant nothing to him and he has begged me to not tell her the full truth as he wants to keep his marriage and family together. I’m still torn.
Very hard lesson learned. Always trust your gut!
Thank you so much for your help. Seeing things from other peoples’ perspective actually brings you back to reality.
You’re still torn?! About what? As I said in my original response to you: “He doesn’t care about you; he just wanted to ride this side fling for as long as he could, especially as the responsibility of impending parenthood weighed down on him.” He never cared about you. He was using you for fun, to escape the responsibility of his family life. He’s a loser. The only thing you should feel “torn” about is why you waited so long to leave him.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at email@example.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
Miss MJ January 22, 2019, 1:51 pm
OMG, just stop, already. Leave his wife alone, block his number and MOA and never look back. You have nothing to gain by continuing to engage in any of this.
RedBlue January 22, 2019, 1:53 pm
See a therapist, work on your self esteem.
The fact that you needed to be hit over the head with a proverbial sledge hammer to see the truth and still doubt it is telling.
newbie January 22, 2019, 2:08 pm
I read that as she was torn whether or not to tell the wife all the details against his wishes?
Bittergaymark January 22, 2019, 2:23 pm
Eh… messengering his wife puts you squarely in the category of baby bunny boiling vindictive bitch… I remain confused as to exactly what you are confused about, LW…
saneinca January 22, 2019, 6:24 pm
Not really. She wanted to confirm the truth from the other party as opposed to what her so called BF is telling her. She is not harassing the wife.
I for one, am glad that the wife knows about her husband’s affair.
Bittergaymark January 23, 2019, 12:14 pm
Oh, please. She ALREADY knew the fucking truth.
LisforLeslie January 22, 2019, 2:44 pm
I think you need to take a hard look at yourself. Are you as foolish in other aspects of life?
anonymousse January 22, 2019, 2:57 pm
You have got to be willfully blind to keep going along with this. He’s an awful human being, husband and father, but you’re no picnic, either.
Don’t date men that are married. That’s a pretty easy rule to follow.
Essie January 22, 2019, 3:37 pm
“In the end I look like a homewrecker who has meant nothing to him ”
No, that’s not what you look like. That’s what you are. A homewrecker who means nothing to him.
” I again stupidly believed his story because what man would actually bring his children around another woman and be affectionate in front of them!?”
A sociopath. That’s what kind of man does that. A sociopath who doesn’t respect you, his wife, or his children, and would use them as props so he can keep his sidepiece on the hook.
” She said that they were in fact still together. She had no idea he was seeing me for those 10 months — and actually still doesn’t think we were as serious as we were.”
So he was lying to both of you. And he explained you away not by telling her he loved you, but by saying it wasn’t serious. In other words, he told her he was just using you for sex.
“he has begged me to not tell her the full truth as he wants to keep his marriage and family together.”
If you ever wondered whether you were more important to him than his wife, now you know. He wants you to lie, so he can keep his wife. He wants you to help keep his marriage together. Still think you mean something to him beyond a convenient source of on-the-side sex?
“I’m still torn.”
I hope you mean you’re torn about telling his wife, not about continuing to see him.
And no, you shouldn’t tell her. What would you say? That he told you he loved you for 10 months? She’s not going to believe you. He’s already told her he wasn’t serious about you. He’s going to tell her you’re a crazy bitch who became obsessed with him after he slept with you.
And what would telling her accomplish, other than hurting her more than he’s already hurt her? You want to punish her for…what? Being married to the man whose lies you fell for?
for_cutie January 23, 2019, 11:43 am
saneinca January 23, 2019, 1:59 pm
Whatever might be the LW’s motivation, I think it is a good thing for the wife to be aware of the extent of her husband’s duplicity.
Northern Star January 23, 2019, 2:39 pm
What else is there for the wife to be aware of? She knows her husband is screwing another woman. She has the email. Whereas the LW swallowed everything this guy said to her after she found out he impregnated his NOT-so-separated wife. And the LW STILL—right now—thinks she was building a serious relationship with the guy, for crying out loud. There’s really nothing to tell the wife. She is probably more clued in than the gullible and stupid LW.
saneinca January 23, 2019, 5:02 pm
Well the wife thought the affair was not serious in her response. Which is why I said the ‘extent of duplicity’ where he used his children to allay the LW’s fears.
ron January 23, 2019, 6:38 pm
Which means the wife knows her husband commonly gulls overly credulous women into being the side chick. He always comes home and has no emotional attachments to his side chicks, so she has accepted this behavior. What shines through LW’s response is her hurt and determination to prove that she really meant a hell of a lot to this dude and that she was more important to him than his wife is. She knows she was lied to, she knows he’s going back to his wife, she knows he’s an asshole, but her pride requires that he was more emotionally attached to her than to his wife. She wants to convince the wife that she was his #1 woman.
Skyblossom January 23, 2019, 3:19 pm
“I actually ended up sending a message to his wife explaining the situation and what he had told me about their relationship for those entire eight months. I was searching for my own answers, too.”
You know how he convinced you that he wasn’t really married even though he was living with his wife? If she showed him your message he explained that you were some crazy lady that wanted him and that you were trying to break up their marriage but she had nothing to worry about because he wasn’t interested. He convinced her that there was no relationship with you.
In the future, assume that any man who is still living with his wife and kids is indeed married and is looking to cheat. If a man who is still living with his wife wants to get involved with you tell him that when he is single, meaning no longer living with his wife, if you aren’t seeing someone else you’ll consider dating him. Better yet, wait to date him until he is not only not living with his wife but has legally filed for divorced.
Face it, you are the woman who had an affair with a married man. You knew he lived with his wife and kids but you wanted to believe he wasn’t really married.
ron January 23, 2019, 4:11 pm
Well, in fairness to LW, she didn’t know that he was living with his wife and kids. In the original letter, she says bf and wife were still married but had been separated for a year. In follow-up she also says they were separated. He can have kids for a day without living with wife and kids. She is either very gullible or wanted to believe what suited her purpose. That the kids weren’t surprised by their father being affectionate to her in their presence likely means LW isn’t the only gf on the side that this guy has.
allathian January 25, 2019, 2:15 am
Time to move on. He’s an asshole and a dickhead. For whatever reason, his wife has accepted that her husband is a philandering bastard. And if the kids didn’t react when they saw their father kissing and hugging a woman who wasn’t their mom, that’s their normal and you can be sure that you’re not the only woman he’s been seeing.
Take your lesson from this and don’t date married men. If I was single, I wouldn’t date a man until his divorce was final, but that’s just me and YMMV.