It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “What Happened?” who wrote in last week about the guy she met at a conference who told her he loved her after a week of corresponding, talked with her every day for nine months, and then suddenly told her he needed space. “He said a lot of people were telling him not to talk to a girl who lives a few hours away — that I was distracting him. A week ago I saw him at another event and we were able to casually talk. It was really nice. I thought about asking him to coffee. Is that a wise decision?”
Of course, I told her it was not a wise decision. But did she listen? Find out in her update below.
You say you feel like you have “closure,” but your whole update, especially with the many exclamation marks, sounds like you’re exited about the renewed potential this unexpected intel has created. But, listen, it all sounds pretty bad. The guy had one relationship and was hurt badly? Yeah, so were like 90% of people over the age of 20. He didn’t have feelings for anyone in a long time and that’s why he confessed his love to you after a week of chatting online? That isn’t normal and it isn’t healthy, and it’s still a huge, giant red flag. Finally, his sister has so much influence on him that she can tell him not to pursue a long-distance relationship and, after nine months of talking, he just drops you with no explanation at all? Not cool. Oh, and also: “worship team.”
These are all warning signs that I hope you will heed. Each one is enough of a red flag to stay away, but all combined, you’re really looking at a disaster in the making if you pursue this guy. If you’re going to take just one lesson from this, though, let it be this: If a guy ever uses the fact that he was hurt badly in a previous relationship to excuse his stunted emotional development, his inability to treat someone with respect, or his fear of commitment, RUN!
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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