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Hello to everyone who responded and sorry – I have been away from the PC. Thank you for all the responses and advice. I’ll try to address them all in one condensed reply.
I should mention that the mother (brothers girlfriend) is a fantastic mother. It is a very odd relationship between her and my brother which not many people who know them understand, because she is an intelligent, articulate, kind, compassionate woman who doesn’t drink nor smoke nor do any drugs. It appears to be a very ‘opposites attract’ relationship. I feel bad saying this as his sister, but she could definitely do far better for herself than him.
I have had similar concerns about my brothers ability as a father. I used to think he would make a great father as he was always very good with kids – but unfortunately having his own has not given him the wake up call that many of his family members hoped it would. Nothing has changed in him to be honest, and some things have only got worse.
It is a very good point that I would be able to keep a closer eye on my niece if I were to have her once a week, though I also acknowledge that his parental flaws are not my responsibility. The thought of my niece feeling she has nobody to turn to and no safe place is too heartbreaking to think about, so I think I will say yes.
I know he will try his luck and push for more, which I will refuse and he’ll lose his temper and I’ll get called every name under the sun – but by the same account, he won’t stop me having her for that one day because his aim is to ‘have a break’ and he won’t want to completely burn that bridge, regardless of my refusal to do more if he asks. Unfortunately, his ‘break time’ is too precious to him.
It’s not going to be pleasant, but the time with my niece will be worth it, and as lots of you have mentioned here – it’s for her, not my brother. She will definitely benefit from it.
Thank you all for your advice and guidance and helping me think it through and realise what’s important x
Hi LisforLeslie. Thank you for the response and advice.
You are right, I definitely shouldn’t play a part in his attempts to avoid his responsibilities. I feel a lot of guilt over the prospect that my niece will be stuck with him instead of enjoying some fun with me – but my brother does need to learn to grow up and be responsible.
He told me that his daughter cries all the time, so I went through the ‘process of elimination’ with him (nappy, food, drink, temperature, discomfort, tiredness, boredom). He claims he’s ‘done all of that’ so I told him to take her to the GP to see if there maybe something wrong that he can’t see, and he shut me down completely, almost angrily, just repeating ‘no no no its nothing like that, i just need a break!’ – which in my mind correlates to he can’t be bothered to deal with her.
I will be saying no. Thank you again x
Hi Kate, thanks for the response and advice.
He definitely is the type who if you give him an inch, he takes a mile – but I am comfortable in my ability to say no to anything more than what he’s asked. He has asked our dad if he’ll help out one day a week too and I believe there is someone else who will be doing the third day.
I guess what gets to me is the whole ‘I need a break’ excuse that he gives, because that indicates to me he wouldn’t be working – because if he was at work, well work is the break lol. It doesn’t make sense to me how in one breath he’s claiming it’s so him and his girlfriend can work, but then in the second breath state how its so he can have a break. If I were to do it, and subsequently find out it was just so he could have a longer sleep and have a day to himself, rather than going to work, I think that would annoy me a lot. So you’re probably right that my best bet is to say no because it’s likely to end badly.
Thanks again xJuly 14, 2021 at 6:32 am in reply to: Am I wrong for feeling this way about my husband and thirteen year old daughter? #1094789
Hello Shay. I’m very sorry for the situation you and your daughter find yourself in. What an unimaginable nightmare.
In the hopes you do read this, I just want to let you know something.
I have a friend in the states whose daughter was being sexually abused by her paternal uncle. Nobody knew for a long time and everyone saw the relationship between uncle and niece as nothing but a ‘close bond’.
Unfortunately, the uncle lived with his parents (the nieces grandparents) and when the niece would stay over night… I needn’t say more.
The mother (my friend) went to pick up her daughter from the house and ended up in an argument with the uncle. During that argument, he said something in a very similar branch to what your husband said to you. He told the mother ‘I get away with everything and there’s nothing you can do about it’. According to my friend, something in her daughters eyes (who had always claimed to be happy and nothing wrong) worried her mother and she took her straight to the hospital. From there… evidence was collected.
He has recently been convicted, and believe me when I say the evidence was STRONG.
My friend didn’t know her brother in law would go into where her daughter sleeps at her grandparents. Her daughter never said anything because she had been groomed. The uncle and daughter would play online together on the xbox and nothing seemed to be ‘off’. Regardless of this, I have spent many a late night talking with the mother, and trying to get her to understand she is not to blame. The guilt she feels over having not seen what was happening is destroying her.
You CAN see. You KNOW a grown man is going into your daughters room and sleeping in her bed late at night whilst you sleep. I am not saying his actions are your fault because they are absolutely are not. However, your daughters safety IS your responsibility, and trust me when I tell you if you don’t save her now – one of two things will happen as she gets older.
1.) She will resent you as she comes to realise she has been seriously abused and you did nothing because having a man was more important to you than protecting her.
2.) I don’t even want to detail this one, but someone else touched on it in another response… she is fast approaching an age where he knows she is likely to talk, and people who do the kinds of things that he IS doing, have no issue SILENCING their victims. And I don’t mean threatening her when I say silencing… I mean something much worse. THE worst.
Please save your daughter. This man is NOT your husband. A husband does not dismiss his wife’s VALID concerns. A husband does not tell his wife ‘you cannot tell me what to do’. A husband listens, understands, changes what ever behaviour is making his wife uncomfortable and does everything in his power to make it right. Also, no husband worth that title has ever crept into his stepdaughters room at night whilst his wife is asleep. I’m sorry to tell you this but that piece of paper you both signed to become married – means just that, it’s a piece of paper. Because there is no sanctity or love or respect in that marriage.
Please please PLEASE save her. I know you don’t want it to be true, but the fact is something very very wrong is going on and the only reason your daughter isn’t living in fear right now is because he’s trained her from a young age to believe what he is doing is normal and okay. Your daughter is in very serious danger.
I know you think you know your husband, that he ‘couldnt possibly be capable of that’. Welcome to the way most parents thought before they have been proven very wrong in similar situations to you.
Both you and your daughters have my hopes and prayers. Save her whilst you still can.
I was more bringing up a high profile – widely known toxic relationship between mother in law and daughter in law. I did say that she wasn’t likely to be murdered by her partner just because there is another case of such a poor in law relationship where such a tragedy happened. It was merely meant as a point of reference for her to see that others have gone through similar experiences. I didn’t mean to offend or upset anyone. I personally felt the mother/daughter in law relationship was relevant but I shan’t bring up it again.
Chris Watts’s mother hated Shanann (her daughter in law) and made it known from day 1 that she wasn’t ‘part of the family’. She would outcast her from family events, make a point to ignore her when she was present, didn’t attend the wedding and dismiss her as the mother to her grandchildren. She is a very good example of the damage that can be done by mother-in-laws who adopt the weird ‘youve stolen my son from me attitude’ that seems to be quite common. Of course she is an extreme example – but an example nonetheless. Shanann suffered a lot of heartache and frustration for the exact behaviour that OP is claiming to be going through, so I figured it was very relevant, and would be a good resource for her to look into and see she is not alone in this type of experience. The behaviour of Cindy Watts (the mother in law) is of course very miniscule in the case but is important nonetheless, and a good point of reference for other women going through similar situations.
Please look into the case of Chris Watts. His mother treated her daughter in law with absolute contempt, and her son didn’t help the situation. He did very little, and often nothing to deal with the appalling behaviour displayed by his mother. As a result, his wife endured years of misery at the hands of her mother in law, conceding when she wasn’t in the wrong just to keep the peace, and feeling constantly outcast to the family. Whilst the murders themselves are the sole responsibility of Chris Watts himself – his mothers attitude towards his wife were at the very least a contributing factor to how his actions came to materialise.
No you are not likely to be murdered by this womans son. This is obviously an extreme case with similar seeds to what you have expressed. However, speaking as someone who has been in your situation with the mother of partners – this will never get easier. You may develop healthy ways of dealing with it, but it won’t ever hurt less, you won’t feel any less pushed out and is likely to only get worse over time. No partner is worth that torment. You deserve better. Also, where is he in all of this? Why does he allow ANYONE (mother or not) to treat the woman he supposedly loves in such a way.
Marriage is for life (at least it is meant to be). Really step back and look at what you are signing yourself up for. He may be an incredible man – but the fact you are hear asking for help shows that his good points aren’t enough to make the bad with his mother not hurt you. A marriage certificate won’t make her like you, it won’t make it hurt less, and it won’t make him defend you any more than he has been.
Sometimes people want to vent purely for the purpose of venting. They are not always looking for advice (however this is an advice site so it should be expected here).
Also, you seem to think very highly about what YOU say, whilst constantly putting down what others have said – not only is this true of your friends, but even true of this thread with a complete stranger. You sound like someone who doesn’t like to be proven wrong, or seen to be wrong. You wrote a post, and after reading through it – someone offered you some constructive feedback which you immediately slapped back in their face when it didn’t fit what you wanted to hear. Maybe this is a trait of yours worth working on? Have you ever thought that perhaps your friends have also noticed this trait in you – so when they have the opportunity to prove you wrong in black and white, they take it. Dealing with someone like that can be insanely frustrating.
You are a very defensive person for someone who claims not to be the issue. Each post you have responded since the original has been a mixture of both defence and attack because you didn’t like what you saw.
“I won’t give any more detail that might explain the situation further as it will MOST LIKELY BE MISINTERPRETED”, “I shouldn’t have to explain myself!”. You sound very immature, lacking in personal insight and hostile. If this is how you behave normally, then had you been a friend of mine – I could also see myself jumping at the opportunity to prove you wrong, just to highlight to you that you’re NOT always right.
Please seek therapy if you come to realise that it is in fact your attitude that is the problem. Such personal revelations are often difficult to deal with and a therapist can help you with that. If you stand by your assessment that you are not the problem and that it is everyone else – well good luck to you.
Even here in the UK, where the legal age to have sex is 16, I’m pretty sure there is a law that nobody under the age of 18 can engage in the creation/production/distribution of porn. So even if you’re in the UK, from a legal standpoint – something illegal has happened for that porn to exist.
The legal age of sexual consent in the UK is seen as a joke to many Brits as it is. How it can be legal to potentially become parents, but illegal to drink, get married (without parents consent), drive, go clubbing or even vote is a mystery to any normal thinking person.
Regardless of being ‘fully developed’, a 16 year old is still at school, still learning how to navigate social interactions and still learning about sex! Yet you’re happy to be with a partner who enjoys watching these young naive girls be exploited???
Why aren’t your bags already packed?
Nobody can ‘steal your mom from you’. If they are in fact able to do this, there was something fundamentally wrong in the relationship between you and your mother long before this friend was around.
Your mom speaks to her because she recognises your friend is a guest and should be included in conversations. What your friend contributes may well be inappropriate, but it is no more inappropriate than you having these conversations about such personal matters in her presence and expecting her to sit there twiddling her thumbs when YOU invited her over!
Maybe I’m misinterpreting what you’ve put, but you do come across as quite immature and petty. Like a child who won’t share their toys. Your mom is allowed to speak to your friends, be warm with them, even give them hugs. This shouldn’t build up jealousy in you. She is YOUR mother. If these things do make you jealous, then you should seek therapy to figure out why, and possibly look at the relationship between you and your mother to see if you can figure out why you feel so threatened by her engaging with one of your friends.
You’re definitely from the UK.
I do find it weird that you kind of want your partner to compromise for you – but there doesn’t seem to be any wiggle room for you compromising for him. If it’s okay for you to go to your family at Christmas, and there’s no chance of you going to his family, then why is it not okay that he does the same thing with his?
Your wording is a bit on the extreme side, to a point of sounding almost codependent on him. It should not effect you that much being away from him for a couple of days. Sure you should miss each other, but the feelings you are conveying go quite a bit far beyond that and definitely into the unhealthy end of the scale. As someone else has suggested, perhaps seek professional help with this.
Nothing I can say hasn’t already been said better by everyone else here.
However, no matter how you are feeling or what you are dealing with – it is NEVER okay to place blame for your desire to commit suicide on another person. Kate is not and will not be responsible if you do in fact choose to harm yourself, and you saying such a thing is downright cruel, selfish and very immature.
Please seek professional help because you very clearly need it.