It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Tired of Denying My Bisexual Desires,” a bisexual woman who was considering marrying her boyfriend of six years but worried about never being able to be with a woman again. “Should I just suck it up and deny who and what I am? I know that there are sacrifices and compromises in every relationship, so does this fall under that category, or am I kidding myself to think this is something I can just turn off?” After the jump, find out how she’s doing today.
I realized that I indeed had to “come out” to him because even though he knew about my sexuality, I presented it to him the way that I have culturally been taught to deal with my bisexuality: giggling and joking of threesomes and basically making my sexuality about him in the hopes that he would allow me to express it. I realized that this was wrong on many levels and that I was misrepresenting myself all the way around. Seeing the hateful things people said where I was basically being called a slut and even called a cheater threw me into a tailspin. I ended up feeling hopeless and eventually suicidal, especially when I spoke to a few women who I knew identified as bisexual. Every. Single. One. Told me that they got with women on the side or lived as a shade of their true selves. Same story for the ones in same-sex relationships. I have no problem with couples who are polyamorous, but its just not for me, and that’s why I’ve always struggled with this.
This is not just something I need to spice up my sex life or make up for what I’m missing just being with one person; This is not even really about sex. When I said I didn’t feel fulfilled what I meant by that is not feeling fulfilled AS A HUMAN BEING. If your sexuality is not important and just something you should ignore or pretend doesn’t exist for someone else’s benefit then please go be a monk and stop trying to define what is acceptable based on your own view of love, relationships, sex, etc. That would be like me saying that because I am bisexual, I am the ultimate authority on bisexuality and I believe if you aren’t expressing it you’re living a lie.
The most hateful things I read actually came from women who identified as bisexual. I even read that I need to decide once and for all what sex I want to be with! If there are other bisexual girls that read this, please don’t do what I did. I wrote here before I spoke to anyone — even my therapist (yes, I have one for those that said I needed mental help), and it left me completely vulnerable as I imagined that my loved ones would’ve said the same things.
But you know what happened down the line when, after a deep depression and a hospitalization, I finally DID speak to my loved ones? They were so loving and understanding and knew me well enough to know that I’m not some insatiable slut who cant be in a relationship (this was important because I had been told so long that that’s what my sexuality meant that I had started to believe it), that loving someone is not denying who you are for them, and that they accept me no matter what! You know what happened when I finally found the courage to ‘come out’ to my boyfriend? He showed me what a real man is. It wasn’t easy at first and we went to therapy together a few times cause it was just so hard to tell him and so so important that he understand the reality of this and that it is a reality for me no matter what happened between us. I didn’t even know what I really needed to be fulfilled in this regard and just being able to openly talk about it with him helped us both to figure it out. Together.
Now I am happy to say that the whole thing brought us closer and has made us stronger than ever and we have now been married for two months! He still says that he wouldn’t be okay with a threesome, which is fine, though I think that might change with the right person/situation, but he is alright with me having a friendship with a sexual aspect with another woman in the same situation — married or in a longterm relationship with a partner who doesn’t need to share her sexuality. I realized that it would never be a good experience for me if it hurt him in any way, so I’ve decided to take it slow and just start with maybe a make-out session and see how that goes.
That’s all I have to report for now and I would like to thank you, Wendy, and all the commenters as well. Even the hurtful ones helped me in the long run cause eventually I could laugh and know that what they say doesn’t define me.
Thank you for your update and congratulations on your marriage. Best of luck and many years of happiness to you both!
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.