Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

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  • in reply to: Girlfriends Friends #887552
    avatarDMChilds43
    Participant

    Anonymousse,
    Thank you for the comment.
    First, let me say Yes, she is very good in bed. She is also what you may consider out of my league. She is very attractive and receives a lot of male attention. To her credit, she doesn’t seem to be at all shallow in her affections. She values my calm nature, dedication to resolve conflict, and intelligence.. she says.
    Yes, its true that I have something of a desperate nature for a relationship. Just the thought of being single I find rather depressing. I DO understand that this is bad and leads me to tolerate too much..

    “Why did they call the police”? They were unaware we were together still. She refuses to add me on FaceBook even as a friend. So when I showed up early while she was at work, they took it as stalking. I asked her to explain it to them.. but she is terrified of losing them as friends. The cop said that they were called because “My GF said I was obsessive and wouldn’t leave her alone”. I asked them to please verify, they recalled the number and again said it was my GF. After the fact my GF called to say she did not call the police and had just learned of the incident. I considered going to the police abt the false accusation.. but it seemed like it would only cause more drama and I am not even sure my GF would have had my back.

    in reply to: Girlfriends Friends #887549
    avatarDMChilds43
    Participant

    Sonny,
    Thank you for the wise advice.
    You described the relationship pretty perfectly. It was incredible at first, and then the first incident has just continued to snowball. I still cant help but feel im just one small fix away from getting it all right. Her and I have never had a real issue inside of our relationship. It has always been something involving her friends. She’ll get upset over something tiny like my text response rate, or me eating without her, then blow up for a moment. Its during this time that she “overshares” (her therapist calls it) with friends in order to validate her anger. She calms down.. but the damage is done. Her therapist suggests that they are now forming opinions based on a bias that she has given them during the negative look through a keyhole they get. This bias has grown as shes hidden the positive in fear of inflaming confrontation with them. Her therapist has urged her to widen her social group and to pursue her personal desires absent their input.
    It puts me in an odd spot. A boyfriend who says “don’t listen to your friends” sounds instantly controlling. But it has been a constant problem for us.. and is also her own therapists advice. I am obviously not privy to her private therapy sessions.. but I assume she has disclosed info abt them even further than what I am aware of for her to receive such advice and an opinion from a therapist.

    in reply to: Girlfriends Friends #887548
    avatarDMChilds43
    Participant

    Hey Kate,
    I appreciate your comment and honesty. I originally was mostly looking for advice on the moving situation. (Granted I vented a bit and ranted). She is being forced to move out because she is dating me.. she says she would like to move closer to me (apartment, not move in my house) but is scared her friends would abandon her. My instinct says to encourage her to pursue what she wants regardless of her friends opinion (though I obviously have a bias in the deal as I want her to be close to me). But she says she wants more time to pass for them to cool down and change their minds. To me this seems like asking her friends for permission. So I don’t know if I should be supporting her insecurities or her personal wants. She has a very deep desire to please her friends. I initially was not being vocal abt it.. but she shared that her therapist recommended pursuing the relationship and allowing her friends to adjust at their own speed over time. Her therapist said to post Happy pictures and positive comments rather than confronting them. She now wishes to discuss it more… and I feel a bit trapped unsure if I am actually supporting her desires or my own; or if its okay in this instance as they align somewhat.

    I didn’t think the diagnoses was super relevant to the moving choice, as it has more to do with her friends dynamic than ours…? I only mentioned it once the multiple breakups and her gossiping to her friends was brought up. Was meant more to shince light on the fact that we don’t have any acute problems like cheating or abuse.. more like small things such as me going to long without texting her back, or not texting “GoodMorning” till I get to work rather than when I wake up . She blows up for a bit, cools down, but does damage inbetween (such as gossiping to her friends). Her therapist says she does this as a subconscious way to validate her insecurities by having others mad at me as well. Which is why I try to give her a little slack

    in reply to: Girlfriends Friends #887546
    avatarDMChilds43
    Participant

    FYI,
    Thanks you for the comment.
    “temporary high, with no roots”.. that really got my attention. You are absolutely right about the high of being with her.. as well as the addictive nature of the relationship. I will definitely take a look at some of the books available. I have always put relationships at the forefront of my priorities, but have never been this caught up with someone. I know she has some terrible traits, but so many other things about her are so wonderful. Her potential is intoxicating.

    I agree with your point about teaching people how to treat us by what we tolerate. This is my biggest concern with her, obviously. I don’t really care if we are on FaceBook or not.. its more just the principle of being taken for granted.. like a second thought.

    in reply to: Girlfriends Friends #887545
    avatarDMChilds43
    Participant

    Golfer.gal,
    Thank you for the feedback. I agree that the act of going to therapy alone does no good. I will also say that, at times, she seems to use her diagnoses as a crutch if not an excuse. Continuing this cycle “into my golden years” is definitely a worry of mine. The codependency thing is something that I have never considered before.. but does add up. I have always been a relationship guy, and put a high value on romantic relations. I had previously always thought this was just me being a “Hopeless Romantic”, but certainly see the points here.
    I will say, the loyalty and respect that she shows her friends and also her only other previous relationship gives me a little hope for her. I think I am kinda hoping to stay by her side through the BS to earn that kind of devotion as well.

    Thanks a lot! I really do appreciate you taking the time to write such a detailed post.

    in reply to: Girlfriends Friends #887543
    avatarDMChilds43
    Participant

    BitterGayMark,
    You have a very solid point. I have never really looked at it that way. Since she is the one in therapy and with some diagnosable issues, I suppose I have always considered her the one who needed her needs attended to; and was more susceptible to abuse. I know I must look like a dolt putting it all out there and acting surprised… but I am sure I am not the only one who has tolerated too much in the name of high hopes.
    Thanks Friend

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