Forum Replies Created
March 13, 2023 at 7:24 pm in reply to: Who were the “victims” of my father’s patch back in the 1990s? #1119142
Did you have a question, Hunter?March 12, 2023 at 11:53 am in reply to: Anxiety when my boyfriend goes out #1119123
Listen, life is hard. You move in with someone, maybe get married, spend a life together and shit is gonna be hard at some points. You’re going to have work stress, family crises, loss and grief. Those are pretty much given and don’t even account for unexpected traumas. You want someone by your side you can TRUST. Someone you can depend on and lean on and know will have your back. What you don’t want is someone who adds to life challenges on a consistent basis, and that’s what this guy does. And you don’t even live together yet! You’re still long distance. It’s not supposed to be this hard at this point. This is the easy part of the relationship – the beginning, while you’re still in the honeymoon period. Your honeymoon period sounds terrible. All the anxiety and stress! Good, healthy relationships with partners who are the right match for you don’t feel like this. They feel good and safe and affirming.
I know it’s hard to fathom, but you can be a lot happier without this guy than you are with him. I promise.March 12, 2023 at 11:27 am in reply to: Should I end things for good with my girlfriend and move out? #1119119
Yes, please end things with her 100% and move back in with your parents. Your relationship has run its course and is becoming increasingly toxic. It’s depleting you of your energy and even any positive feelings towards this person you say you love. It sounds like it’s expensive to be in this relationship too (when you could live at home potentially rent-free, quit your jobs, and focus on school until your graduate).
Not all relationships are meant to last. In fact, most aren’t. Especially at your age. It’s not a failure to end this one and move on. It’s smart and proactive and wide to leave a situation that no longer serves you and one that you can’t see a happy future in on the track you’re currently on. Who knows – maybe one day you will try again. But you both need your own space and to take care of yourselves, outside the demands of a challenging relationship. It will hurt, but you won’t regret prioritizing your well-being.March 12, 2023 at 6:41 am in reply to: I like my best friend of 5 years #1119112
Be honest with her and tell her that you’ve been feeling more than just friendship feelings for her but you’ve been hesitant to say anything or to act on them because you weren’t sure how she felt and you like your friendship so much, you didn’t want to say anything that might change it. But the reason you’re saying something now is because the feelings haven’t gone away – they’re only getting stronger and you know if you didn’t say something, you’d always wonder ‘what if?’.
Here’s the thing: you admitting your true feelings to your friend *might* change the friendship, but you not admitting your feelings to her is bound to change the friendship as well. Friendships evolve and change – through circumstances and feelings. Your friendship right now is running along under a pretense – the pretense being that you are strictly platonic friends. But your feelings are not strictly platonic, and that makes the friendship less authentic. At some point – sooner than you probably realize – the inauthenticity of your relationship is going to change how the friendship functions. You probably already suspect that possibility and that’s why you’re feeling more and more like you want to say something – like you want to have some control in when and how the friendship changes.
So, take control. Tell your friend what your true feelings are and know that if/when your friendship changes – and it may change in positive ways! – it’s changing because it’s becoming more authentic. Authenticity may not always get you exactly what you want right away; but it will always serve you longterm needs better than hiding your true feelings.March 11, 2023 at 1:03 pm in reply to: “Is My Relationship Worth The Stress It Causes me?” #1119105
When someone tells you the truth about who they are, what they want, or what they’re looking for, you have to listen to them, even if it is painful and not what you want to hear. Your boyfriend has told you in multiple ways, he is not ready to commit to you the way you want. You should not settle for less than what you’re looking for. Right now, your desires are not a match, and I don’t foresee happiness for you if you continue staying I this relationship hoping it turns into the kind of commitment you want.March 9, 2023 at 9:53 am in reply to: “He Wants to Get Back With His Ex” #1119068
If you’re planning on disappearing from his life anyway if/when he is back with his ex (or with someone else) and if your friendship is, for you, really contingent on the possibility of a relationship, then I don’t see what you have to lose by telling him how you feel about him. Two things will happen: he will return the feelings (either immediately, or perhaps gradually once you put yourself on his radar “in that way”); or, he will not return the feelings and you can disappear from his life as you were planning to anyway, knowing that you at least tried and it wasn’t meant to be.March 7, 2023 at 9:19 am in reply to: Dating seems hard these days #1119036
I guess you have no choice but to develop some conversation skills and personality rather than expect women to just magically smile when you bump into them.March 6, 2023 at 11:14 am in reply to: “Is My Boyfriend of 11 Years Still With His Ex-Wife?” #1118999
Yes, he’s still with his wife. Wife, not ex-wife.March 4, 2023 at 12:53 pm in reply to: Dated a divorced guy and he doesn’t treat me that nice #1118958
This is very similar to another letter in the forums this week:
At least in the other letter the guy seemed to treat the woman nice enough. Your dude isn’t even nice to you. There’s no future for you in this relationship. It’s just sex and you’re clear that you want an emotional connection and the dude is clear that he doesn’t. The sex may feel good physically but it’s leaving you emotionally unsatisfied, and the more you keep sleeping with the guy, the more emotionally unsatisfied you’ll feel. Beyond that, it’s affecting your self-esteem. You’re beginning to wonder what it is about YOU that he doesn’t want more than just sex from you. But it’s not about you; it’s about him. To be emotionally invested in someone requires some effort and he doesn’t want to make the effort. This is not a reflection on you. But since you aren’t in the headspace to see that clearly, it’s really imperative that you move on from this guy. Delete and block his number and don’t sleep with someone again unless you are sure you only want sex or the guy has truly invested in an emotional connection with you.March 2, 2023 at 7:50 pm in reply to: “Can you field one more ‘plus 1’ question?” #1118931
Since you’ve been best friends with your BFF for 41 years, if I were you, I might make a casual mention about the exclusion of your boyfriend the next time you talk to her. It could be along the lines of, “I got “Jane’s” invitation in the mail and I’m so excited to attend her wedding. I didn’t get a plus 1 but I think “Hank” will come to Canada with me anyway and we’ll make a long weekend of it. He can find something to do while I’m at the wedding.” Then, your friend can choose to address the issue of the no plus one or not address it. The truth is, you don’t know for sure why your boyfriend wasn’t invited; you’re only speculating. And my hunch is that YOU are the one who is most hurt by the exclusion and not your boyfriend.
In any event, neither you nor your boyfriend should take this personally. Clearly, your BFF isn;t in a good place right now, and whatever bitterness she feels is not directed toward you even though you believe you are receiving some of it. This wedding is one day — one day in your life, one day in the life of your relationships, and one day in what has been a 41 year friendship. Don’t let one day — one perceived slight — create more drama than it’s worth. Your boyfriend can still accompany you to Canada and you can still enjoy a long weekend there together. Surely, he can busy himself with something while you’re at the wedding, and you’ll know enough people there to have a good time without him. For the good of your friendship and your relationship with this woman who has been like a niece to you, try to bury your resentment at least until your BFF is in a better place emotionally.March 2, 2023 at 8:40 am in reply to: “Should I Stop Seeing My FWB?” #1118915
What he means is this: He can tell that you have feelings for him more than just someone to have sex with. He is picking up on the vibe that you’d like an actual relationship with him, and that isn’t what he wants. He likes you and maybe even respects you, which is why he doesn’t want to take advantage of you. He knows he doesnt’ want what you want and he doesn’t want to lead you on so he’s telling you that you should probably stop having sex. I agree with him. I think you should move on before you get hurt.March 2, 2023 at 8:03 am in reply to: Ignoring and insults #1118911
Hi, I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling. You need and deserve help, and I’m afraid that while this community is full of wise, thoughtful people who are great listeners and give good advice, we’re not qualified to give the kind of support you need. If you’re in the US, you can call the national suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255. There, trained individuals will be able to get you on the right path toward getting the support you need and deserve. We’re wishing you really well!