Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

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Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 35 total)
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  • in reply to: Dating a man with a child #894369
    Guy FridayGuy Friday
    Participant

    EDIT: Sorry. It was on the front page, so I didn’t realize I was resurrecting a zombified thread.

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Guy FridayGuy Friday.
    Guy FridayGuy Friday
    Participant

    Is it illegal to tell someone your pregnant and ask for money for an abortion if your not actually pregnant?

    Forget for a moment that it’s going to vary based on what state/country you’re in.

    Forget for a moment that you don’t have to actually be CONVICTED of fraud for you to have to expend thousands of dollars and hours and emotional stress if you’re charged, need to retain an attorney, post bail, perhaps lose your job over this, etc.

    Forget for a moment that I have more than a few clients who never actually committed the underlying crime for which they’re being charged but then violate conditions of bond (being late to court, for example) and face new bail jumping charges they ARE guilty of, meaning that they end up with a criminal record in the end.

    Do you understand how flimsy and stupid this idea is? What if the guy says “I’m going with you to the abortion clinic to pay?” What about if you live in a more conservative state where they prosecute for homicide if you abort a fetus? How about him filing a paternity suit in family court and serving you, forcing you to turn over your medical records to prove you had an abortion or defy a court order compelling you to provide the baby? How about a civil suit for intentional infliction of emotional distress brought against you for misleading these guys? This is to say nothing of the public shame and ridicule you’d get on every social media channel imaginable for doing this. You’d be LUCKY if you escaped with fraud charges, frankly.

    I don’t know how old you are, and I’m not usually this harsh, but seriously, grow the hell up and/or stop trolling and/or take a good hard look in the mirror at the shameful person you’ve become for even considering doing this.

    in reply to: Monkey paw wish #885018
    Guy FridayGuy Friday
    Participant

    I didn’t know if I came off as too relaxed or happy or something

    No, you’re good. That’s the whole point of “The Monkey’s Paw”: making a wish with severe unintended consequences. The regret about the pandemic is assumed 🙂

    Guy FridayGuy Friday
    Participant

    Instead of saying that you are okay say that you are looking forward to spending the evening alone. Tell them you look forward to being able to relax and that you want to watch the fireworks from your balcony.

    100% this. They feel guilty because they feel like you’re saying you’re OK so you don’t worry them, and they don’t want to feel like they ignored you when you needed them because they love you. If they understood that this is honestly the dream scenario for you — and, not for nothing, but it sounds like a great night to me too! — they’d probably be much more comfortable.

    When I have this happen for me, I compromise: I tell them to text me a picture of the party at some point, and I’ll text them a picture of what I’m doing back. That way they feel like they’re still wishing me a happy night, and honestly I can muster the energy for a couple of texts while watching a movie.

    in reply to: “My Daughter is in an Abusive Relationship” #862222
    Guy FridayGuy Friday
    Participant

    Seriously, BGM, stop doubling down again and again on this. Just acknowledge that your flippant response screwed up. I don’t generally go off on you, and you know that, but either you have absolutely zero experience with victims of domestic violence or you’re saying things just to be controversial knowing they’ll start a flame war. Either way, your advice here makes you sound completely uneducated.

    Yes, it would be great if she’d realized the path she was on before it got this far. Unfortunately, most don’t; domestic violence is about control, and in most cases the abuser is manipulative enough that you don’t realize the extent of their control until you’ve already been completely isolated. I mean, let’s play this out for a second: she shows up at her mom’s house with her kid and says “I can’t do this anymore. Help us get out.” He’s still going to have custody and placement rights to the child, right? So he’s still going to get visitation with the child, without her present. How does she protect her child in that scenario? What’s to stop him from hurting the child, or kidnapping her (neither of which, by the way, are abstracts; a statistically significant percentage of cases like this have instances of child abuse or kidnapping involved). And that’s assuming everyone believes her when she leaves; in most cases the abuser is positioned as the more credible party, so he may get primary placement of the child after all. And then she has to make the choice of saving herself or saving her child, and surely you can’t be so eager to flame people here that you’d blame the child for what has gone on, would you?

    Listen, if I didn’t want to dox myself here I’d link you to the case files of a woman I represented for over 3 years before I had to tap out of the case because it took a toll on me. She was violently abused by her ex, and finally got the courage to divorce him, except he couldn’t handle the idea that she would DARE to leave him before he was done with her. So, for the last 8 years he has done everything he can to make her life a living hell. When she got a restraining order against him, he pulled a transcript from 3 years prior during his first divorce where he forced her to testify that he was never violent and a good dad, and demanded she be charged with perjury. The divorce was finalized in 2015, but he has continued to file motions in court, call CPS to do “welfare checks” on their daughter, and even told his daughter that if she loved him she’d tell her mom she wanted to see him more. Hell, he is STILL appealing the injunction we got against him in 2013 to the state Supreme Court; he’s arguing that it infringes upon his rights to free speech/expression and his right to bear arms! And she has to respond to every single filing, every motion, every demand, or he’ll move for default and the courts will grant it. And this is a guy who’s at least smart enough not to get caught with weapons pointed at her, and that’s a rarity in these cases.

    So, really, BGM, please find another thread to shit upon the daughter on. There’s plenty here where you’d be closer to the center of the target. But when you say things like you have here, you’re not practicing tough love; you’re just exposing your ignorance.

    Guy FridayGuy Friday
    Participant

    There is no reason that the two of you can’t hire a photographer to take photos of the two of you somewhere scenic. Engagement photos don’t have to be taken at the moment of engagement. Traditionally they weren’t.

    Yeah, when I was reading through the thread I was surprised this wasn’t more directly addressed. Not only are engagement photos not traditionally done at the moment of proposal, I actually don’t have anyone I know who didn’t schedule the photo session after they were engaged, myself included.

    in reply to: So, my raffle actually worked… yay! #848056
    Guy FridayGuy Friday
    Participant

    First of all, I’m a little disappointed you didn’t go one line further, Kate: “Some things will never change” 🙂

    Second, as I’ve said to other people on here, Hunter: Wendy’s website IS able to be subpoenaed by authorities, at which point they track the IP address back to you and confirm you confessed to a crime. Might make sense to delete his post and lock this thread if we’re trying to protect him from himself?

    Guy FridayGuy Friday
    Participant

    BGM, I’m not sure about that. I might believe that a prosecutor would be luke warm about the shower, or the initial sexual encounter after the shower, but the third one, with the physical force to overcome resistance and the comment you referenced, is probably the point where a prosecutor would change their mind and charge multiple counts of sexual assault with the idea of forcing a plea to at least the last encounter. In most places, that’s going to be enough for lifetime registration on a sex offender registry, and I’m not necessarily going to cry a whole lot of tears for the guy if he gets that.

    in reply to: The Obligation of Inviting Unmarried Couples to Weddings #839634
    Guy FridayGuy Friday
    Participant

    You know what I think is interesting (and maybe I missed some clue, but I don’t think I did?) We’re all assuming the LW is female here, and I don’t see any clues as to gender. So, here’s an interesting question on this topic that may or may not change opinions: would you feel the same way about drawing the “married/unmarried” line if this was a long-term homosexual couple in a state where they couldn’t legally be married? Does THAT make a difference?

    Personally, I’m of the opinion that long-term partners, from an invite perspective, ARE a package deal. We can quibble about what constitutes “long term”, but I think 6 years certainly does. I’m cognizant of the expense of weddings, but if you can’t afford to invite both, just don’t invite either. And if having that one person there is so darn important, just invite their partner.

    in reply to: troll paranoia #839079
    Guy FridayGuy Friday
    Participant

    For what it’s worth, I personally think that Kate and BGM are the same person. Split personalities, anyone? 🙂

    No, but seriously, take it from someone who was friendly with the people who were part of the mass exodus: whatever Wendy did or didn’t do, she dropped it a HELL of a lot faster than they did. Like, it’s someone on the internet you’re not planning on meeting; perspective is healthy, folks. I’m not sure we regularly even talk to each other any more, though one of them actually lived in my neck of the woods briefly and we met for coffee once. Having said that, I want to be clear that the only “secret group” I’m aware of was a fantasy football league we all did for a couple of years until interest petered out.

    in reply to: What exactly is wrong about this story from my childhood? #816677
    Guy FridayGuy Friday
    Participant

    I mean, if his feelings were hurt, I’d certainly sincerely apologize to him. But I would hope he realized that my point was to frame my response in a way that made more sense to him, since he seemed to have difficulty understanding where everyone else’s responses were coming from. But, fairly or unfairly, he’s coming at this from a different angle than most, and that needs to get accounted for, Ron. When a 15 year old posts about how “I lost the love of my life and I’m never going to love again because there will never be another person for me!” we treat them differently here than if it was a 40 year old posting it, as well we should.

    I would never say something here that I wouldn’t say directly to a person’s face; that’s just who I am.

    in reply to: What exactly is wrong about this story from my childhood? #816657
    Guy FridayGuy Friday
    Participant

    For what it’s worth, Hunter, I wasn’t assuming you were diagnosed with anything. That’s why I asked you about it. I deal with a lot of people with spectrum disorders in my work, and I’ve noticed a lot of similarities in speech patterns and mannerisms that are often taught as methods to “blend in”, for lack of a better term. It’s relevant because, as Wendy put it:

    People with high functioning autism, which I am guessing is your diagnosis, tend to fixate and obsess on certain topics; they also often miss or misinterpret social cues, get bullied as children, and have trouble sort of understanding social context and their place within that context

    Now, I don’t know where on the spectrum you fall, and I agree with you that THAT isn’t relevant. But the fact that you are ON it does change the context of this considerably, because it explains why you’re having trouble understanding the issues presented here. You’ll also notice that the tone of the replies changed considerably once that information was given, not because of some pity for you or something but because criticizing someone with a spectrum disorder for misunderstanding social cues is like criticizing an English speaker for not understanding Portuguese; you can do it over time, but it takes practice and learning.

    I agree with Sky’s last response. You sound like a good guy who made the choice to get involved and do what your moral compass told you was the right thing to do. What people are reacting to negatively now is the concept that you did it because she was pretty, because there are unfortunately a lot of guys out there who would only intervene BECAUSE she was pretty and because they hoped she would “owe” them; in other words, doing it for the wrong reasons. I don’t think that’s why you did it, but I think if you told the exact same story and avoided the adjectives — in other words, if the fact that she was a girl was just what it was and not the motivation for you getting involved — the criticisms would die down quite a bit. And for those that don’t, you need to just remember that nothing you do in life is going to be universally loved or hated, and you just have to decide whether the opinions of those who disagree with you matter to your day-to-day life. If they do, change; if they don’t, ignore them.

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