Yup – this is beyond the help you can get from an advice column or message board.

Speaking as a recovering co-dependent myself, I will say you are severely co-dependent. You are so desperate for this guy’s approval that your life revolves around it. And he seems to be offering you nothing but misery.

You don’t have to live like this. Find therapy and get this guy out of your life. Build a life of your own that doesn’t require approval from anyone else.

I agree with the “don’t tell about the cheating” sentiment, with the caveat that if there’s a real risk of him having been exposed to STDs, then you need to tell him.

If you don’t think that’s likely, rip the band-aid off quickly and permanently if you don’t want to be with him.

I will add: On the odd chance you love him and want to be with him, but are punishing yourself for cheating on him, there’s potential to move on from this with enough honesty. But this doesn’t seem to be the case here.

It’s not clear how long you’ve been dating this guy, but considering your age it can’t be that long.

He treated you in a way that is totally unacceptable. Imagine if he talked this way to a co-worker or a supervisor. He would be fired. Why is it ok to talk to you this way but not his peers?

Unless there are some extreme extenuating circumstances and this is really uncharacteristic of him (for example, did a parent die recently and he’s under a great deal of stress and not his best self), break up with him.

I concur that there isn’t a waste of time. I did want to point out one bit I do empathize with the guy on.

“…he expressed himself that he doesn’t want to be a point of discussion to others because he doesn’t want our group to ask about what we talked about.”

I kind of get where he’s coming from, because you mention that you’ve talked about this situation with multiple (presumably mutual) friends. He may not want to become a point of gossip. He probably could have phrased his request more sensitively, but I get where he might be coming from.

That said, this to me just sounds like a crush that went nowhere. It happens. It’s ok to just move on, and you don’t need to worry about his hurt feelings. He’ll survive.

Every relationship has it’s own boundaries on what is or isn’t cheating. It’s possible that this guy might be in a non-monogamous relationship with his wife, but it’s unlikely. Most non-monogamous people would have been up-front about this by now. So ruling that out, I would personally say he is not cheating yet, but he’s headed that direction.

Time for a grown up conversation about what is happening here.

And I really want to give you the benefit of the doubt that something isn’t coming through very well over the forum here, but you’re kind of coming off pretty rude. For example:

“Then sent her a text I see how you are.”

“I guess she is into herself not wanting a relationship.”

You might want to study up on proper online etiquette if this if you want to have any luck communicating with strangers on the internet.