Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Essie

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  • in reply to: I still like the guy I liked in middle school #886885
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    The most important life lesson you can learn: you can’t make somebody love you. There’s no way to make him see you in a non-platonic way. People either feel it or they don’t. He sees you as a good friend. Which is nice, but it’s not what you want.

    You say you’d rather have him in your life as a friend than not at all. But you don’t see him as a friend. He’s the guy you want, who doesn’t feel the same way, that you’ve been clinging to since middle school in hopes that he’ll suddenly, magically fall in love with you.

    I really think you should back away from him and start dating. Otherwise you’re looking at years of pain and disappointment as you watch him get into and out of relationships, and eventually marry someone else. All the while you’re missing out on a relationship of your own, with someone who genuinely loves you.

    I know it hurts. I’ve been there. But all these years have gone by and he’s never chosen to date you. He chooses other women instead. There’s no reason to think that will change.

    Free yourself from this. Stop waiting.

    in reply to: Take My Time or Rush College #886852
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    College is about so much more than checking classes off a list. The actual classes I took in my major were helpful in my career, yes, but some of the most important things I got from the college experience, things that really helped in my career, did not happen in a classroom.

    You want to take in all that college has to offer. Take the full four years.

    avatarEssie
    Participant

    Oh, I think Anna was the friend that introduced her to her boyfriend. I missed that originally.

    avatarEssie
    Participant

    I’m sure you know this, but the fact that you were cheated on in the past isn’t your boyfriend’s problem. It’s your baggage to work out, and I’d be very, very careful about bringing any of that into your current relationship.

    You talk about her not being respectful of her friendship with you, but she’s not really your friend, is she? She’s your boyfriend’s friend. You don’t have to be besties with your BF’s buddies, and you clearly don’t like her and would never choose her for a friend on your own, so why be fake? Just be pleasant when you’re all together.

    I think you’ve blown her up into this massive threat and you’re kind of getting stuck on how much you don’t like her. That’s what therapists are for, to help you break unhealthy thought patterns.

    avatarEssie
    Participant

    Yeah, I really wonder if this is the right guy for you. Not everyone is comfortable dating someone with opposite-sex friends.

    I was really struck by the detailed analysis you put into every interaction between Anna and your boyfriend. I mean, wow. It really speaks to how insecure and defensive you feel in this relationship, and it’s clearly visible if both your boyfriend and Anna are reacting to it.

    To me, it’s always a bit of a red flag when I see someone get into a relationship and start focusing on threats to the relationship and worry that he’ll leave. Instead of just enjoying what you have, trusting that things will work out if you really are right for each other and seeing where it goes.

    Like Ron, I don’t think anything she’s doing sounds terrible. She’s got a flirty personality. The key here is whether your boyfriend is committed to you. If he is, then even if she propositions him, he won’t take her up on it. If he does sleep with her just because she offered, well, then you know he wasn’t the right guy for you.

    So, do you trust him?

    in reply to: Disappointment in conversation #886506
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    I’m not sure why you’d expect that he’s not talking to other people. Don’t you talk to more than one person?

    You’ve only been talking to this guy for a few days. You barely know him. Slow it down. Wayyyyyyyy down.

    Is he someone you know, someone you go to school with? Or haven’t you met him yet?

    in reply to: (Kinda) Boyfriend Help #886486
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    So here’s the problem with these undefined “we’re talking” things. You don’t really know what was going on. You had a lot of hope that he felt like you did, but you never actually talked about it. It was all a lot of vague talking and hanging out, but you don’t have any idea how he saw what was happening.

    I have to be honest, it’s not a good sign that the texting dropped off to once a week as soon as you were separated. If he were romantically interested in you, it would have kept up just as it had before. Because he wouldn’t have been satisfied with just hearing from you once a week. He would have been finding ways to stay in touch more often, since you couldn’t hang out. FaceTime, Zoom, etc. Guys who really like you want to spend all the time they can with you.

    So who usually initiated the texting? You or him?

    in reply to: How do I properly communicate with women? #886430
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    “These are generalities, not unyielding laws of physics.”

    This is so true. You’re looking for a recipe, and we can’t give you one. Something about you might be a dealbreaker for one woman, and the very same thing might be irresistible to another woman.

    So much of what makes romance exciting and fun is the unexpected. The surprises. I have the feeling that’s a negative for you. You want something very predictable that fits exactly into your picture of the relationship you want.

    In reading along here, I’ve often thought about what you’re missing out on by focusing on bringing your (very specific) fantasy to life. You could have been in a deeply fulfilling relationship with a woman your own age all this time, that completed you in ways you never even thought about. A woman who ticked none of your boxes on paper, but meshed so well with your personality and introduced you to new interests that you never would have discovered on your own.

    in reply to: I hate his kid #886425
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    I kind of let go of the details like who slept where because the LW had such strong negative feelings about the kid. She resents the attention he gets from her boyfriend, she doesn’t want the girlfriend’s kids in her home (“HER family”), and most of all, she actively strongly dislikes this five-year-old child.

    When you’re describing your feelings about your boyfriend’s 5 year old with the word “HATE,” you have to break it off. It’s the only right thing to do.

    in reply to: My boyfriend’s best friend #886424
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    No, it wasn’t a joke.

    So what do you do? That’s sort of up to you, but I’d strongly suggest that the side text-conversations with Hugo stop altogether. No more listening to his sad stories. You have no reason to be talking to this guy unless he’s with you and your boyfriend and you’re all having a conversation together.

    So what if he texts you with some sad tale about how hard his life is? I’d tell him to talk to your boyfriend about it. Or, “You can tell John and I all about it when we have dinner on Tuesday. I have to go.” Don’t give him any sign that you’re available to talk separately.

    If he brings up his feelings again, I’d tell him that you’re not interested, you’re with your boyfriend and have no intention of leaving him, and please don’t bring the topic up again.

    Really – his crush on you is not your problem. It isn’t. It’s not your job to manage his feelings. He can get over his crush, or he can distance himself from the two of you.

    Of course, all of that assumes that you’re even comfortable being around Hugo. If you’re not, it’s OK to tell your boyfriend that. Just say the “joke” really freaked you out, and you’d rather the two of them spend time together.

    I know you feel bad about the discomfort between your boyfriend and his friend, but *it’s not your fault*. You’ve done nothing wrong here. Hugo’s the one who messed things up.

    in reply to: I hate his kid #886310
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    It’s really OK to not want a boyfriend who has kids. We all have our dealbreakers, and that’s yours. It’s fine.

    Where you’re going wrong here is thinking you can change his situation. You can’t. If he’s a good man, his kid will always come first. His ex will always be in his life in some way, because they are co-parenting their child. I’m sure he sees his kid and hers as family, because they were all a family for seven years.

    This is his life. This is who he is. As I said, it’s understandable that all of this feels like a lot to you, but if you want him, you get the kid and the ex and her kids.

    You do need to break up with him. I’m sorry.

    in reply to: I need help with changing my personality #886309
    avatarEssie
    Participant

    You know what?

    NOBODY likes it when things don’t go their way.

    EVERYBODY finds it upsetting and disappointing when a friendship falls apart.

    EVERYBODY has moments where they forget that other people are their own person with their own feelings.

    That’s not a personality defect, that’s just normal human feelings. A normal reaction to disappointment.

    I think a lot of your problem is that you’re getting hung up on over-analyzing your own emotions and thoughts, looking for signs that something is wrong with you.

    That’s where a therapist can be really helpful, showing you how to manage those thoughts.

    Staying busy helps, too. Stop spending so much time in your own head. The suggestion to volunteer is a great one. Also, this is a good time to catch up on reading, binge that series you’ve been meaning to watch, maybe learn something new, like a craft.

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