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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Copa

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Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 1,802 total)
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  • in reply to: Anyone going on awesome dates? #1099352
    Copa
    Participant

    Not dating related, but if anyone has a rec for rain boots they actually like, I’m all ears. I sold my old pair on Poshmark (Hunters) on Poshmark last year cause I didn’t like ’em (too tall for my height), but the nonstop rain we’re having here makes me think it’s time to pull the trigger on a new pair.

    in reply to: Working with my boyfriends Ex girlfriend #1099280
    Copa
    Participant

    I will also add that one of the stores I worked at was on my college campus and they hired a lot of students. So people made friends and sometimes dated. Several sets of old coworkers who met on the job are actually married now. But we were a younger crowd and mostly these were short lived flings or sometimes amounted to an unreciprocated crush or whatever. Nobody ever really made a big thing of it on the job.

    in reply to: Working with my boyfriends Ex girlfriend #1099277
    Copa
    Participant

    This is as big of a deal as you make it. I can understand being surprised at first, but aside from that, you should be able to move past it.

    As former Starbucks barista, transferring stores used to be pretty easy. You could probably transfer if you wanted, but I wouldn’t tell the manager why. I will also say, unless it was an open or close shift where things were slow and fewer baristas were on the clock, it was easy to work independently. If I was working the espresso bar, I was focused on making drinks, not gabbing with coworkers. If I was on the register, I was talking to customers. If there was a lull in customers, there were always cleaning and refresh tasks. I truly don’t know what all this unavoidable teamwork you speak of is. I made some good friends at Starbucks, but there were some coworkers I never became friends with or just didn’t have much to say to and it wasn’t an issue at all that we worked side by side quietly focused on our own tasks.

    in reply to: Was I the problem with our failed relationship? #1099266
    Copa
    Participant

    You’re causing many of your own problems. If you want to move on, cut off contact with her. Stop trying to be friends. Stop sleeping together. Stop dwelling on which of the two of you is the real narcissist. None of this is serving you. You’re obsessing over someone you didn’t even like on a basic level.

    in reply to: Was I the problem with our failed relationship? #1099256
    Copa
    Participant

    Sooo. If you’re someone with a history of low self esteem and not being able to let go of relationships when they end and find yourself still banging your head against the wall this hard a month and a half out from a nine month relationship with no signs of your emotional discomfort/obsessive thoughts of what went wrong relenting, you may want to consider speaking to a therapist. Closure isn’t something another person can give you — not your ex, not a bunch of strangers online speculating why your ex said or did the things she said and did — it’s something you give yourself. Not to mention, your ex doesn’t sound like a catch at all. A therapist can also help you unpack why you stayed with/wanted a future with someone who berates you and calls your twin a loser, among other things.

    I’m not sure how you know that she’s on Tinder or how many people she’s been with, but you need to stop. It’s not your business and it’s not going to help you move on.

    in reply to: Struggling and unclear #1099188
    Copa
    Participant

    I agree that there is value to a liberal arts degree. Like @LisforLeslie pointed out, liberal arts students learn skills like research, writing, and critical thinking that will come in handy at many jobs. I think the problem is less that these majors are useless and more that there isn’t a clear path forward like there is for, say, an electrical engineering major. I went to a great university but felt like our career services center was ill equipped to help people like me (liberal arts majors who didn’t already know what they wanted to do) where as our engineering school, business school, etc. were all basically feeders for companies like Amazon, Microsoft, and Google.

    But, really, with LW’s mental health being so low, I think priority number one needs to be seeking therapy. Volunteering for causes you care about can help you feel connected to your community (you may even be able to develop some skills in real-world environments this way) and reaching out to old friends to catch up or attending a MeetUp group that seems interesting can help you feel connected to people. I have been in some miserable pits, LW, and ultimately we are the ones responsible for getting ourselves out.

    in reply to: Struggling and unclear #1099180
    Copa
    Participant

    It’d be amazing! I’m not unhappy with how things have worked out for me so far — and it may interest LW to know that my first full-time job out of school was quite boring and included a ton of menial tasks for which I was not handsomely paid — but man, it would’ve been nice to be like my friends who moved to NYC without jobs lined up because their parents were able to pay their rent and living expenses while they figured things out. I worried endlessly about money the first handful of years of my career.

    in reply to: Struggling and unclear #1099176
    Copa
    Participant

    Hm. Yeah, I also agree that your expectations for work — especially entry-level work — sound off. It doesn’t sound unusual at all that management would have meetings at your workplace during business hours that you were not included in as someone who was not part of the management team. The thankless work for lower pay is unfortunately quite common as well. I mean, when I worked at Starbucks — a job I actually quite enjoyed — some of the tasks that needed to be taken care of daily included cleaning the bathrooms and dealing with garbage or customer messes.

    I think you should speak to a mental health professional. It sounds like your mental health is very fragile if you cannot handle a fairly normal work environment and you have quite a bit to sort out outside of your job prospects.

    For career advice, I don’t know. I always felt like university career services offered very little help to me as an English major.

    I do have a friend who studied film who is now a product writer for Netflix and very much enjoys her job. A few things worth mentioning about her situation, though. First, she went to a highly regarded university. Second, she got a master’s degree in media studies after completing her bachelor’s degree. Third, she has wealthy parents who offered her continued support in her 20s while she took unpaid internships and freelance work to gain experience. Her parents resumed their financial support after she got divorced in her early 30s, at which point the Netflix job was only part-time contract work.

    in reply to: Heartbroken over my ex best friend #1099068
    Copa
    Participant

    So you found one club to join in person. Great! Did you actually join? If so, what happened?

    If school clubs aren’t an option, there are always online tools like MeetUp that can help you connect with other people who live nearby and have similar interests. I moved to my current city alone in my 20s and the internet was a fantastic resource to find other people who were also looking for new friends. (I’ve even met people from this site IRL!)

    I’m not sure if this is an issue for you at all, but I’ll add it anyway. I was a super shy kid. My family moved around a bit and I struggled being new. I was bad at throwing myself into new situations. It took me until probably my early 20s to force myself to put myself out there more and it’s one of the most valuable skills I’ve ever learned. I’m sure there are many students at your commuter school who feel the same way you do and want to make new friends, too. So next time you’re sitting in class or at a club meeting, introduce yourself to the person sitting next to you. Practice your small talk skills. You might find you just kinda click with someone and slowly make a new friend. You will have to make an effort, but small efforts can add up.

    in reply to: Heartbroken over my ex best friend #1099052
    Copa
    Participant

    Oh, I think I missed the second update here. I think what you’re feeling now is more the result of isolation/loneliness and not a sincere desire to have this friendship as it existed back. You want to feel close to someone and she was the last person you felt that for even though the friendship was toxic.

    It’s good that you’re in therapy. If you feel like it isn’t working, it may be time to try a different therapist or style of therapy.

    in reply to: Heartbroken over my ex best friend #1099051
    Copa
    Participant

    So I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older that one thing people don’t talk about much is friend break-ups — even though they can really hurt!

    What everyone else is saying about how this friendship was toxic is spot on. Doesn’t seem like either of you brought out the good in in the other at all. And as with romantic relationships, feeling sad that someone is no longer a part of your life or missing them is not a sign you should accept them back into it. This friendship sounds like it’s better left in the past. You can forgive her without getting sucked back into a dramatic friendship.

    You don’t really say how your life is going right now. Are you feeling lonelier than usual? I imagine COVID has made your college experience different than what you might’ve imagined it would be like. My advice would be to put your energy into your life as it is now without her in it — doing well in school, cultivating new and existing friendships, joining a student organization if that’s possible.

    in reply to: Covid Support Thread #1099005
    Copa
    Participant

    That’s great, @allornone. My mental/emotional health has gone through ups and downs during COVID. If being back in an office setting (and feeling safe in doing so) is better for yours, I’m glad to hear you’re back.

    My company was talking about returning to the office. In July, September was the target for a hybrid return. That plan flew out the window and upper management said they’d resume the discussion in September. As far as I know, this has not happened and I’m frustrated. I’d ideally like to be back on a flexible schedule. I finally got a desk and office chair a few months ago, which has helped a bit, but my “office” is in our bedroom and it’s still not a great experience. The desk is small, but this was really the only good space we had available, and I feel cramped. I can tell my mental/emotional health is slipping a bit again and doing what I can to keep it at bay. Our winter permacloud situation seems to have settled in early and it’s offensively warm/humid still for October, none of which has been helping.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by Copa.
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