Dear Wendy
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This is too big of a red flag to ignore. He is sexist, disrespectful, and gaslight-y. You should break up with him. But you should also be proud of yourself for recognizing a red flag and letting it guide you out of what could potentially be an unsatisfying and painful path if you stayed with your boyfriend.
I’m curious what the “healthy masculinity” pages are that he follows. In general though, this sounds like a yellow flag. Proceed, but with caution.
I agree with everything Tui says, especially this part: if you’ve been living with your mother rent-free in exchange to helping with maintenance and upkeep, then your brother (and possible your mother) probably already consider that a fair exchange with nothing owed to you to balance the mutual benefits.
Have you two even met in person? Everything you’ve said about your relationship is among the hallmarks of a really unhealthy and potentially dangerous dynamic. The controlling behavior is not a sign of love; it’s the sign of someone who is deeply troubled and flawed and not at all good boyfriend material let along husband material.
There is no salvaging a relationship with someone who would demand you tell him every time you leave your house and with whom you’re going out. There’s no relationship if there is no trust and there’s no relationship if you’ve never actually met in person and there’s no relationship with someone who wants to possess you – who sees you as an object and ignores your humanity. I would urge you to block this person, move on with your life, and avoid starting relationships with anyone you haven’t had the chance to spend quality in-person time with.
I didn’t get all the way through this letter. I got everything I needed by your second paragraph where you write: “The relationship has been all bad from the start.” I skimmed the sixteen or so paragraphs after that and everything I read affirmed that this is a terrible relationship. You said you know you need to leave your boyfriend. I’m not sure what advice you’re looking for. HOW to leave him? How to deal with hard things? How to do something that’s hard without it feeling bad?
I mean, the truth is, sometimes things are hard and they suck and you feel bad for a while. That doesn’t mean you should avoid doing the hard thing. You do it anyway and accept that you’re going to feel sad or lonely or resentful or whatever for a little bit. It won’t kill you. You can do something each day that will help you feel a little less sad or lonely, like make plans with friends, move your body, get out in nature, eat nourishing foods, read something enjoyable, watch a favorite movie, the list is endless, really. Do something every day to help you feel a little better and in time – a couple months, maybe, by the first signs of spring – you will start feeling better without the outside stimuli and prompts.
Eventually, the bad feelings will be in the past and you will thank yourself for getting out of a sad, lonely relationship that left you feeling resentful and upset so that you could open your self to activities and people who have the opposite effect on you. There’s no secret tip or advice for speeding through the period you have to get through to get there. You just put one foot in front of the other until you’re on the other side. It’s the same thing that will get you through all the hard stuff you’ll be faced with in life. One foot in front of the other, you can do it.
Thank you, Miss Mj! I wish I could say he’s healing well and he’s on the road to a full recovery but that’s not quite the case at the moment. Going to see his surgeon tomorrow for a follow-up and hoping for some answers to our questions then.
CG, I loved hearing Laura Lynn Jackson speak. It was a really uplifting evening and I left feeling affirmed in my belief that we are all beams of light in bodies and that when our bodies die, our souls continue on, and we remain connected to loved ones who have passed and they send us signs that we can see if we’re receptive and open.
Thanks, CG. It was actually author Laura Lynne Jackson, author of “Signs” and “The Light Between Us” whom I saw. She didn’t do a reading for me; it was an interview I had a ticket to see. Now I have to look up who this Victoria is!
Thanks for the Tik Tok name, Copa!
Copa, who was the Tik tok gal who mentioned Dear Wendy? A couple weeks ago, there were two or three old columns that I posted on FB over the course of ten days or so that really riled ppl up. I haven’t had so many people call me terrible things since like 2014 before the first mass exodus of DW commenters. I wonder if the Tik Tok gal chose one of those columns (I’m betting yes).
It’s funny, because I pick a few old columns every day to edit and get ready to post on Fb (and posting there once a day gets me thousands and thousands of views here, so it’s worth my time!). Sometimes the advice I gave ten years ago is so different than what I would say now. I usually will re-write my advice to better reflect the wisdom I’ve gained and how the culture has changed, but sometimes there are still some columns, even after I edit, that don’t pass the vibe check, I guess, especially with Gen Z. 🥴
Happy belated, KTFran!
Hi, everyone! I’ve been absent this week because of a medical emergency I wrote about here, if you missed it:
https://dearwendy.com/weekend-open-thread/Hope everyone who has been sick is feeling better. There is SO MUCH going around right now. The ER we went to was just absolutely jam-packed with sick people (and nowhere near enough space/gurney/beds/chairs for everyone). I feel like if more people saw what’s going on in hospitals right now, maybe offices and schools and such wouldn’t be so cavalier about illness and would support people staying home and resting when they are sick. Relatedly, I have been hearing more sirens in my part of Brooklyn than I have since 2020.
From the LW:
“
Thank you, thank you thank youThings had gotten even worse since I’d been home so I’m grateful that everyone has been so unanimous in the advice
My own family have been very much like – trying to make excuses /give him benefit of the doubt – which has really made me feel a bit unsupported and tbh is probably big part of why I ignore red flags myself so much – but this whole episode has made me feel like, well basically what everyone else has said
Unfortunately are living together, and as it is my house I need to somehow make him leave – I’m not sure how to do this but I might give the family violence division at the local police a call. Obviously not trying to press charges over anything (no crime been committed) but hopefully they can help me.
Thank you very much. ”
