Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Akeath

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  • in reply to: I am a cheater #1047057
    avatarAkeath
    Participant

    I want to add the caveat that some of his issues with hygiene and his over dependence on you could be the result of clinical depression. In which case you may want to strongly encourage him to get in the care of a psychiatrist/psychologist. In that case he likely needs treatment, and you won’t be able to provide that. Just like if his arm were broken you would bring him to a doctor, if you think he’s depressed or has other mental health he should be in a doctor’s care. If you are really worried you may want to give his friends or family a heads up that he may be needing some support before breaking it off with him that might be good too.

    in reply to: I am a cheater #1046755
    avatarAkeath
    Participant

    Your boyfriend sounds like he has always had a parent or girlfriend to take care of him and mother him, so he’s never learned the basics of taking care of himself. The best thing you could do for him is break up, move out, and stop enabling that. He needs to live by himself and deal with the consequences of his own actions. Only then will he be able to grow up and actually learn to take care of himself. I promise he will not implode just because you aren’t there to mother him constantly. Yes, he may fall, but he’ll also learn how to get back up. You are creating this narrative where you are saving him, but in reality your presence is just enabling him, and that is not really doing him any favors. Even without the lying, cheating, and talking bad about him to his friends behind his back. Which, honestly, makes it a “with friends/girlfriend like that, who needs enemies” type of situation.

    But even if you were good for each other (which you clearly aren’t), if you are not happy with a relationship then you should break up. It’s okay not to stay in a relationship that isn’t working for you. Your contempt for him is loud and clear throughout your post, and you are likely not hiding that from him as well as you think. Contempt like that creates a toxic environment for everyone. And while it may feel like you are cursing him to a life alone, in reality if you guys break up he’ll be sad for a while and miss you, but he’ll eventually realize that even though he isn’t with you anymore the rest of the world keeps on turning. You guys are 20 years old. One day both of you will be in healthier places and you’ll both do a lot of maturing, and you’ll be able to find other people that are better for you than the mess of a relationship you have together now. You are not actually sentencing him to a lifetime of loneliness. I also agree that you do seem to be trying to martyr yourself. If that’s coming from a need to care for others or have projects there are healthier ways to channel that. But don’t make human beings your projects. It isn’t fair to either of you. If you want to mother something, a pet can be dependent on you without stifling personal growth. If you want a project, get a project-based hobby. If you want to make a difference, find a cause to volunteer for.

    At any rate, it sounds like you may have a chance for something good with Mark. So break up with the guy who isn’t working well with you and see if Mark is really as compatible as you think once you are together day to day in an actual relationship. Hopefully you can build something more honest and real and worthwhile with him. But you won’t be able to do that while the foundation of your relationship is based on cheating, lies, and betrayal.

    in reply to: Coronavirus/ Covid-19/ At-Home Support Thread #1031806
    avatarAkeath
    Participant

    My sister had said that she wasn’t going to get vaccinated. But she needs to travel out of state next week, so she just got the Johnson and Johnson Vaccine yesterday so she’s got protection for the trip. I am so thrilled and relieved. I really thought my sis would never get vaccinated.

    in reply to: Coronavirus/ Covid-19/ At-Home Support Thread #1015215
    avatarAkeath
    Participant

    Things are a mess. I live in a state that’s in the lowest 5 out of 50 in % of population vaccinated. My parents live in a separate state that is also in the lowest 5. Each individual state has their own criteria to break up the population into priority tiers. My Mom is in her 70s with 3 pre-existing conditions, and she’s in Tier 2 in her state. I’m in tier 1B in my state with only 1 pre-existing condition. The health department has a questionnaire people can fill out and they claim they will then contact you when your tier comes up so you can schedule a vaccine. But they don’t seem to actually be contacting people. My tier has come up and I haven’t heard anything. Same with my parents in the next state over. A lot of older people are just waiting for the health department to get back to them in vain or checking with just their local pharmacies and hospitals to see if they have vaccines, and that isn’t going to work.

    I had to call and explain to my Mom that her tier was up even though she hadn’t been contacted and that if we weren’t proactive about getting her vaccinated her state’s current vaccine supply could be used up on people who were less at risk before she gets hers. We need to look for places that have the vaccine throughout the state and be willing to drive up to a few hours if she’s to get vaccinated any time soon. My parent’s state made a tool this week that lists all the pharmacies, hospitals, etc. in the entire state and whether they have actually received any vaccines yet, which helps enormously. I’m hoping my state will get something like that up eventually. In my state, only 50% of doses are going to hospitals and mass vaccination sites and the rest are all to individual pharmacies, and you have to call every pharmacy around one by one and ask if they’ve even received anything yet, which most haven’t. Once I found my way through an online labyrinth and got the map of what places carry the vaccine in my parent’s state right now and how to contact them I sent that along to my Mom and showed her how to use it despite how wonky it is. She’s going to call each place that’s received vaccines to check if they still have any available, give them her health info, and see if she can get an appointment. Fingers crossed she can get one soon.

    I lucked out and got an appointment at a mass vaccination site in my state that’s only an hour drive away. My sister-in-law is a nurse at a hospital and has been able to get both of her vaccines and use her connections to get some of her elderly/higher risk family vaccinated, too. My Dad is high risk and works at a public school and is getting his soon through the school. My husband is young and doesn’t have any pre-existing conditions that apply to this, so we reckon he’ll be vaccinated in the summer. My husband and I have agreed not to start socializing, going out, etc. until he is fully vaccinated as well so it will be still be some time before I can see people again. I’m hoping that by the end of summer I’ll actually be able to hug my parents again. Before Covid I would visit them each week (they are just across the state border, it isn’t a long drive). My sister lives with my parents and has said she is not going to get vaccinated (she’s an adult and can make her own decisions…still grr!) but besides her and my niece everyone else in our households should be vaccinated by the end of summer.

    • This reply was modified 3 months ago by avatarAkeath.
    avatarAkeath
    Participant

    Honestly, it can be complicated to welcome a girlfriend’s kid from a prior relationship into the new boyfriend’s family when the kid’s parents haven’t gotten married or shown that their relationship is intended to be serious and permanent. What happens if you guys break up? Are you going to keep facilitating family relationships if you two broke up? With your kid or his, your family or his? Would your ex even be okay with that? If that happened, would the family draw away from the kid out of loyalty to their bio relative, and how would that affect the kids? These are all things you need to think about before having a kid call you Auntie or Grandma. So after just a year of dating, they might want to wait and see how things go before creating that kind of relationship. So the kids don’t lose their families.

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by avatarAkeath.
    in reply to: Coronavirus/ Covid-19/ At-Home Support Thread #964348
    avatarAkeath
    Participant

    Hospitals are at capacity here. One of my uncles who lives in the country had to go nearly 3 1/2 hours to reach a hospital, only to find out that hospital was out of respiratory devices, so he had to travel to another one also over 3 hours away from the first hospital and he barely survived the drive. Now he’s in a spare lab at the new hospital while on a waiting list for a room. This is insane. Please don’t gather outside of your immediate households for the holidays, guys. There just aren’t any more beds and we can’t handle another holiday surge. Skip this holiday so that next year more people’s relatives are alive to celebrate with.

    in reply to: We got him #964123
    avatarAkeath
    Participant

    This terrible nightmare is finally going to end! I know that we will still be working on the things he brought out in people and the damage his presidency has done on so many different levels, but regardless of how much he huffs and puffs now he is not going to bring the United States crashing down.

    avatarAkeath
    Participant

    NPR (full article here https://www.npr.org/sections/latest-updates-trump-covid-19-results/2020/10/03/919869461/watch-live-white-house-doctor-briefs-on-president-trumps-condition) caught something interesting about the time span his doctor is citing. His doctor mentioned how many hours post-diagnose Trump is, and the time frame cited would mean he tested positive for coronavirus on midday Wednesday before going maskless to an outdoor rally and indoor meetings Thursday. And he was supposedly treated for Coronavirus on Thursday before the rally. Which would mean he a) knew he’s positive b) knew how contagious it is and is worried enough to seek treatment (which jives with the recent tape where he acknowledged how deadly and contagious covid is but said he wanted to downplay it anyway), c) still chose to go to huge events maskless and spread it to people at a place that d) would be full of people that he’s consistently urged not to take basic safety precautions against the spread. One of the big events he went to was a fundraiser. He went knowing he could spread it to his supporters because their health wasn’t as important as his getting more money. Which really encapsulates his whole attitude about covid in a nutshell.

    There is no rock bottom for this man. He keeps doing worse and worse things, and there is no low he won’t go to. It is absolutely appalling. He’ll likely survive this and then, no matter how bad it was, lie and say it was nothing, which will cause his followers to be even more cavalier about the spread of this deadly disease. And on the low chance he dies, he becomes a martyr for his cult-like far right followers that will only continue to embolden them.

    I really, really hope that people don’t get off their guard with this and decide not to vote after all. Because either way we still desperately need to get off this path, and it will take a lot of people’s votes to do so.

    • This reply was modified 7 months ago by avatarAkeath.
    in reply to: Should I leave my fiancé over a small(ish) issue? #962302
    avatarAkeath
    Participant

    When you were talking about how he was younger and immature with money, I thought maybe he was in his early twenties tops. But he’s 29. At his age, you can’t blame a lack of financial sense or cleanliness on a lack of maturity. They are part of who he is. I think you need to realize that, and also realize that more time (after 3 years of dating, no less) is NOT going to change him into someone who is good with money. It’s possible that he can change his financial issues, but time alone isn’t going to do it. This isn’t going to be that easy and smooth. His understanding he has a serious financial problem (and not minimizing it as a “small issue”), he himself wanting to change, and then taking a financial class that your community center hosts or speaking to a financial adviser would just be the first steps on a long road to change. And it could be he will always be bad with money, and that once you marry him your own credit score, standing with landlords, and more will also go down with him if you become linked legally.

    Would you want to marry him if he never changes with money, if he never magically “matures” to become the person you want? If he were just as-is for the entirety of the rest of your lives together? If the answer to that is no, then you should not get married. That doesn’t mean you automatically have to leave. It does mean that you and he should go to a financial adviser and/or classes together, be clear about your credit scores and debts, and work together to become financially responsible – while dating. Especially, you need to verify his credit score so you are aware of how deep this rabbit hole goes. For another thing, if you don’t start to save for retirement, you either won’t get a comfortable retirement or you may never be able to retire at all. And you need to find a way to save money, because the economy is very shaky right now and you need to be able to handle some knocks without becoming destitute, because it is coming to that for a lot of people right now. Only after you both have been transparent with your spending and started making good, demonstrable financial choices for another couple years without backsliding should you consider joining hands (and finances, and debts) in marriage.

    As for your friends, I don’t think that they will always hate your boyfriend now. Hate is a pretty strong emotion. They can advise against marrying him without hating him or always being upset that you choose to be with him. If they are good friends, they will eventually tell themselves that clearly you see something in him they don’t, and that it is your life and your choice. Ultimately, they are just concerned for you. You don’t have to ditch them just because they aren’t crazy about your boyfriend.You are of course going to be the one in the group who likes him most, and that’s fine – you are the one who is with him. As long as they don’t get pushy with you about breaking up with him and getting with the co-worker, I think you can still maintain those friendships. Maybe cool it with the coworker though, as he has crossed a boundary. I think you should give it time for things to die down, maybe broaden your circle a bit, and in awhile reassess how well your friendships are going with everyone. And don’t engage as much in the complaining sessions. Those can really give people odd pictures of what’s going on, and a competition on negativity isn’t the funnest way to spend your time out with friends anyway.

    • This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by avatarAkeath.
    in reply to: Coronavirus/ Covid-19/ At-Home Support Thread #890335
    avatarAkeath
    Participant

    Bittergaymark: Sometimes depression’s voice can be so loud and insistent in your mind that you can mistake it for your own voice. I recognize it in some of your posts, because I’ve dealt with it as well. But don’t let it fucking win, Mark – even if it’s only out of spite and stubbornness, don’t let it win.

    in reply to: Coronavirus/ Covid-19/ At-Home Support Thread #890331
    avatarAkeath
    Participant

    Today’s the record for the highest number of cases that my state has seen since the pandemic began, just barely beating out yesterday which had also been a record high. I’m getting frustrated with people who seem to think it just isn’t worth bothering with safety precautions any more, because here at least it not only isn’t over but has spiked higher than it ever has.

    I don’t see many people in my area wearing masks nowadays, although even at the height of precautions only about 1/4 of people at most were wearing them. I can’t see our state authorities ever requiring them, not here. I’ve been seeing grocery store workers and doctor receptionists that are told by their employers to wear masks putting the mask under their nose or chin or just taking them off until someone walks up to them. When I went to the grocery store last week, only 1 of the checkout lanes had a cashier who was wearing a mask in a way that would prevent transmission. And that’s the grocery store I go to because they are better than other grocery stores about precautions. It is getting extremely difficult to social distance at grocery stores and other places because other people will just walk up to you or right by you, they don’t care anymore, even if you are very clearly trying to social distance yourself. My state is continuing to move forward with reopening regardless of the spike we’re in. I went for curbside pickup at one of the places I get Chinese recently (I like to support the Chinese restaurants here a lot more lately ever since people started spouting “the Chinese virus”) and saw they’d opened up their freakin buffet again and were no longer doing curbside pickup. When I called to say I was there for my order, like usual, they just told me to come on in and that they weren’t doing curbside any more. The whole parking lot was packed, and inside no social distancing methods were being enforced. I’m not going to that restaurant anymore for now, but there’s another Chinese place that I can still support that is taking precautions.

    Also my Mom’s been furloughed from her job of many years. She told me today. They said that her work has been fantastic, but her company is in health care and they have been canceling everything but emergency treatments. Apparently they have lost tens millions of dollars, and are thinking that for the year 2020 total they may lose hundreds of millions of dollars total. They are still paying for her insurance for the 90 day furlough, which is a huge relief as my mom requires regular health care. I’m really glad their doing that. She’s going to try to file for unemployment, she expects to be terminated. She says filing will help her fill up the hours where she would normally be working, as other people in the same situation and state say the holds on phones are often 4-5 hours long and the website is so antiquated as to be hardly usable.

    Oh, and my husband’s family is gathering for their church meeting this summer as usual. People come from all over. Usually a few people come from overseas too, but I don’t know how that will work with various travel restrictions in different places. When my Mom-in-Law suggested to her sister who is recovering from cancer that she should wear a mask if she goes, her sister said she didn’t need a mask because she would “pray more”and trust in God that she won’t get sick. I started to bring up the story about the drowning man praying to God for help and then refusing the helicopter. But I just…can’t even. And even if she’s being silly about it, she’s still been so kind to me and I really don’t want her to get sick, no matter how stupid she’s being. I don’t want anyone to get sick or die from this, even if they are misguided or sticking their head in the sand or refusing to take advantage of the medical precautions we are blessed or lucky enough to have access to. I hear people on both sides of the political spectrum saying they hope the other side will have a lot of people die from their various political gatherings and it just makes me so sad. No one deserves to die from this. And it is heartbreaking that so many lives have been lost, and that so many more will be lost, and the number of lives that have and will be taken could be so much less if people made different choices.

    in reply to: Coronavirus/ Covid-19/ At-Home Support Thread #881060
    avatarAkeath
    Participant

    @ Helen and others worrying about coronavirus mutations: I’ve been researching coronavirus pretty steadily, and it seems that it mutates fairly slowly compared to other viruses like the flu. Here’s some good articles I found on that: https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2020/03/25/820998549/the-coronavirus-is-mutating-but-that-may-not-be-a-problem-for-humans and https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/08/science/new-york-coronavirus-cases-europe-genomes.html

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