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Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 172 total)
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  • April 11, 2024 at 12:26 pm #1128808

    Yeah, his comments suggest a really dim view of women. That’s a bigger issue than catching him staring at your friend.

    April 9, 2024 at 12:32 pm #1128786

    See, I don’t think we can accurately say what the research referenced in that Psych Today article says because the link to the study doesn’t work. But other references to the study suggest otherwise.

    Even though the end result is the same, to me there is a world of difference between “women’s libido drops as stress rises due to differing levels of erotic plasticity” and “women use sex as an economic tool to control men”.

    April 8, 2024 at 8:14 am #1128761

    Here’s a few quotes that led me to my conclusion that the author is viewing sexuality purely from an economic perspective without any regard to how relationships actually function.

    “Therefore, sex for men is a no-risk/high-profit investment. For woman, the equation is reversed. Thus, the supply of female interest in sex is reduced, and since male demand is high, the price rises.”

    “Man’s heightened motivation for sex puts them at a disadvantage because, according to the well-known “principle of least interest,” the one less invested (or motivated) in a relationship, controls it.

    “For example, if you love your partner more than he loves you and you are more invested in the relationship than he is, then control of the relationship rests with him. The one who’s in love will do everything to save the relationship, even if it costs them big concessions. According to this principle, the fact that women are less sexually needy and motivated for sex puts them in a position of power in sexual negotiations.”

    “Another reason why female sex has become a valued resource is related in all likelihood to human social history, in which, without exception, men have controlled most of society’s resources-–money, status and power positions. In such a situation, sex has been one of the few assets that women could leverage for obtaining other valuable social goods such as power, status, and money.”

    “Baumeister’s analysis of the sexual marketplace, then, assumes that sex is not just a private matter but a part of the socio-economic system, just as buying a house is not just a private act but part of a system.”

    “…for example in societies where women outnumber men, the price of sex is bound to drop because supply (feminine sex) exceeds demand (men looking for sex).”

    “If we view sexy dress as advertising and public relations of a property owner who wishes to sell, we understand that such an owner would want to stimulate interest in as many potential buyers as possible, not because she aims to ‘sell’ to all of them but because she seeks to find the one optimal ‘buyer.’ Thus viewed, an attractively dressed woman conveys an interest in finding a suitable partner, not in finding many partners.”

    April 7, 2024 at 1:45 pm #1128742

    Interesting article: Essentially dressing up the “high value man” “high value woman” theories that are so popular in the manosphere right now. Of course, no actual data is described and near as I can tell no research has actually been done. The only link in the article is dead.

    I looked up a bit more on the author I think the psychology today article is spinning his work to be more compatible to these “value” ideas. His work suggests that women’s libido fluctuates more in relation to their surroundings. So…he’s basically agreeing with everyone else: when women have shitty home lives, their libido shrinks. That’s exactly what everyone here is saying.

    April 6, 2024 at 12:18 pm #1128728

    Shemp – you’re comparing anecdotal data (your friends) to things that have studied and researched extensively. You also don’t know the personal details of the inner workings of your friend’s relationship beyond how happy your friends are with the amount of sex they are having. This research is easy to find with Google. I did the hard work for you:

    But it’s a pretty simple concept. Resentment is a libido killer and I don’t think that’s something unique to one gender, but I do think that there are far more women out there that are resentful of their male partners for not pulling their weight with household chores and planning, parenting duties, etc.

    No, not every relationship is going to reflect this dynamic, so it’s totally possible your friends are the outliers.

    April 4, 2024 at 2:40 pm #1128695

    Your cousin seems to have come down with a case of “being an asshole”. The reasons why might be unclear, but the response is the same: You don’t need their negativity in your life. Be polite but distant.

    Some people just become jerks once they become parents. Some people become jerks when other people become parents.

    Maybe when she’s not in the thick of young child be parenting she’ll become more tolerable, but that’s not something you need to try to navigate.

    February 28, 2024 at 9:39 am #1128336

    I think a good thing to check on is if this guy has a lot of female friends. This can tell you if other women feel safe around him, and if he respects women enough to actually be friends with them without wanting “something more”.

    February 27, 2024 at 9:57 am #1128326

    In my experience, alt-guys/social-justice guys who talk a big game online about deconstructing their own behavior usually haven’t actually done the work and usually are doing it for their own egos. I would tread very, very carefully especially since he seems early in his “healing journey”, so to speak.

    Deconstructing toxic masculinity is something that needs to be done with a therapist, not just instagram pages and confessional social media posts.

    February 16, 2024 at 11:46 pm #1128188

    The stress was the fear that her mom would actually say no, and their home life would be disrupted and it would be really hard on her sister.

    While she butts heads with her step dad fairly often, she didn’t want to see them split up either. They’ve been together for 10 years now so it’s not like he’s some new guy in the picture.

    She had to deal with my own divorce in her own way about a year ago, so she has some complicated feelings about it.

    Good news though, she said yes. Phew!

    February 16, 2024 at 9:17 am #1128183

    General vent (but advice welcome anyways) incoming.

    My 13-year-old daughter’s mom’s partner (but not married yet) informed her (and her younger half-sister) that he’s planning on proposing this weekend. Daughter is feeling really stressed out about this and I really wish he wouldn’t have mentioned anything at all and just popped the question on his own so they could more delicately inform the kids, instead of dragging daughter into a nebulous wait-and-see mode of waiting.

    I guess it shows he’s really confident she’s going to say yes and I hope she does, but she’s said things in the past that suggest that she might not. Her mom has a really bad habit of using daughter to vent about the would-be-stepdad which is not something I’m fond of.

    I know this is kind of a not-my-monkeys-not-my-circus problem, but I’m also anxious about it because if I was a betting man I see her saying no, and damn would that make shit at her other home awkward.

    February 11, 2024 at 10:56 pm #1128129

    So to put it concisely the conflict with your sister-in-law can be summarized as this: The door to your sister’s room (in your house) made noise that you found annoying, her boyfriend came down shirtless and you made a comment of front of her parents that embarassed them, and then blamed her for the comment you made?

    I mean, yeah, of course you’re going to have conflict with that whole family now. And your husband isn’t really doing anything to help navigate this.

    Your dislike of your sister-in-law is poisoning your relationship with the mother-in-law, and you cannot seriously expect the mother-in-law to choose you over her own daughter. So you need to make peace with your sister-in-law, or abandon hope of a relationship with your MIL.

    For what it’s worth, the way you describe it here, your sister-in-law sounds like she’s acting like a normal 20 year old. She’s doing things that are mildly annoying at best, and you came down way too hard on her. Maybe there’s a pattern of behavior that you haven’t mentioned here, but if the worst thing they did was make too much noise because of a problem with your door, well, they aren’t the assholes here.

    February 5, 2024 at 7:29 pm #1128028

    It’s time you set up some boundaries with your mother. It’s going to suck, but you need to do it now instead of after when the baby is born.

    You need a hard line with her and let her know that you’re not going to let her trash your in-laws anymore.

    “Mom, I don’t have it in me to listen to you bad-mouth my in-laws.” And if (realistically, when) she pushes that boundary, you stop talking to her. Yes, she’s going to feel bad. She’s going to be angry. You have to stick to it.

    Every time she does something that triggers your anxiety, you exit the conversation.

    She won’t like it, but you are not responsible for her emotions. You need to be taking care of you and eventually taking care of that baby. You cannot manage her emotions for her and you’re only going to hurt yourself and your family in the long run by trying.

    If she’s not at the baby shower, that’s on her. “She couldn’t make it” is all you have to say to anyone who asks about it.

    BPD is tough, but trying to manage the emotions of someone who has BPD is a losing game.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 172 total)