Forum Replies Created
- December 4, 2019 at 1:40 pm in reply to: My family is worried about me spending New Year’s Eve alone #862854
Instead of saying that you are okay say that you are looking forward to spending the evening alone. Tell them you look forward to being able to relax and that you want to watch the fireworks from your balcony.
100% this. They feel guilty because they feel like you’re saying you’re OK so you don’t worry them, and they don’t want to feel like they ignored you when you needed them because they love you. If they understood that this is honestly the dream scenario for you — and, not for nothing, but it sounds like a great night to me too! — they’d probably be much more comfortable.
When I have this happen for me, I compromise: I tell them to text me a picture of the party at some point, and I’ll text them a picture of what I’m doing back. That way they feel like they’re still wishing me a happy night, and honestly I can muster the energy for a couple of texts while watching a movie.
Seriously, BGM, stop doubling down again and again on this. Just acknowledge that your flippant response screwed up. I don’t generally go off on you, and you know that, but either you have absolutely zero experience with victims of domestic violence or you’re saying things just to be controversial knowing they’ll start a flame war. Either way, your advice here makes you sound completely uneducated.
Yes, it would be great if she’d realized the path she was on before it got this far. Unfortunately, most don’t; domestic violence is about control, and in most cases the abuser is manipulative enough that you don’t realize the extent of their control until you’ve already been completely isolated. I mean, let’s play this out for a second: she shows up at her mom’s house with her kid and says “I can’t do this anymore. Help us get out.” He’s still going to have custody and placement rights to the child, right? So he’s still going to get visitation with the child, without her present. How does she protect her child in that scenario? What’s to stop him from hurting the child, or kidnapping her (neither of which, by the way, are abstracts; a statistically significant percentage of cases like this have instances of child abuse or kidnapping involved). And that’s assuming everyone believes her when she leaves; in most cases the abuser is positioned as the more credible party, so he may get primary placement of the child after all. And then she has to make the choice of saving herself or saving her child, and surely you can’t be so eager to flame people here that you’d blame the child for what has gone on, would you?
Listen, if I didn’t want to dox myself here I’d link you to the case files of a woman I represented for over 3 years before I had to tap out of the case because it took a toll on me. She was violently abused by her ex, and finally got the courage to divorce him, except he couldn’t handle the idea that she would DARE to leave him before he was done with her. So, for the last 8 years he has done everything he can to make her life a living hell. When she got a restraining order against him, he pulled a transcript from 3 years prior during his first divorce where he forced her to testify that he was never violent and a good dad, and demanded she be charged with perjury. The divorce was finalized in 2015, but he has continued to file motions in court, call CPS to do “welfare checks” on their daughter, and even told his daughter that if she loved him she’d tell her mom she wanted to see him more. Hell, he is STILL appealing the injunction we got against him in 2013 to the state Supreme Court; he’s arguing that it infringes upon his rights to free speech/expression and his right to bear arms! And she has to respond to every single filing, every motion, every demand, or he’ll move for default and the courts will grant it. And this is a guy who’s at least smart enough not to get caught with weapons pointed at her, and that’s a rarity in these cases.
So, really, BGM, please find another thread to shit upon the daughter on. There’s plenty here where you’d be closer to the center of the target. But when you say things like you have here, you’re not practicing tough love; you’re just exposing your ignorance.November 27, 2019 at 12:37 pm in reply to: My boyfriend (30) proposed to me (29) last night and I am so disappointed #861668
There is no reason that the two of you can’t hire a photographer to take photos of the two of you somewhere scenic. Engagement photos don’t have to be taken at the moment of engagement. Traditionally they weren’t.
Yeah, when I was reading through the thread I was surprised this wasn’t more directly addressed. Not only are engagement photos not traditionally done at the moment of proposal, I actually don’t have anyone I know who didn’t schedule the photo session after they were engaged, myself included.
First of all, I’m a little disappointed you didn’t go one line further, Kate: “Some things will never change” 🙂
Second, as I’ve said to other people on here, Hunter: Wendy’s website IS able to be subpoenaed by authorities, at which point they track the IP address back to you and confirm you confessed to a crime. Might make sense to delete his post and lock this thread if we’re trying to protect him from himself?May 21, 2019 at 11:31 am in reply to: Confused about my boyfriends behaviour in our relationship #843785
BGM, I’m not sure about that. I might believe that a prosecutor would be luke warm about the shower, or the initial sexual encounter after the shower, but the third one, with the physical force to overcome resistance and the comment you referenced, is probably the point where a prosecutor would change their mind and charge multiple counts of sexual assault with the idea of forcing a plea to at least the last encounter. In most places, that’s going to be enough for lifetime registration on a sex offender registry, and I’m not necessarily going to cry a whole lot of tears for the guy if he gets that.April 2, 2019 at 11:29 pm in reply to: The Obligation of Inviting Unmarried Couples to Weddings #839634
You know what I think is interesting (and maybe I missed some clue, but I don’t think I did?) We’re all assuming the LW is female here, and I don’t see any clues as to gender. So, here’s an interesting question on this topic that may or may not change opinions: would you feel the same way about drawing the “married/unmarried” line if this was a long-term homosexual couple in a state where they couldn’t legally be married? Does THAT make a difference?
Personally, I’m of the opinion that long-term partners, from an invite perspective, ARE a package deal. We can quibble about what constitutes “long term”, but I think 6 years certainly does. I’m cognizant of the expense of weddings, but if you can’t afford to invite both, just don’t invite either. And if having that one person there is so darn important, just invite their partner.
For what it’s worth, I personally think that Kate and BGM are the same person. Split personalities, anyone? 🙂
No, but seriously, take it from someone who was friendly with the people who were part of the mass exodus: whatever Wendy did or didn’t do, she dropped it a HELL of a lot faster than they did. Like, it’s someone on the internet you’re not planning on meeting; perspective is healthy, folks. I’m not sure we regularly even talk to each other any more, though one of them actually lived in my neck of the woods briefly and we met for coffee once. Having said that, I want to be clear that the only “secret group” I’m aware of was a fantasy football league we all did for a couple of years until interest petered out.February 11, 2019 at 1:16 am in reply to: What if your boyfriend trys to use his police friends to get u in trouble? #830504
Woah, woah, woah. I AM a lawyer, and this is not auto theft. No self-respecting prosecutor would charge this case because theft requires the TAKING of property without the owner’s consent, not the KEEPING of property without it. That he revoked consent to operate the vehicle when he knew she was across state lines is petty and stupid on his part, and the cops are playing the heavy here to try and avoid the fact that they really can’t do jack to her.
LW, here’s what she should do: call her local police station and explain the situation. Ask if they can facilitate a hand-off. I would ABSOLUTELY not travel back to PA with the vehicle, because she doesn’t know if they’ve put out an APB for the plate. At this point, the PA police who called don’t have jurisdiction to arrest her in NJ, which is why I’m saying she should call her local cops. But if he files a report as stolen, he’s filing a fraudulent police report, which is a felony offense in most states, and they’re going to tell him so and the NJ police won’t honor it, particularly if she’s already called them. If he revokes consent, he can come and get it himself from the cops there.January 21, 2019 at 2:04 pm in reply to: What exactly is wrong about this story from my childhood? #816677
I mean, if his feelings were hurt, I’d certainly sincerely apologize to him. But I would hope he realized that my point was to frame my response in a way that made more sense to him, since he seemed to have difficulty understanding where everyone else’s responses were coming from. But, fairly or unfairly, he’s coming at this from a different angle than most, and that needs to get accounted for, Ron. When a 15 year old posts about how “I lost the love of my life and I’m never going to love again because there will never be another person for me!” we treat them differently here than if it was a 40 year old posting it, as well we should.
I would never say something here that I wouldn’t say directly to a person’s face; that’s just who I am.January 21, 2019 at 12:39 pm in reply to: What exactly is wrong about this story from my childhood? #816657
For what it’s worth, Hunter, I wasn’t assuming you were diagnosed with anything. That’s why I asked you about it. I deal with a lot of people with spectrum disorders in my work, and I’ve noticed a lot of similarities in speech patterns and mannerisms that are often taught as methods to “blend in”, for lack of a better term. It’s relevant because, as Wendy put it:
People with high functioning autism, which I am guessing is your diagnosis, tend to fixate and obsess on certain topics; they also often miss or misinterpret social cues, get bullied as children, and have trouble sort of understanding social context and their place within that context
Now, I don’t know where on the spectrum you fall, and I agree with you that THAT isn’t relevant. But the fact that you are ON it does change the context of this considerably, because it explains why you’re having trouble understanding the issues presented here. You’ll also notice that the tone of the replies changed considerably once that information was given, not because of some pity for you or something but because criticizing someone with a spectrum disorder for misunderstanding social cues is like criticizing an English speaker for not understanding Portuguese; you can do it over time, but it takes practice and learning.
I agree with Sky’s last response. You sound like a good guy who made the choice to get involved and do what your moral compass told you was the right thing to do. What people are reacting to negatively now is the concept that you did it because she was pretty, because there are unfortunately a lot of guys out there who would only intervene BECAUSE she was pretty and because they hoped she would “owe” them; in other words, doing it for the wrong reasons. I don’t think that’s why you did it, but I think if you told the exact same story and avoided the adjectives — in other words, if the fact that she was a girl was just what it was and not the motivation for you getting involved — the criticisms would die down quite a bit. And for those that don’t, you need to just remember that nothing you do in life is going to be universally loved or hated, and you just have to decide whether the opinions of those who disagree with you matter to your day-to-day life. If they do, change; if they don’t, ignore them.
January 21, 2019 at 2:31 am in reply to: What exactly is wrong about this story from my childhood? #816591
- This reply was modified 1 year ago by Guy Friday.
I’m going to ask this, and I don’t mean this in any way to be an insult; it’s just an observation that’s prompted my question:
Assuming the person in that video is you, Hunter, have you ever been diagnosed with any kind of spectrum disorder of any kind? Your mannerisms and speech pattern remind me a lot of many people I’ve seen with those disorders, and if it was true it would put A LOT of what’s gone on in this thread into a greater context.
You don’t have to answer this at all if you don’t want to. I’m just curious.
I’m not even sure I buy that the boyfriend actually refused to marry her solely because of the son. I mean, every other aspect of what she’s telling us has been proven to be warped; why wouldn’t that be as well?