Listen, life is hard. You move in with someone, maybe get married, spend a life together and shit is gonna be hard at some points. You’re going to have work stress, family crises, loss and grief. Those are pretty much given and don’t even account for unexpected traumas. You want someone by your side you can TRUST. Someone you can depend on and lean on and know will have your back. What you don’t want is someone who adds to life challenges on a consistent basis, and that’s what this guy does. And you don’t even live together yet! You’re still long distance. It’s not supposed to be this hard at this point. This is the easy part of the relationship – the beginning, while you’re still in the honeymoon period. Your honeymoon period sounds terrible. All the anxiety and stress! Good, healthy relationships with partners who are the right match for you don’t feel like this. They feel good and safe and affirming.

I know it’s hard to fathom, but you can be a lot happier without this guy than you are with him. I promise.

Be honest with her and tell her that you’ve been feeling more than just friendship feelings for her but you’ve been hesitant to say anything or to act on them because you weren’t sure how she felt and you like your friendship so much, you didn’t want to say anything that might change it. But the reason you’re saying something now is because the feelings haven’t gone away – they’re only getting stronger and you know if you didn’t say something, you’d always wonder ‘what if?’.

Here’s the thing: you admitting your true feelings to your friend *might* change the friendship, but you not admitting your feelings to her is bound to change the friendship as well. Friendships evolve and change – through circumstances and feelings. Your friendship right now is running along under a pretense – the pretense being that you are strictly platonic friends. But your feelings are not strictly platonic, and that makes the friendship less authentic. At some point – sooner than you probably realize – the inauthenticity of your relationship is going to change how the friendship functions. You probably already suspect that possibility and that’s why you’re feeling more and more like you want to say something – like you want to have some control in when and how the friendship changes.

So, take control. Tell your friend what your true feelings are and know that if/when your friendship changes – and it may change in positive ways! – it’s changing because it’s becoming more authentic. Authenticity may not always get you exactly what you want right away; but it will always serve you longterm needs better than hiding your true feelings.

Hi, I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling. You need and deserve help, and I’m afraid that while this community is full of wise, thoughtful people who are great listeners and give good advice, we’re not qualified to give the kind of support you need. If you’re in the US, you can call the national suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255. There, trained individuals will be able to get you on the right path toward getting the support you need and deserve. We’re wishing you really well!