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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Copa

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Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 1,921 total)
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  • in reply to: Anyone going on awesome dates? #1112954
    Copa
    Participant

    So one of my friends who is engaged, I don’t really care for her fiancé much. I think he’s self-centered and there has been some behavior I’ve really not liked (e.g., she’s been in in-patient treatment for anorexia several times, most recently in 2016, and I know of at least one instance where he told her the way she ate something was disgusting… he also once dumped her by text after two years and they were living together…). Anyway, their wedding website made me LOL. There’s next to no practical information about their wedding (no venue, time, etc.), but there’s an entire weirdly self-congratulatory page dedicated her ring. And how big and beautiful it is. Since they got engaged, she’s admitted he proposed on an ultimatum. I sincerely wish them the best but I have known a few ultimatum couples, none of whom made it longer than a few years.

    in reply to: Anyone going on awesome dates? #1112949
    Copa
    Participant

    @ktfran I credit moving to a big city with resetting my feelings on marriage back to my factory settings, haha. It took a couple years, but I’ve felt for a long while again that it’s not something I *need*. At this point in my relationship I think marriage would feel more like tightening the knot, not tying it.


    @hfantods
    The one thing that has never really wavered is my ambivalence toward procreation. For how devastated I was that things didn’t work out with specifically two boyfriends I had in my 20s, I’ll occasionally hear what’s up with them from mutual friends or look on social media and feel glad we parted ways. Both settled down in small towns, got married, had kids. Great for them if that makes them happy, not the life I ever dreamed for myself. I’ve been reading some books about being childless by choice or about the decision to have kids lately (Selfish, Shallow, & Self-Absorbed in the spring, currently about halfway through Motherhood)… if you’re feeling pressure, maybe some of those kinds of books would help. I find them interesting.

    in reply to: Anyone going on awesome dates? #1112941
    Copa
    Participant

    Oh also meant to add. In June my company had a conference and my boss, who is mid-40s, brought his wife. So at one of the dinners, a few coworkers (women) and I were talking to my boss’s wife, I’m assuming also mid-40s. Somehow it came up if that if she could pick the age her daughter, who is maybe 11, gets engaged/married, it’d be in the 30-35 range.

    I really hope that one day women will stop feeling so much pressure to marry by a certain age or like their worth/value is tied up in how desirable they are to men. Literally nobody bats an eye at a 30-something groom.

    • This reply was modified 1 day, 2 hours ago by Copa.
    in reply to: Anyone going on awesome dates? #1112939
    Copa
    Participant

    I’d say most of my friends got married in their 30s. At least in my groups of friends, relatively few got married in their 20s. I have four weddings coming up in the next year or so, three of which are for women who are 33-34. This seems normal to me. I know some of what’s normal varies by things like region, level of education, etc.

    I still remember going off to law school at 22 and being shocked that my classmates were thinking about marriage and trying to find husbands. I’d never given marriage much thought at that point. Some of the things said at the girls nights we used to have blew my mind. Even the boyfriend I had at this point wanted to be married with three kids by 30 and I remember telling him that I wanted a long-term partner, but didn’t think I cared if I ever got married. I lived in this state for maybe 10 years between school and my first job, and people did tend to marry younger there. By the time I was 26, I was the only person I knew in my age range who was unmarried and not living with a partner. I guess it all did rub off on me because I remember thinking, when I became single again at 28 (different bf at this point), that I was so old and had missed my chance. Which is absolutely absurd! But, younger marriage was the norm there.

    As an aside, the friends I have who did marry younger are mostly divorced by now. Not all, but quite a few. A few have remarried. Some are discovering the mess that is online dating in your 30s. The one who took her divorce the hardest dates casually here and there but hates it and doesn’t think she’ll ever have a serious partner again.

    in reply to: What does my married colleague want? #1112933
    Copa
    Participant

    He felt like a bad father but not a bad husband? Okay then!

    He probably enjoys the ego boost to get the attention of a younger woman and I imagine would like to keep you as an option should he ever decide to cheat on his wife again. A lot of people have a “work wife” or “work husband,” but this is not that. This guy isn’t your friend and nothing good will come of this.

    If you’re single and want a relationship, get on a dating app instead of indulging your gross, married coworker.

    in reply to: My friends are mad at me for not liking boy talk #1112929
    Copa
    Participant

    I think now sounds like a good time to branch out and meet new friends who share more of your interests, especially if with this group of friends, “boy talk” dominates the conversation.

    I’m now at an age where many friends are newer moms and I’ve noticed in certain friend groups, I have little to add to the conversations because it’s mostly kid/mom talk. I can’t relate at all. I don’t hold it against them or try to have them talk about it before I arrive. What I have done is make an effort to continue meeting people whose life stage is more similar to mine.

    in reply to: Encounter with an ex #1112928
    Copa
    Participant

    It does sound like you’re hanging onto hope that this might lead to giving things another go while he’s been clear that you’re a friend. If this guy is already taking up headspace again after a chance encounter, I’d save myself the heartache and not go back for more. I’ve had some chance encounters with men I’ve dated and they’ve been anything from fine to nice. I don’t think I could handle catching up with someone I was madly in love with who broke my heart. Like it actually sounds awful to me, haha. I know everyone’s different, but it’s ok to not go if you think it won’t serve you.

    in reply to: Did he move on? #1112907
    Copa
    Participant

    It could be anything. Social media can drive you crazy after a break up if you let it. Highly recommend taking a break from social media and/or deleting him for your own peace of mind.

    in reply to: Anyone going on awesome dates? #1112902
    Copa
    Participant

    Super random, but for anyone who enjoys ridiculous wedding drama — there used to be a lot of wedding-related letters on this site! — a friend recently introduced me to the podcast Normal Gossip and this episode about sorority sisters and weddings had me laughing out loud: https://open.spotify.com/episode/6eRWpCtpNBS2iOWWvkCT0z?si=5031b46d563a416f. (For anyone who doesn’t have Spotify, season 1 episode 5.)

    in reply to: Accident happened and don’t know what to do at all #1112898
    Copa
    Participant

    Yes, lawyer. Your state bar is likely a good resource to help you find someone. Many have referral sites where you can speak with a lawyer briefly for free to explain what’s happening and they can help you figure out what next steps to take.

    in reply to: Toxic or normal #1112897
    Copa
    Participant

    If your boyfriend is fine with whatever boundaries you mention that you’ve put in place to keep both in your life, I guess that’s fine. I won’t be surprised if this continues to rear its ugly head, but that’s your lesson to learn. I think jealousy issues like this stem from a lack of trust, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything to make your boyfriend think you’re untrustworthy.

    I had one jealous boyfriend in my early 20s and the longer we were together, the worse his behavior got. Like we’d get into regular fights about guy friends, one time he told me I couldn’t wear shorts to hang out with our mutual guy friends. I’d try to appease him to keep the peace and really lost myself in trying to do so. It wasn’t great, things ended on a fairly sour note. I don’t think my ex was some horrible monster of a guy. He was young, insecure, had inner work to do, and should have ended things when he realized he didn’t trust me instead of trying to control things. It didn’t matter what I did or said, he was never going to trust me. (I’ve heard that this ex eventually went on to marry a therapist — LOL.)

    in reply to: Lied about my age :// #1112875
    Copa
    Participant

    Yes, tell him the truth. Five years isn’t a huge age gap, however, you may find that the stages of life you’re both in right now make that age difference feel quite big/make you incompatible.

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