Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Copa

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  • in reply to: Anyone going on awesome dates? #873483
    CopaCopa
    Participant

    So I posted about something similar in this thread a few months ago when I won Hamilton tickets and felt shy/nervous about asking BG’s mom to come with me. Like Kate said, it’s lower stakes, but doesn’t necessarily feel like it because it’s a small but new way of putting yourself out there.

    Anyway, if you want to ask her — ask her! I didn’t have BG’s mom’s number at the time, so I had him ask her for me. You can ask him to get in touch with her directly even if you have her contact info if you don’t feel comfortable doing so. If it’s something she’s genuinely interested in and tickets are hard to come by, she’ll probably say yes. If she says no, she’ll probably be happy you thought of her and relay back a polite no and then you ask a friend. (BG’s mom couldn’t come to Hamilton with me, she was out of town, but she appreciated being asked and I was happy I put myself out there.)

    It’s fine to turn this into an opportunity to bond with your boyfriend’s sister if that’s how you’re feeling. If you’d rather go with your boyfriend, wait to see if he can come before inviting anyone else (obviously).

    in reply to: Anyone going on awesome dates? #873381
    CopaCopa
    Participant

    That’s frustrating, @Cleo! Even if the sites you’re on right now are designed for more casual encounters (just assuming!), you’d think basic courtesies would still apply. BUT, I’m glad to hear you’re exploring this area of your sexuality in a way you couldn’t with your ex and hopefully feeling better about your break-up.

    in reply to: How do I properly communicate with women? #873209
    CopaCopa
    Participant

    Omg! I’m so glad you updated, Robert! I’m sorry to hear about your parents.

    It does seem like the needle is moving in the right direction, but verrrry slowly. I’m sorry you got ghosted, but it happens a lot in online dating and you should try not to let it get you down. The woman who wanted your social media, well… I thought you needed social media to have an account on the apps in the first place. That’s how it was when I was on there — I even had friends who weren’t on social media but created dummy Facebook accounts in order to use the apps. I used to verify that men were who they said they were on LinkedIn before meeting because it was the easiest way to find people when all I knew was their first name and what they did. I found too much digging on social media before meeting detrimental.

    The FOMO thing. I had a little bit of that when I started dating my boyfriend. I think mine was more a little bit of mourning of my single life, though. Since you’ve struggled getting dates, and still find yourself having FOMO when you ARE out with a woman, I think that could be a sign of avoidant attachment, just another unconscious mechanism for you to put distance between yourself and a great (but imperfect, because we’re all human!) potential partner. Therapy can help with this, so I’m glad you are reaching out to therapists. I think you should get appointments set up sooner rather than later because you may need to try a few therapists out before finding one who feels like a good fit.

    in reply to: I never meant to hurt anyone :( #872939
    CopaCopa
    Participant

    I hope you will stop beating yourself up about this, LW. The more you write about this guy, the more he sounds like red flags on legs. Losing him wasn’t a loss. A man who “isn’t ready” to be your boyfriend for a year was never interested in being your boyfriend. And also doesn’t get a say in who you spend time with. If you HAD been seeing one of these Tinder guys? Not his business! And telling you after ending things that he regrets not putting the label on it is bizarre and seems manipulative. If what you want is a real relationship, it won’t be with this guy and you’d be well served to start learning to weed guys like him out faster next time.

    in reply to: I never meant to hurt anyone :( #872933
    CopaCopa
    Participant

    he began to look at who was liking my instagram photos, whilst telling me that he didn’t even have instagram.

    Uhhh yeah. Bullet dodged. It is SUPER CREEPY that he was monitoring your social media account like this!

    in reply to: I never meant to hurt anyone :( #872931
    CopaCopa
    Participant

    @Indigo Have… you used dating apps before? I’m guessing no. They’re fine if you take basic safety precautions. LW wrote nothing to make us think she’s had safety issues using Tinder. Not to mention, it doesn’t sound like she was on there looking for friends. It sounds like she went on dates with a few men she didn’t feel a romantic connection with, but was happy to be friends with them. I went on dates with men I liked as people but simply wasn’t attracted to and did say to a few of them I’d be up for going out for a friendly drink if they ever felt so inclined. My sister has a good friend she met this way. He’s not a sexual predator waiting for her to put her guard down. It happens more than you’d think.

    in reply to: I never meant to hurt anyone :( #872929
    CopaCopa
    Participant

    I read this the same way @MaltaKano did and I also don’t think LW did anything wrong. And yes, LW, you are right that most people who are mature and invested in their relationships would bring behavior that’s making them uncomfortable to their partner’s attention, rather than waiting a year and ending things out of the blue over friendships they’ve known about the entire relationship. This guy is either jealous and immature, or citing false reasons for breaking up with you.

    That said, at the end of the day, it never matters why someone breaks up with you. All that matters is that they don’t want to be with you anymore. You don’t need to beat yourself up, but you do need to move on.

    @Indigo Dating apps aren’t inherently unsafe. I went on dozens and dozens of Tinder dates without getting roofied (which, btw, is totally irrelevant to the conversation).

    LW, I am also introverted and had a hard time meeting new people when I moved to my city. I know you didn’t ask, but BumbleBFF and MeetUp are two great ways to meet people who are also looking for friends. It’s fine to befriend men you meet on Tinder, but you can take the initial date out of the process with BumbleBFF and MeetUp.

    CopaCopa
    Participant

    Nobody can tell you whether you should save it for marriage — the decision to have sex (or not) and with whom is personal. In dating, some men will weed themselves out when they don’t have sex in the first few dates. There are people who do want sex and will wait a bit longer, so I do think you should put it out there that you “don’t plan to have sex,” whatever that means to you, when dating.

    I don’t mean to be negative. I just don’t want to get tangled up in a situation with someone who’s not a hurt worth having.

    ^Also, this sounds deeper than sex to me. You sound totally closed off to being vulnerable. Dating includes different kinds of vulnerability and there’s no way to ensure you won’t get hurt even if you’re not having sex.

    in reply to: Anyone going on awesome dates? #872852
    CopaCopa
    Participant

    So this weekend I asked BG when his next HOA meeting is because we need to get a real answer about my dog living there. It hasn’t been scheduled yet (they are quarterly), but it now seems he is now leaning a bit more toward finding something new together. His upstairs neighbors have a 10-month-old, and we didn’t hear anything at first, but now that the baby is getting older and more active, the noise is pretty constant, and he knows it’s just going to be louder and louder/more and more as the baby grows. He works remote a couple days/week and he said it’s frustrating during the workday. I think that plan would push our timeline out, but it’s my preference so I’m ok with that if that’s the route we take.

    in reply to: Real or fake love #872532
    CopaCopa
    Participant

    Yeahhh time to move on. YOU are the one getting ghosted here. Like it’d be fairly odd to reach out to a guy who has been ignoring you for almost a week to tell him it’s over. He knows, and is trying to communicate that to you through silence. Let it fade. And yes, it sounds like you have a bit of work to do on yourself. Take a break from dating for that.

    in reply to: Partner had more in common with ex #872367
    CopaCopa
    Participant

    Everything you’ve listed that he and his ex have in common are VERY unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I wouldn’t care if I shared 90% overlap in my interests with a man if he had, say, terrible personality traits or wildly different values.

    Why do you know so much about his ex and why are you hung up on feeling lesser than a woman he dated over six years ago? This… isn’t really normal. If everything is going well and your confidence really IS this low, you may consider speaking with a therapist.

    CopaCopa
    Participant

    This doesn’t sound like a dilemma. If you want to catch up, reach out! It’s no weirder for you to reach out after two years than it was for him to reach out after two years. Sounds like you ended your “sort of relationship” on friendly terms, so I don’t see the problem.

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