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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

chris90

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  • in reply to: How do I help my ex? #1098185
    chris90
    Participant

    “You did realize you seem controlling because your ex told you so. And then instead of internalizing that and apologizing, you “pushed her” for an answer on how exactly you’re controlling. ”

    No. I’m yet to understand whether I am or was controlling – looking back on our time together, we just got on with what we wanted to do a lot of the time and went out together when we could.

    I actually said in my previous message that I need to back down trying to say anything about her life because there is no helping her despite doing so in the past. The past is the past now and the only focus should be our daughter as you and others have said.

    “She probably gave you some examples and you brushed them off. Even if she didn’t, the point is that she felt controlled by you. But you blew that off until a stranger on the internet said the same thing.”

    1) No, she didn’t.
    2) Yes, a stranger on the net said the same thing as my ex.

    Maybe I need to look at controlling behaviour and try and comprehend whether that is me.

    in reply to: How do I help my ex? #1098182
    chris90
    Participant

    I do? I didn’t realise I was. Yipes.

    I didn’t say that work would be the first step in sorting out her MH, I merely said that it may do her MH good since lately she hasn’t been leaving the flat other than to see friends, preschool runs and coming up to see me / our daughter when she’s here.

    I have realised that I need to just back away as others have said and I will.

    The docs won’t take her off tramadol for that reason.

    in reply to: How do I help my ex? #1098176
    chris90
    Participant

    Hi all,

    Sorry I haven’t been replying but I’ve had a really busy week and now only just got the time to login.

    To clarify, our daughter doesn’t stay with her Mum at weekends, she either stays with me or my parents who’ve looked after since she was 2 weeks old.

    The ex and I had a disagreement on Thursday when I went to see her and I told her that the two “friends” were using her just for a place to crash at the weekends. She still doesn’t see it that way so I’ve given up bothering about it.

    As I hate using the word ‘she’ all the time, I’m going to use an alias for ‘her’, that will be EH.

    EH made contact today to tell me that her former employer has been in touch and given her some work in a couple of weeks so I told her that it was great news and that I feel this is the first step in sorting her MH out. EH didn’t really know what to say to that.

    EH called me again this evening to pop round to my house (our former home together) and probably stayed for about 30 mins or so. As it was dark out, I did offer her to stay the night but she declined so I gave her cab money home.

    Answering some other questions…

    Kate; she has an addiction to Tramadaol, a drug prescribed to her by her GP to cope with chronic stomach pain which they’ve never found a cure for. She’s been told on one hand that it could all be in her head (the pain that is) but hasn’t received any help towards that. However all the signs of BPD that you’ve pointed out are her in a nutshell sadly and she blames me for the end of our relationship citing that I used to try and control her, and when I push her for an answer on how I controlled her she can never give me an answer and just tells me that I must be on drugs if I don’t recall controlling her. Heh!

    To everyone else, I have a lot more involvement with my daughter and she’s with me a lot more than she is her Mum. I’d say she’s with Mum probably 2 or 3 times a week? Our daughter, although 2 y/o, does prefer to be with me more – probably because I make the effort to play with her, include her in things and give her the best cuddles (not to blow my own trumpet).

    My life? Well, I’ve always focused on everybody else so I don’t know how to focus on me. I’ve recently started working a bit more than I used to, going out a little bit more but otherwise find keeping myself to myself the thing I prefer to do. I feel I suffer with social anxiety a lot of the time.

    Thank you for taking the time out of your days to respond to my thread with your helpfulness and guidance, I really do appreciate it.

    in reply to: How do I help my ex? #1098057
    chris90
    Participant

    “It’s good that your ex is considering no longer welcoming the crashers.”

    – I think you may have mis-read my post slightly, I suggested she stops having them over but she still insists that she will. Her other ex (Father of her Son) has also told her that he (Son) will not be going there while they’re there and has said all she cares about is those two men.

    I will always keep my daughter safe, and if I do feel that she could be unsafe I will follow your advice and go to court.

    I know that my ex won’t listen to me properly, unfortunately that’s a fact of life right now and I understand that – I just wish I could. She has told me she’s seeking help with her MH but I know how reluctant she can be to accept help sometimes.

    Hindsight is a wonderful thing but I would love to be able to get her to open her eyes at the situation she’s in right now.

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