Dear Wendy

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Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 793 total)
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    November 1, 2023 at 10:59 am #1126456

    No, there is not a happy future with someone who not only lies to you but lies about something so important like finances. Marrying him and tying yourself to him legally and financially could really ruin your future if he’s as irresponsible with money as it seems. You risk so much continuing a relationship with someone like this.

    I can imagine the idea of breaking an engagement and ending a 10-year relationship is a daunting one. Maybe a few sessions with a therapist could be helpful if you’re struggling with this decision. This is also a good time to lean on your support system – friends and family who care about your well-being.

    Even if you don’t feel ready to walk away from the relationship for good, please at least put the marriage talk on hold and take steps to protect your finances and your credit score.

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    October 25, 2023 at 5:10 pm #1126396

    I’m using the same thing you are, Moneypenny – tretinoin, 0.025%. I haven’t experienced any side effects from it so far (it’s been four weeks). Depending on how things go, I might be interested in trying the next higher dose.

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    October 25, 2023 at 11:40 am #1126390

    I have melanoma too – haven’t been diagnosed but I have the appearance of it – so I am hoping the retinol helps with that as well. I hadn’t considered getting a prescription for it until the dr in the clinical trial suggested it as a way to combat the breakouts I was having over the summer from the alopecia medicine. Now I’m wondering if it’s the holy grail of skincare and I’m excited to see how my complexion might improve over the coming months.

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    October 25, 2023 at 6:04 am #1126383

    I know we’ve discussed the importance of retinol products in one’s skin care regimen. Does anyone use prescription retinol? The medication I’ve been taking for the alopecia clinical trial I’m in made me break out a bit over the summer, an issue I’ve bene lucky to never really have to deal with. I got a Rx for retinol and have been using it for a month now. The break-out cleared up immediately and I was told within three months I would also notice more even skin tone, smaller pores, and a reduction in fine lines. Even after just a month, I can see subtle hints of these things. Rx retinol wasn’t really on my radar, so this has been kind of an unexpected surprise (which helps make up for he alopecia medication not working well for me, I guess).

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    October 24, 2023 at 7:15 am #1126363

    “Dante, I love you and greatly value our friendship and want you in my life as much as availability allows. Lately, I’ve not felt comfortable supporting your relationship with Trevor and while you are always welcome in our home and while I hope we can continue the one-on-one time I feel really lucky to get to have with you, I don’t want to spend time with Trevor. It hurts to see how he treats you, and his behavior isn’t something I want in front of my son. I want you to know that going forward, when I extend invitations to you for get-togethers I’m hosting, the invitation is for you only and I hope you will accept it and know that my not extending an invitation to Trevor isn’t a reflection of diminished love for or acceptance of you; it’s the opposite. You’re my best friend and I want what’s best for you and that includes a relationship where you are treated with respect and love and dignity.”

    I wouldn’t even mention the jokes as I would hope this sample script would put a stop to them but if they don’t, then you can either continue ignoring them or ask him in a separate note or conversation to stop making jokes about how he’s being mistreated.

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    October 16, 2023 at 4:40 pm #1126270

    I think rather than try to force a more intimate relationship with your boyfriend’s brothers than they seem interested in, you would be better off focusing your energy on managing your expectations and getting your emotional needs met where reciprocity is available and offered. It sounds like you are longing for family-type people in your life and that makes sense, but you’re looking in the wrong place. Creating your family isn’t about partnering with someone and taking on their family as your own. I mean, it *can* be that, but more often, it’s about cultivating a group of people over years who uplift you and support you and challenge you to expand your thoughts and, in general, enrich your life. Your boyfriend’s brothers aren’t enriching your life. You’ve seen no really glimmer that that’s an option at the moment. Quit putting energy there and put energy into making some real friends. You can build bonds with friends that can eventually feel familial, and you have a much better chance building such bonds with people who want that, too. Boyfriend’s brothers aren’t that.

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    October 10, 2023 at 8:48 am #1126070

    https://dearwendy.com/__trashed-2/

    You deserved to have been assured at every opportunity how separate you are from your biological father and how little his genes have to do with who you are. His only contribution to who you are is some DNA, and that’s not what makes a person. You are not denying anyone the totality of who you are as a person by withholding details of your conception. It has nothing to do with who you are, and it’s no one else’s business; you’re under zero obligation to share this information – not before you have sex with someone and not after. The girlfriend who left you after you told her and who said that you should have told her sooner was cruel and immature and showed a poor level of empathy, even for a high school kid. I’m sorry that happened to you.

    If you want to give women a reason for waiting a while for sex, you can address the topic without sharing such intimate family details early on. This is ultimately a trust issue and you can say: “I know I may wait longer than you might expect or want, but please know it isn’t because I don’t want it. But building up trust first is really important to me and I’m enjoying doing that with you.” Not only would any woman you’d want to date seriously understand and appreciate it, I think it would even turn many of them on.

    I would not share the details of your conception until you have lots and lots of trust built with someone first. I don’t know how long that would take. I would think at least a few months. It might not happen until long after you have sex. It doesn’t matter – it’s entirely your decision about when or even whether to share this information, and having sex should not be contingent on it.

    You’re right to think that sharing the details of your conception this early on could scare someone off, but maybe not for the reason you think. It’s not because of your genes, but because sharing something so intimate and personal before trust is built-up is a little bit of a red flag. It comes across as desiring to push the relationship forward at an accelerated pace, and that can be a turn-off to a lot of people – especially well-adjusted ones.

    If it’s in your budget, I would highly recommend working threw off of this including your mother’s death, with a professional counselor or therapist. There’s a lot to unpack, and so much of it is related to your perception of yourself and how you identify. Getting a tighter grip on those things will make you more attractive to potential partners and better-equipped to navigate and foster healthy relationships going forward.

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    October 2, 2023 at 8:47 am #1125814

    My friend’s father died suddenly a few weeks ago. I sent her texts that didn’t require anything from her in return (I didn’t ask questions from her to answer; I just sent her messages that I was thinking of her). Because I wanted to send flowers and bc there were a couple other logistical questions I had, I reached out to her husband, who replied quickly. a couple weeks later, when my friend had had a little time to absorb the shock, she called me and said she really appreciated that I let her know I was there for her without requiring anything.

    When people are in shock or are under a lot of stress, it’s best to do the things you can do that don’t require anything from them at all. if you need information, reach out to someone close to your friend, but don’t put any emotional labor on her, even if it’s a simple question that you think she could answer quickly. Even simply questions can feel overwhelming in an emotionally charged and physically draining situation.

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    October 2, 2023 at 8:41 am #1125813

    You doing the right thing moving on. Good luck!

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    September 23, 2023 at 7:13 am #1125610

    You don’t need to be supportive OR tell your friend to stop speaking to this guy (and unless she’s asking for your advice, it’s not your place to tell her how to conduct her relationships). Try to be a neutral observer who neither applauds nor trashes the guy’s behavior, and when your friend starts discussing him more than you can comfortably tolerate, tell her you’re ready to change the topic. You can set boundaries without trash-talking the guy. You’re allowed to say: “It’s been hard as a friend hearing about how hurt you’ve been by this guy’s behavior, but if you’re happy right now, I am happy for you. At the same time, I don’t want to continue hearing about hurtful things he does if you have no interest in getting out of the relationship. As a close friend, I don’t know what to say in response without sounding like I don’t support the relationship.”

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    September 23, 2023 at 7:06 am #1125609

    Hi, your mom is going to continue exploring whatever good will is left among your family members until she has burned all bridges and her relationship with everyone is shot. One way you can save her and everyone else from this fate is doing what should have been done ages ago and it’s this: say ‘no.’ When everyone tells her no, she can’t stay with them for half the year and needs to find a second home to live in when she wants to be in town, she will really have no choice but to finally change her behavior. But as long as someone – anyone – is saying yes, no matter how begrudgingly and no matter how much of an inconvenience she is, she will keep crashing where she has outstayed her welcome.

    You write: “There’s just no nice way to say that we’ve all had it but, we’ve all had it.” The problem is that you’ve been too focused on being nice. And where has that got you? It hurt relationships with a large number of your family members – probably the thing you were hoping to avoid by being “nice.” Stop being nice, and be kind instead. Kindness is when you think of people’s best interest, and it’s in everyone’s best interest that your mother (and sister) get a home of their own. And they’ve proven that that is a last resort after everyone else tells them “no.”

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    September 18, 2023 at 12:39 pm #1125530

    Sounds like a leopard who has not changes his spots.

Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 793 total)