Dear Wendy
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Why take your husband-to-be’s last name at all? Why not just switch your name back to your maiden name and call it a day? You already said you don’t like your husband’s last name and don’t like the way it sounds with your first name, so why are you even thinking about taking it? To appease your husband? I’m sorry, but fuck that shit. It’s fucking 2017 — if he wants you to have the same last name, he can take your name. Why does it always have to be the women who changes names? You saw how well that worked the first time you did it, so why on earth would you want to do it again?
I’d really consider this a serious red flag, to be honest. Your dude sounds like a dick. If he’s unsupportive about what name you choose for yourself, what else is he going to be upsupportive and misogynistic about?
I’d give it maybe 2-3 more months to see if he actually puts his words into actions and tries to get you off, and if he doesn’t show some real honest interest and effort on that front, MOA. Six months is more than enough time to explore some alternative ways to please a woman if he’s having some issues with his plumbing.
Honestly, I think him trying to guilt you into having postpartum sex with him before a doctor’s ok is divorce level fucked-upness. Everything else you’re talking about is a nail in the coffin.
Because you’re being manipulated. And gaslighted. And not just by your husband, but by his mother, too. This is not good. This is really serious. This is divorce-level fucked-upness.
Woah, your husband sounds emotionally abusive. I’m very concerned for you. To get mad at your for not breaking the no-sex for the first six weeks after labor rule? Absolutely disgusting. Abusive. Everything you say about him is really alarming. All of it. I know you said he’s a good father, but he’s not. He’s not a good father, and he is most certainly not a good partner. A good father wouldn’t have planned a first birthday party that his child’s mother didn’t even know about. What else is he going to plan without your knowledge? This is really serious!
If a friend of mine were telling me the things you’ve shared here, I would be doing everything I could to get her out of that home and in a safe place. This is not some minor issue where you’re feeling frustrated that your husband is oblivious to the invisible work you do. This is much, much worse than that. He is manipulating you, lying to you, and making unilateral decisions about your child, that greatly affect his well-being now and in the future.
Please, please get professional help. Get thee to a therapist. And it wouldn’t hurt to speak to a family attorney to learn about your rights as a mother, and how to get your ducks in a row should you decide to pursue a divorce.
Yes on the baby boomers having so much stuff. I get really stressed out thinking about the work I’ll have on my hands one day if my parents don’t downsize while they’re still somewhat able-bodied and of sound mind. Ugh.
Cute, Dre! You look gorgeous and happy (and he’s not so bad either)!
Drew and I saw each other an average of maybe every three weeks — usually just for 2-3 nights each visit — over the course of 16 months or so. The longest stretch of time we ever spent together before I moved was one week. Sometimes you gotta just take a leap of faith. I think regular visits (and I count every-other month as regular) over more than a year is pretty substantial. Substantial enough to know for sure that you’re a perfect match and that your relationship will work out forever? No. But even seeing each other every day for three years wouldnt answer that.
I wasn’t sure I wanted kids. I *thought* I did, but I wasn’t like a lot of people where it felt like I was called to be a mom and I would do whatever it took to make that happen. I got pregnant easily, so I’ll never know if I would have become someone who pursued fertility treatments and/or adoption to become a mom. I know that I was perfectly happy without kids, had a fulfilling life, and felt — and talked about — being happy even if I didn’t have kids. I still feel that way, but of course, it’s hard to say what one would have felt on a different path.
I’m glad I had kids, but I don’t think it’s for everyone, and I never question why someone wouldn’t want to have kids. In fact, I often question why people DO want to have kids!
I hope you get some clarity, and that whatever you decide, you feel peace at what happens.
To lend some insight about why a guy would fade out when he’d been so demonstrative/expressive about his positive feelings, (i.e. saying stuff like “I really like you” and “We’re so great together”): I think a lot of times, in situations like that, the guy is trying to talk himself into the relationship. Like, he recognizes that you’re a great catch and he DOES like you, and he WANTS to feel that spark, so he keeps saying outloud — to you, but really for his own benefit — that you’re awesome, you’re amazing. What you aren’t hearing is the unsaid second half of that comment: “So… why am I feeling hesitant?”
I know that doesn’t make the ghosting suck any less, and of course, it makes things confusing, because how do you know when to trust when someone is making those comments, right? In my experience — and I know this isn’t the case for everyone — when someone is making those kinds of comments early on (like within the few dates), things usually fizzle pretty fast. It’s the guys who have waited until we’ve had some time to get to know each other (like, at least a few weeks) who are most genuine with the “you’re so great” comments.
Spacey, when are you due again?
When I was 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby, I wasn’t feeling at all well and Drew declined to even go uptown to Yom Kippur services with his dad. Good thing, as a few hours later, we had a baby. My labor, from first contraction to holding the baby in my arms, was three hours long. We *barely* made it to the hospital in time. Yes, babies come early and they can come fast! Why risk missing this event — or making your wife so stressed out about you missing it that her blood pressure goes up and labor is induced? Of course, no one wants to miss a loved one’s wedding, but your pregnant wife’s well-being and the off-chance that she might actually go into labor should be more important.
