Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Essie

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  • in reply to: Girlfriend won’t let me go on holiday. #897927
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    FFS, don’t dump this on her. It’s not that she won’t let you go. You just don’t like the (utterly sensible) rules that will be put in place if you do go. Oh, boo hoo, you won’t be able to get laid before your work trip if you go on a drinking holiday.

    Of course you two had a tiff when you told her. People tend to react badly when their significant others act like an immature little boy. She just saw a side of you she didn’t like.

    Grow up.

    in reply to: Personality Work #894365
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    I’m not buying it, either. In all the places I’ve worked, across a couple of careers, no one would have cared if you never spoke a word as long as you did the job well. I worked for an IT company and we had a wide range of personalities, including some who were painfully shy and never, ever engaged in the usual banter. Wasn’t a problem, ever.

    Re-read your performance reviews. The answer you’re looking for is there.

    in reply to: Jealousy issues… #892543
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    Also: if you’re worried that he’ll break up with you if you want to move out and slow things down, don’t be. My guess is that he’ll be relieved. You both moved way too fast by moving in together so soon, and you’re both in way over your heads with his relationship. Way too much, way too soon. He’s dealing with school pressure and massive grief and a new relationship with someone he lives with. You’re dealing with crippling insecurity, jealousy and body image issues, and a new relationship with someone you live with. You both need to take the pressure off.

    And if by chance he does dump you because you need to slow down, he’s the wrong guy for you, and the relationship would have ended anyway.

    in reply to: Jealousy issues… #892529
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    Oh, this is the woman whose BF just lost his dad?

    You need to move out and then get therapy, right away. You’re feeling so messed up because you’re not healthy enough right now to be in a relationship. When you’re this upset and confused and frightened, you just can’t be a good partner in a relationship. It’s impossible.

    You need to get yourself well, and thinking clearly, before you can make anything work. Not just with this guy, but with any guy.

    in reply to: Jealousy issues… #892495
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    Therapy. Now. If you don’t get help for this, you might as well break up with your boyfriend today, because he’s going to break up with you if you keep this up.

    But most importantly, your issues are preventing you from enjoying your relationship. You’re getting nothing good from what could be a nice thing with a nice guy, because you’re living in fear.

    in reply to: Fiancés ex wants to visit with his daughter #892275
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    Oh, and you do realize that in 3 short years, his daughter will be 18 and will meet up with whoever she damn well pleases?

    in reply to: Fiancés ex wants to visit with his daughter #892274
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    “Should they be allowed to meet up?”

    Allowed? Really? What purpose could possibly be served by trying to break this relationship? Are you really that insecure? Why?

    in reply to: am i wrong? #892187
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    You need to work with a therapist. This cycle can be broken. And if you’ve ever thought you might like to have children, it’s essential that you break it. You don’t want to be teaching your daughters that they need to submit to abuse and be glad they have a man, and you don’t want to be teaching your sons that abusing women is ok.

    You can do this!

    But first, please, lose this dirtbag’s number, block him, and never speak to him again.

    in reply to: am i wrong? #892168
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    Ok.

    Whether he’s a narcissist or not is irrelevant. Completely irrelevant. He’s a jerk, and the cause of his jerkiness doesn’t matter.

    Blaming you for everything is a red flag for abusive behavior. That alone should have you running from this guy.

    But there’s a more important question. What the hell makes you want a relationship with this guy? To recap: he’s rude. He’s mean to you. He blames you for everything. He can’t be bothered to see you. He acts like he doesn’t even like you as a person, let alone romantically. What are you finding attractive? Why are you even still talking to him?

    in reply to: am i wrong? #892098
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    Seems that the only “evidence” you have that he likes you is that he says it sometimes. That’s no evidence at all. People can say anything. If I told you that I was a rich and famous actress who’d won an Oscar, you’d want proof, right?

    The proof that he means it when he says he likes you will be in his actions. Let’s look at the way he acts.

    He’s mean. He’s rude. He gets angry if you say you want to see him. He can’t be bothered to spend time with you, even if you’re offering sex. He’s only made time to see you 5 times in two years.

    This is not the way a guy who likes you acts. In fact, it’s the opposite. Guys who like you can’t wait to spend time with you. They *ask* to spend more time with you. They’re excited to grab even a moment with you. They show it in lots of other ways, too.

    I don’t know if he’s a narcissist, but I do know he doesn’t like you the way you like him. You need to put a stop to the game he’s playing and block him, everywhere.

    You seem very young and naive about relationships. If I were you, I’d put a hold on dating and spend some time learning what a healthy, happy relationship looks like.

    in reply to: Ia he disgusted by me? #891756
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    I don’t think he’s disgusted by you. I mean, wouldn’t he have just broken up with you if that was the case? Who moves in together with someone who disgusts them?

    I agree with the others. You moved in together just a few months after you got together. I’m sorry, but that’s nuts. It puts immense pressure on a relationship that’s barely gotten started. Not a lot of relationships could survive that, especially at 19.

    I also think you have a huge mismatch, sexually. Some people have sex a lot more often at the beginning of a relationship because they think it’s expected and they’re trying to please/impress the new partner. Then they slide back to their normal level of activity. If this is the way your sex life would be forever, would you want to stay?

    And last, don’t discount the effect his father’s death is having on him. A parent’s death is a horrific blow, especially at that age, and especially a son losing a father. He may be drinking beer and laughing a few months after the death, but I promise you, he is not “much better now.” He’s learned to pull it together on the surface, but he’s very far from ok. It takes some people years to get to OK after losing a parent at a young age.

    You might be able to salvage something if you move out and slow this all down. Maybe. Or maybe you’re just not a good match, and it’s time to call it a day.

    in reply to: Why was she pretending to like me when she wasn’t #891599
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    His hang up seems to be that if she broke up with him, then she must never have liked him in the first place. Which just isn’t how it works.

    And you can like someone very much as a person and a friend and not want to be in a romantic relationship with them. One of my dearest and longest-lasting friendships is with a guy that I dated for about a year. We were madly in love. We just could not make it work as a couple. Fought all the time. We work so much better as friends.

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